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3   1822  01345  7528     ""tN^   T 

LIQHTERVEIN 


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DE  MORGAN « 


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LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIKORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


3   1822  01 


O 


345  7528 


,//// 


/ 


X  (cT^VI  ^x/ 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 

A  COLLECTION  OF 

ANECDOTES,  WITTY  SAYINGS 

BON  MOTS,  BRIGHT  REPARTEES 

ECCENTRICITIES  AND 

REMINISCENCES  OF 

WELL-KNOWN  MEN  AND  WOMEN 

WHO  ARE  OR  HAVE  BEEN 

PROMINENT  IN  THE 

PUBLIC  EYE 

COLLECTED,  EDITED 

AND  PRESENTED  TO  THE  PUBLIC 

BY 

JOHN  DE  MORGAN 

^  AUTHOR  OF 

"LITERARY  SIDE  OF  THE  PRESIDENTS" 

"HOMES  AND  HAUNTS  OF  BRITISH  AUTHORS" 

"HEROES  OF  THE  CROMWELLIAN  ERA" 

ETC. 


PAUL  ELDER  ^COMPANY 

SAN  FRANCISCO  AND  NEW  YORK 


D 


Copyright,  1907 
by  Paul  Elder  and  Company 


Introduction 

At  odd  times  and  from  various  sources  the 
Editor  has  gathered  together  these ^  among  many 
more^  anecdotes,  witty  sayings,  bright  repartees, 
sparkling  rejoinders,  slips  of  the  tongue  made 
and  told  by  men  and  women  whose  names  are 
as  familiar  as  household  words. 

He  is  well  aware  that  much  that  is  witty 
is  not  humorous,  for,  as  Lord  Chesterfield  well 
said,  ^^True  wit  never  made  any  man  laugh 
since  the  creation  of  the  worlds 

Wit  is  thought  tersely  expressed,  for  to  quote 
Pope: 

'■''True  wit  to  Nature  to  advantage  drest ; 
What  oft  was  thought,  but  ne'er  so  well 
expresst." 

Like  wit,  repartee  is  brilliancy  of  thought 
expressed  in  language  terse  and  epigrammatic. 
^^ Lightning  is  the  wit  of  heaven,''  said  Sydney 
Smith,  and  his  definition  was  a  well-expressed 
epigram. 

The  world  is  full  of  wits,  men  who,  as 
Sydney  Smith  once  said,  ^^have  bodies  not  large 

enough  to  cover  their  minds  decently''  The 
world,  however,  is  far  happier  for  having  had 
them. 

Wit  originates  in  the  mind,  humor  origi- 
nates in  the  feelings ;  the  essence  of  wit  lies  in 
the  uniting  of  incongruous  ideas,  while  the 
essence  of  humor  lies  in  incongruities  of  man- 
ner and  conduct. 

Humor  is  often  sympathetic,  while  wit  is 
satirical;  wit  provokes  laughter,  humor  is  pro- 
vocative of  laughter.  The  humorist,  by  his 
humor,  direBs  attention  to  the  idiosyncracies, 
the  views  and  aspeBs  of  other  people,  while 
the  wit  causes  attention  to  center  in  himself,  as 
the  originator  of  the  witticism. 

In  the  anecdotes  of  prominent  persons,  by 
the  reading  of  their  witty  sayings,  through  the 
scintillations  of  great  f?iinds,  we  find  a  relaxa- 
tion in  this  modern  work-a-day  world,  and  we 
believe  that  the  best  men  are  to  be  found  among 
those  who  enjoy  wit  and  humor. 

So,  when  the  mind  is  tired,  the  brain  worried 
into  nervousness,  let  us  cast  aside  thoughts  of 
self  and  seek  ?'est  and  pleasure  in  the  Lighter 
Vein  of  Life.                                J.  De  M. 

D 


n 


The  Contents 


Abernethy 

The  DoBcr''  s  •winy  ad-vict  to  a  la-zy  patient     

He  prescribes  for  a  •woman  of  sense  

y4nd  startles  a  pert  young  damsel  

Alderson 

On  the  art  of  cross-examination  — 

Allen 

Grant  Allen  recommends  Browning  for  the  nerves 
What  are  Keats 

Amelia 


Princess  Amelia's  cleaver  retort  to  a  remarkably  tall  man 
Armstrong 

The  -writing  expert  and  the  hypothetical  dog     - 

Arnold 

Arnold  takes  a  cup  of  tea  -with  Mrs.  ProHer  

He  tells  a  good  story  on  himself 

Barrett 

yudge  Barrett  frequently  quotes  poetry  in  court     

Legal  maxim  established  by  a  poet 

Barry 

A  Republican  hat:   one  -without  a  cro'wn    

Baxter 


Some  curious  titles   

Bayard 

"Buy  the  rat,  Tom!"    

Beaconsjield 

Disraeli  -wants  to  make  suicide  a  capital  offense 
Epigrams   — 

Beecber 

He  forgot  the  letter  

Bent 

Not  the  incumbent — 


ZDD 


Page 

2 

— -     2 

—  3 


23 

23 


14 


n 


n 


n 


Bernhardt 

Denounced  ai  an  imp  of  darknas     

Her  soft  ansiver  — 

Berry 

"The  Little  Minister''  

Biggar 

The  droll  obituary  notice  of  an  Irish  merchant 

Bingham 

On  the  origin  of'^^JVooV  and  '■^  Warebam" 
Bismarck 


13 
14 


Bismarck  knocks  the  conceit  out  of  '■'■Bull  Run  Russell"     — 

B/ack 

ff^hy  the  famous  publisher  refused  knighthood  — —    

B/ackie 

Professor  Blackie  gives  and  receives  a  lesson  in  personal  tidiness 

Blotvitz 

Monsieur  makes  an  amazing  "bulT'  


16 


1  + 


&>  Boyle  Roche,  his  historic  "bull"  in  the  Irish  Commons 

Booth 


A  tragedian  luho  -was  also  a  ivit  — 

Bowen 

A  quaint  invitation  in  rhyme    - 

Brady 

He  -wanted  to  do  the  thing  handsome 
Bramwell 

Almost  a  life-long  ivater-drinker    

Brooks 


iS 


17 


The  Bishop's  plausible  version  of  the  '■'■Jonah"  narrative 
No  duties  attached 


The  lions  versus  the  dogs    

Broughton 

' '  Hang  your  -wine ! ' '  said  Broughton 


*3 


IS 


D 


D 


n 


19 


Browning  p^  ^ 

The  royal  guest  ash  some  plain  questions  of  his  distinguished  friends I O 

Blacking  and  blueing  but  no  Brov)ning    1 1 

Buckley 

His  ears  ivere  long  enough     

Bunsen 

The  German  statesman' s  ad-vice  to  young  men  - 

Burdett 

Much  more  than  a  page      — — 

Burdett-  Coutts 

The  philanthropic  Baroness  is  suspeEied  of  being  a  shop-lifter  — — 

Burke 


13 


George    OnsloTv    attacks  the  great   Burke   -with  much  ardor  but  little 
discrimination  •    

Burnett 


The  Bishop' s  keen  definition  of  tvit  

Burns 

Bobby  Burns  on  the  value  of  a  stingy  man's  life 

Butler 

IVhen  the  General  luas  in  Congress      — 

Butt 

The  butt  of  his  otun  joke     

Byron 

He  is  too  polite  to  call  the  lady  a  cab    — 

And  declares  that  he  never  -was  an  o-vercoat    — 
IVhy  a  play  is  like  a  cigar    

Campbell 

The  trouble  ivith  the  climate — 

Candler 


19 


The  printer  ivas  right 

Capoul 

His  singular  misfortune 


15 


18 
18 
19 


27 


26 


31 


D 


D 


n 


Carlyle 

The  Grand  Cross  no  honor  ^'to  the  likes  of  be'^    

Carlyle' s  "jueer  'at''  ■ 

Carroll 

More  stupid  e-ven  than  ^'^ Alice  in  Wonderland"   

Casey 

And  Mr.  Casey  got  the  position  

Chaffee 

The  General  is  disciplined  by  a  young  lieutenant  of  Volunteers 

And  learns  something  of  army  regulations    

Muldoon  brings  in  the  dry  nvood     

Channell 

Sir  Frederic  Tbesiger  enlightens  the  court    

Lost  in  the  chops  of  the  Channell    ■ 

Chevalier 

Thomas  had  forgotten  the  board  

Choate,  Joseph 

Joseph  Choate  drops  his  "i"  in  England     

He  -visits  Canon  Scott    


Pag. 
-    24 


McClusky  turns  the  laugh  on  Choate  — 

Choate,  Rufus 

A  left-banded  compliment  for  the  Chief  Justice    - 

Nothing  left  but  the  hy-laixis 

Clay 

Henry  Clay  bears  himself  criticised    

Coke 

The  difference  betiueen  Coke  and  Cole    

Corning 

The  preacher  had  poor  terminal  facilities     

Cruikshank 

The  famous  caricaturist  nearly  loses  his  ^^bloomin'  ^ead" 

Curran 

Curran's  celebrated  reply  to  Lord  Clare  

His  last  joke  


24 


34 


29 


35 
36 


32 

32 

33 


33 
34 


24 


28 


D 


D 


n 


Pagt 

-  45 


44 


Da/y 

A  prolix  ivicness     

Dartmouth 

Enter  (he  Ladies  Legge  

Davidson 

The  Bishop  prefers  a  bit  betiveen  his  teeth      

Day 

The  Day  of  the  dog   — 

Depezv 

If  the  Senator  should  e-ver  get  lockjaiv 

Dickens 

He  "writes  a  humorous  letter  declining  the  offer  of  Lcrd  Byron  s  flute  43 
And  another  to  an  eccentric  clock-maker    ■ 43 

Disraeli 

The  Duchess  of  Teck  dines  with  the  Prime  Minister  

Disraeli  sets  a  trap  for  Gladstone  "who  neatly  steps  into  it    

Dorsey 

Boiling  the  fatted  calf 

Dozvse 


-  42 


44 


39 

40 


A  -witty  distin&ion     

And  a  most  absurd  '■'■buW'   

Doyle 

The  novices  did  not  objeii  to  Conan  Doyle  

Dumas 

The  elder  Dumas'  famous  rejoinder  to  Cremieux 

A  clever  repartee 

Dumas  orders  his  dinner  by  pencil  sketches      

And  is  handed  an  umbrella   ■ — 

Dunning 

Lord  Ashburton  tells  one  on  himself — 

Earle 

A  wit  of  the  reign  of  ^een  Anne    

E/iot 


37 
37 


'Daniel  Deronda''  "was  safely  deli'vered 


38 
39 

40 
48 
47 


D 


n 


n 


Elizabeth 

Slueen  Best  exchanges  greetings  'with  the  men  of  Coventry 

The  Greeting    

The  retort  courteous    

Erie 

Unexpressed  profanity  ■ 

Evart 

The  donkey  missed  him  

A  hint  to  farmers 


Tiuo  classes  of  people  opposed  to  long  sentences 

Faussett 

An  unknotvn  punster     


His  celebrated  quatrains  on  King  Coffee  Calcalli     

Franklin 

Franklin^ s  ivit,  patriotism  and  piety  saved  the  occasion 

Gildersleeve 


Page 

-  48 

-  49 

-  49 


46 

46 

46 

47 


A  judge  of  laiv  that  ■was  not  dry 

Opposing  counsel  scores 

Gladstone 

The  ' '  Grand  Old  Man ' '  becomes  excited  in  debate  

^^  Footsteps  of  an  unseen  hand'^   - 

Mrs.  Gladstone  forgets  to  mail  the  invitations   

Mrs.  Stanley  Nelson  s  conundrum  on  Gladstone    - 

Goff 

Appearances  oft  deceive  

Goodwin 

He  could  nt  afford  to  miss  it 

Gott 

Dean  Gott' s  most  amazing  lapse  of  memory    

He  dismisses  his  guests  before  serving  dinner  — 

Salisbury  puns,  the  ^lueen  laughs  and  the  Dean  becomes  a  Bishop 

Grant 


so 
51 


50 


57 

57 


55 
55 
56 
56 


58 


—  56 


53 

54 
54 


The  President  makes  a  praSiical  suggestion  5  3 

Greeley 

Horace  Greeley  discusses  -woman's  rights  ivith  an  able  representative  52 
Crime,  the  sin  netvs  of  journalism  52 


n 


PI  ID 

Grossmith 

fag' 

English  as  she  is  spoke 5  2 

George  Hardinge  announces  to  his  creditor  the  melancholy  circumstance 
of  his  death  6  5 

Harlan 

Silence  that  ivas  aBually  profane    63 

Harte 


She  put  them  on  the  ivrong  man  ■ 60 

Hawkins 

Not  charged  -with  signing  his  oivn  name     65 

Hea/y 

Pardonable  mendacity  60 

Hi//ier 

An  amusing  incident  illustrating  the  misuse  of  the  letter  "i"    66 

Hole 

The  parson  prayed  too  zealously  6 1 

The  efficiency  of  prayer:  Lucy  Gray  'wins  the  steeplechase   ■ 61 

The  "very  stout  bishop  and  the  frank  little  girl  62 

Holmes,  John 

When  a  bachelor  should  impro-ve  his  quarters  59 

Holmes,  Oliver  Wendell 

Aldrich  discomfits  the  Autocrat  of  the  Breakfast  Table  59 

Hook 

Theodore  Hook  as  an  impromptu  rhymster    64 

In  a  more  serious  vein — 64 

Houghton 

MonSion  JMilnes  as  a  raconteur   62 

A  happily  turned  sentence   63 

Irving,  Henry 

Ir'ving  and  Montague  perpetrate  a  ghastly  joke  upon  their  friends    67 

A  bit  of  cle-ver  realism    68 

Irving,  Washington 

An  inherited  malady     67 

PI  ID 


n 


yerrold 

The  nimble  ivit  of  Douglas  yerrold  ■ 

On  seeing  a  tall  man  luitb  a  short  lady    — 

He  is  ivaylaid  by  a  prosy  man     

His  mathematical  toast  to  the  ladies    

Joachim 

The  absurd  blunder  of  a  certain  nobleman 

Johnson,  Bishop 

Ecclesiastical  punning    

Johnson,  Dr. 

A  caustic  rejoinder     

His  opinion  of  ivomen  preachers   

Of  loquacious  ladies • 


And  of  ivives  ivho  talk  Greek 

Johnson,  Dr.  Oliver 

At  least  be  bad  ivit ■ — — - 

Johnston 

He  iv anted  his  day  off 

Kean 

Charles  Kean  as  Richard  HI  - 


Kelly 

Father  Kelly  passes  the  plate    

Kendal 

Mrs.  KendaP  s  remarkable  self-control  ivben  on  the  stage 
An  amusing  incident  in  the  Theatre  Royal 


Page 

-  7^ 

-  7* 

-  71 

-  7* 


71 

70 

69 
69 

70 
70 

70 

69 

77 
73 


75 

76 

Tied  luith  a  double  knot  —  the  Kendals  go  through  the  marriage  ceremony 

tivice  in  one  day     76 

Keogh 


His  lordship  retires  for  the  night 
Pardonable  negleSi 

Kilbride 


74 
74 


The  Irish  member  deli'vers  a  famous  speech  on  the  Food  and  Drugs  Bill  78 
He  insists  that  margarine  is  luidely  used  for  cooking  porpoises  79 


Kipling 

He  ivas  not  courting  his  mother-in-laiu 


73 


n 


Labouchere 


Pag, 


Henry  Labouchere,  a  man  of  infinite  jesl,  plays  a  keen  joke  on  some  o-ver- 

so/icitous  friends 

He  -walks  from  Berne  to  St.  Petersburg 


Mistaken  for  0'  Meagher ,  the  Irish  patriot,  and  treated  to  a  fine  dinner  90 

Landor 

He  remembers  the  key,  but  forgets  the  valise   82 

Some  amusing  eccentricities  — ■    83 


Lang 

On  one  hand  a  budding  funny  man,  on  the  other  a  Socialist   ■ 84 

Lee,  Jennie 

Jennie  Lee  is  urged  to  "dee  yuick'^  87 

Lee,  Nathaniel 

Easy  enough  to  -write  like  a  fool 85 

Leiter 

Lady  Curzon  deli-vers  a  keen  thrust  to  an  ill-bred  member  of  the  British 
aristocracy     84 

Leslie 

Fred  Leslie  scores  one  on  an  Australian  bore  85 

Lever 


Nati-ve  -wit  of  the  old  sod 


86 

liluits  his  post  -without  lea-ve  and  meets  his  chief  at  dinner  86 

Lincoln 

The  President  presents  the  philanthropist  -with  a  bottle  of  hair  tonic  80 

Lockwood 


Sir  Frank  Lock-wood  -wins  on  a  carefully  seleSied  alibi 

Lowell 

Lo-well  dines  -with  a  tramp    

Luce 

Ho-w  could  Stephen  B.  tight  

Ludlow 


81 


9» 


The  General  lights  his  cigar  -with  a  fifty-dollar  bill 


D 


D 


n 


n 


Lytton 

The  Ambassador  kisses  the  maid  servants 

Macaulay 

MisdireHed  zeal    


Macaulay  ivas  equal  to  the  task 
Macready 

A  device  that  fails    

Malins 


The  Vice-Chancellor  qualifies  as  a  judicial  ivit    

And  adroitly  avoids  the  egg  ^^  intended  for  Brother  Bacon'''' 

Manning 

The  Cardinal  admonishes  a  frivolous  undergraduate  

Mansfield,  Lord 

On  the  uncertainty  of  the  lain  

The  little  barrister  is  enraged   

Mansfield,  Richard 

The  unconscious  humor  of  Richard  Mansfield     

Mario 


A  pretty  operatic  anecdote 
Marriott 


No  occasion  for  an  apology     

Martin 

The  famous  painter  laments  that  he  is  not  a  poet  

George  Canning  takes  a  friend  to  the  Royal  Academy 

Mason 


Page 
-    83 


93 
93 

96 


-  99 

100 


93 


96 
96 


97 


94 


94 


95 
95 


The  Scotch  Presbyterian  minister  is  a  man  of  ivit  and  a  keen  judge  of 
horsefiesh    92 

McJdam 

An  apt  and  timely  epigram    98 

The  learned  judge  becomes  impatient  98 

McKinley 

The  late  President" s  retort  convulses  the  court    98 

Millais 


Millais  of  the  Royal  Artillery 


95 


n 


Moody 

Gladstone  and  Moody  exchange  compliments  

Norbury 

Parsons  chuckled  last 

Norfolk 

Lord  Tburloiv  lays  an  egg  

Nott 

Thomas  Nott  enters  the  Eccentric  Club  of  London    ■ 

Nye 

Bill  Nye  has  a  little  fun  ivith  Senator  Shirley  of  Maine 

And  Riley  plays  a  keen  joke  on  bis  leHuring  partner   

Mrs.  Nye  to  the  rescue • 

O'  Connell 

The  Irish  liberator''  s  famous  speech  against  Disraeli     

And  his  extraordinary  apology  

O'  Gorman 

Irish  -wit  and  repartee  in  Parliament     

The  Major  is  first  at  last    — — 

His  "very  erratic  autograph      

He  rebukes  an  M.  P.  "who  has  insulted  the  Irish  — 

A  hint  to  the  profession     — 

An  Opieate  sermon  


Page 
-  9* 


104 


lOI 
lOZ 

103 


105 

106 


106 

107 
107 

108 


105 
105 


Paderewski 

The  great  pianist  sends  a  lock  of  hair  to  a  ivell-knoivn  society  -woman    1 1 2 

Paine 

Henry  JV.  Paine  deli-vers  a  brilliant  and  successful  rebuke  to  an  incom- 
petent jury      1 1 2 

Palmerston 

The  sporting  Prime  Minister  has  fun  ivith  the  deputation     

The  puritanic  member  had  ne-ver  ivon  the  Derby  - 

Panons 

The  Squire  protests  charges  of  disloyalty     


109 
no 


D 


n 


D 


D 


Phillips 

i-  Pagt 

The  Abolitioniit  and  bis  black  brother  have  a  mutual  misunderstanding   113 

PigOU 

He  ivas  taking  no  chances    - 

The  shock  "was  fatal  

Pope 

Honors  about  even    


III 
III 


Pope  makes  a  keen  pun  on  a  bard  subjeSl  

Potter 

An  incendiary  experiment    - 

Richards 

The  Headmaster' s  bold  stratagem  narroivly  costs  him  his  neck 
But  he  proves  game    

Roosevelt 

The  only  animal  on  record  to  frighten  Teddy  

Rather  rough  on  the  Rough  Rider    - 

Rosebery 


109 
109 


114 


118 
119 


ii6 

117 


116 


His  apt  definition  of  memory  

A  prophetic  tvish  gratified  — — - 

Russell 

The  penalty  fits  the  crime     — ■ — ■    115 

Concerning  the  size  of  certain  hoof-prints 115 

Salvini 

The  aBor  overhears  an  ingenious  criticism  of  his  Othello 130 

Sandys 

The  greatest  of  English  draughtsmen  is  an  urbane  and  most  accommo- 
dating gentleman     130 

Scott 


The  riddle  in  Scott's  ^^  Marmion"  

Not  a  faithful  likeness  of  Robbie  

Sir  Walter  climbs  into  St.  Kevin  s  Bed 


120 
120 
121 


Sir  Walter  alters  a  line  of  '■'■  Flodden   Field"''  to  the  delight  of  the 
Highland  innkeeper    1 21 

Seymour 

The  dying  Othello  dares  a  disturber  in  the  gallery  to  come  dozon  and 
ba-ve  his  head  punched    — 127 


D 


D 


Sheepshanks 

The  Bishop  proves  himself  a  courteous  and  chivalrous  gentleman 
Sheridan 

Tom  discusses  -with  his  father  the  dofirine  of  necessity     

Sigsiee 

The  Captain  feels  like  a  sperm  -whale  doing  crochet  work    

Sims 

Unique  examples  of  lapsus  lingua    

• '  The  -welly  of  the  hale ' '    •    •    - 

^  mixed  text 

The  parish  lose  their '■^shoving  leopard^'  - 

^^ Half'-warmed fish  in  their  hearts^ ^  — 

''Duff  and  dem''     

The  Bishop  -wants  a  ''bandy-hag^'    

Mrs.  Langtry's  break    •    

''And  let  the  parson  cough'' - 

Charles  Calvert's  amusing  slip    

Another  by  a  -well-ino-wn  aSior    

A  paralyzing  threat 


Pag, 


138 


'34 


The  Captain  introduces  himself  to  the  Emperor 
Some-what  confusing    • 


'35 

135 

135 

135 

13s 

136 

136 

136 

136 

136 

137 

137 

'37 

138 


Smith,  Dean 

Ho-w  "  Presence-of-Mind"  Smith  earned  his  nickname 

Smith,  Sydney 

Sydney  Smith  notes  a  remarkable  phenomenon  

Sothern 

The  offender  -was  equal  to  the  occasion    


Sothern  plays  an  unexpelied  joke  upon  his  dinner  guests 

Spurgeon 

Making  game  of  Patridge   


132 


132 


'33 

133 


125 

A  quotation  of  double  significance 125 

The  theological  student  -wittily  applies  the  story  of  Zaccbeus  to  his  o-wn 

embarrassing  position 126 

Stanley 

A  ludicrous  incident  illustrating  Dean  Stanley's  unrivaled  presence  of 
mind 131 


D 


D 


D 


Stevenson 

A  "very  -wet  day  at  Edinburgh      

Stowe 

A  good  itory  on  the  author  of  "  Uncle  Tom^s  Cabin^'    

Sullivan,  Sir  Arthur 
A  tuneful  impro'viiation 


Sir  Arthur  denies  that  he  is  the  famous  slugger  — 

And  recei-ves  an  in-vitation  from  a  con-vi-vial  Californian  

Difficult  to  disguise  


Sullivan,  Barry 

Barry  Sulli-van,  the  ranting  tragedian,  does  a  bit  of  realistic  loork 
Another  touch  of  realism  


Waiting  for  the  proper  cue     

Temple 

The  Archbishops  s  gruff  rejoinder  to  a  garrulous  lady  

'^  Hang  the  piiiure  !'"    replies  the  Archbishop    — 

Tennyson 

The  poet  is  annoyed  by  a  "very  gushing  young  lady    

Thornton 

The  Bishop  of  Ballarat  recei-ves  a  bit  of  friendly  counsel 

Tolstoi 

The  personal  -vanity  of  Tolstoi 

Tomlins 

Concerning  family  respeB  and  official  duties     — 

Tooke 

The  eccentricities  of  John  Home  Tooke   

A  hold  bon  mot     


Pagt 


>34 


123 
123 

124 

124 


128 

129 

129 


2'oole 

A  strange  beverage,  but  the  '■'■bobby''s  is  undoubtedly  luilling 


143 
144 


139 


147 


149 


146 


148 
149 


139 

140 


&>  Henry  Irwng  tells  a  good  story  cbaraBeristic  of  the  comedian 

Toole  and  Warden  make  a  shrewd  bet  and  the  landlord  pays  the  hill   141 

The  comedian  deli-vers  a  le&ure  on  China  proper  and  improper  142 

Toole  salutes  the  breiver  ivith  snatches  of  popular  melody  to  that  indi- 
■viduaP s  disgust 14- 


D 


Traill 

His  repartee  to  a  musical  critic   — — — 
&>  IVilliam  Harcourt^  s  notorious  jest  - 

Twain 


Mark  Ttvain  spends  his  spare  time  in  compiling  a  pun 

Marii  is  captured  by  an  apt  quotation    

Rumour  of  bis  death  exaggerated     — 

He  pokes  a  little  fun  at  a  Scotch  laivyer  

Ward,  Artemus 


The  last  joke  of  a  great  humorist  

Wesley 

There  ivas  method  in  his  choice  — ■ 

Wesley  adopts  pretty  tunes  for  his  hymns  

Westlake 

The  ConneBicut  farmer  has  '■^  a  fling'' ^  at  some  legal  friends 

Whately 

Clerical  ivit  —  some  of  fVhately'' s  genial  "witticisms — 

On  the  appointment  of  Day  to  the  Bishopric  of  Dublin 


Pag, 
147 

147 


144 
145 
145 
145 


155 


150 
150 


15^ 


152 

152 

^Suchfoine  cal'ves^''  has  the  Archbishop,  but  ^'■such  a  bard  heart'"''  153 

He  jests  "with  John  of  Cork    153 

Knocks  the  Bishop  of  Doiun  • ■    153 

Whistler 

The  artist  is  mistaken  for  a  salesman    

Whitman 


156 


The  poet  helps  George  Childs  along 

Whitefeld 

Ad-vice  to  public  speakers     ■ 

Wilberforce 

Position  sometimes  makes  a  difference 
Wilcox 


Ella  JVheeler  Wilcox'' s  Epigram  on  D'fvorce 

Wilde 

A  luild-goose  chase 


154 


154 


160 


15' 


159 


D 


Willard 

Bartimeus  fVillard  takes  dinner  •with  the  laivyers    

And  "bletses^'  them  in  rhyme:  a  most  unique  improvisation 

William 

A  sharp  and  ivell-merited  rebuff  for  the  young  Kaiser  

Wiseman 


The  Cardinal  performs  a  miracle  de  con-venance 
Wordsworth 


Page 
156 


151 


160 


The  poet  endeavors  to  see  himself  as  others  see  him,  and  is  successful   150 


D 


1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

I 

1 

"  One  hearty  laugh  togetherwill 
bring  enemies  into  closer  com- 
munion  of  heart  than  hours 
spent  on  both  sides  in  inward 
wrestling  with  the  mental 
demon  of  uncharitable  feeling^ 

Arnold 

Arnold  takes  a 
cup  of  tea  luitb 
Mrs.  Prober 

He  tells  a  good 
story  on  himself 

\   FTER    his  return  to    London  from 
£\.  his  first  tour  in  the  United  States, 
Matthew  Arnold  visited  old  Mrs.  Proc- 
ter, widow  of  the  poet  **  Barry   Corn- 
wall," and  mother  of  Adelaide  Prowler. 
Mrs.    Procter,    who    was    then    eighty 
years  old,  in  giving  Mr.  Arnold  a  cup 
of  tea,  asked  him,  "And  what  did  they 
say  of  you  in  America?"   "Well,"  said 
the  literary  autocrat,  "they  said  I  was 
conceited,  and  they  said  my  clothes  did 
not  fit  me."    "Ah,"  remarked  the  old 
lady,  "I  think  they  were  mistaken  as 
to  the  clothes." 

Arnold  told  a  good  story  on  himself 
when  he  was  in  the  West.    He  had  an 
off-night  and  was  attrad:ed  by  the  an- 
nouncement that  a  well-known  elocu- 
tionist was  to  "entertain"  at  the  Public 

I 

Abernethy 

The  doElor^  i 

iv'itty  ad-vice  to  a 

la%y  patient 


He  prescribe 

for  a  luoman  of 

sense 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 

Hall  of  the  South  Dakota  town.  He 
strolled,  all  unknown,  into  the  hall  and 
sat  among  the  people.  On  the  program 
was  a  poem  by  Arnold  himself,  en- 
titled, "  Youth's  Agitations,"  beginning : 
"When  I  shall  be  divorced  some  ten 
years  hence "  The  elocutionist,  un- 
fortunately, paused  a  second,  and  in  an 
instant  a  voice  from  the  rear  of  the  hall 
shouted,  "Ten  years!  He  should  come 
out  to  Dakota,  an'  he  can  get  one  in 
two  weeks! " 

DR.  Abernethy  was  quite  as  cele- 
brated as  a  wit  as  he  was  in  his  pro- 
fession. One  day  a  man,  notorious  for 
his  laziness,  called  on  him  for  advice. 
He  went  into  details,  pointing  out  how 
he  suffered.  The  dodior  wrote  a  pre- 
scription and  handed  it  to  him  folded. 
The  patient  paid  the  guinea  fee  and 
departed,  thoroughly  disgusted  when  he 
opened  the  paper  in  his  carriage,  and  read: 
"Live  on  sixpence  a  day  and  earn  it." 
The  doctor  liked  people  who  could 
explain  their  symptoms  in  the  briefest 
possible  manner.  He  met  his  ideal  one 
day.  A  lady  who  had  been  burned  in 
several  places,  but  was  able  to  get  about, 
called  on  him.    She  entered  his  office. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


turned  up  the  sleeve  of  her  dress  and 
pointed  to  a  red  mark,  saying,  "  A  burn  ! ' ' 
"Poultice!"  answered  the  dodlor.  She 
bared  her  neck  and  showed  another  burn, 
merely  using  the  two  words,  "  A  burn  !  " 
Again  the  dod:or  said,  "Poultice!" 
"What  fee?"  she  asked.  "Nothing! 
Woman  of  sense !  "  answered  Abernethy 
as  he  opened  the  door  for  her  to  pass  out. 
He  hated  shams,  and  on  one  occasion 
he  fancied  a  pert  young  damsel  had  simu- 
lated fainting  for  effed:.  The  dodtor,  be- 
ing present,  did  not  go  near  the  crowd 
of  friends  gathered  round  her,  but  called 
out,  "  Pull  off  her  stockings  and  tickle 
her  feet."  Instantly  the  fainting  girl 
cried,  "  I  shall  go  mad  if  you  tickle 
my  feet." 

GRANT  Allen  once  received  this  most 
delightful  epistle:  "Dear  Sir — Par- 
don the  liberty  I  am  taking.  In  your 
clever  story  of  The  Great  Ruby  Rob- 
bery you  mention  Browningbeing  splen- 
did for  the  nerves.  Is  there  such  a  thing  ? 
Would  you  give  me  the  address  to  ob- 
tain ?  I  am  a  dreadful  sufferer  of  nervous- 
ness. Under  such  circumstances  you  will 
accept  my  apology  for  troubling.  Yours 
faithfully, To  Grant  Allen,  Esq." 


3 


And  startles  a 
pert  young 
damsel 


Allen 

Grant  Allen 
recommends 
Brotvning  for 
the  tier'ves 


JVbat  are  Keacs 


Alderson 

On  the  art  of 
cross- 
examination 


Armstrong 

The  10  riling 

expert  and  the 

hypothetical  dog 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Mr.  Clodd,  who  makes  the  letter  public, 
suggests  that  it  may  have  been  written 
by  the  same  individual  who,  on  hearing 
the  announcement  of  a  ledture  on  Keats, 
asked,  "What  are  Keats?" 

BARON  Alderson,  a  celebrated  Eng- 
lish judge,  once  remarked  to  a  coun- 
sel who  was  notorious  for  the  personal 
nature  of  the  questions  he  addressed  to 
witnesses :  "  Really,  you  seem  to  think 
the  art  of  cross-examining  is  to  examine 
crossly." 

MR.  Sergeant  Armstrong  was  one 
of  the  wittiest  and  most  eloquent 
barristers  of  the  Irish  bar  in  the  early 
part  of  the  last  decade  of  the  nineteenth 
century.  On  one  occasion  he  was  cross- 
examining  an  expert  in  writing,  and 
suddenly  asked,  "What  has  become  of 
the  dog?"  This  question  was  thrice  re- 
peated to  the  witness,  who  could  only 
say  that  he  did  not  know  what  the 
counsel  meant.  At  last  he  said,  "What 
dog?"  "Do  you  swear  you  do  not 
know?"  "Yes."  "Why,"  exclaimed 
the  learned  counsel  in  triumph,  "  I 
allude,  of  course,  to  the  dog  Judge 
Dowse  told  a  jury  he  would  not  hang 
on  your  evidence !  " 


IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

5 

Tn    a    recently   published    diary   of  a 
X  Court  lady  of  the  eighteenth  century, 
we  are  told  that  Princess  Amelia  asked 
a  remarkably  tall  man  what  he  was  in- 
tended for.     "The  Church,"  said  he. 
**Oh,  sir,  you  must  mistake,"  said  the 
princess ;   "  it  was  certainly  for  the  stee- 
ple!" This  retort  has  frequently  been 
attributed  to  Curran. 

Amelia 

Princess 
Amelia  s  cle-ver 
retort  to  a 
remarkably  tall 
man 

1 

6 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

Burns 

Bobbie  Burns 

on  the 

value  of  a  stingy 

man  s  life 

Berr-^ 

"  The  Littk 
Minister ' ' 

JVhen  a  man  says  humorous 
things  about  you  it  makes  you 
laugh  I  when  he  says  witty 
things  it  makes  you  angry. 

rr^HE  POET  Burns  was  standing  on  the 
A     dock  at  Greenock  when  a  wealthy 
merchant  fell  into  the  Clyde.    He  was 
no  swimmer  and  would  have  undoubtedly 
lost  his  life  had  not  a  sailor  rescued  him. 
The  merchant,  on  recovering  from  his 
fright,  put  his  hand  into  his  pocket  and 
presented    the    sailor    with    a    shilling. 
Loud  protests  against  the  contemptible 
insignificance  of  the  sum  were  uttered, 
but  Burns,  with  a  smile  of  ineffable  scorn, 
silenced  the  crowd.  "  Is  not  the  gentle- 
man," he  exclaimed,  "the  best  judge  of 
the  value  of  his  own  lifer" 

\   FTER  the  late  Rev.  Dr.  Berry,  of 
X~\.  Wolverhampton,  England,  had  de- 
livered an  address  in  Chicago,   a  lady 
rushed   up    to  him    and    thanked    him 
heartilv  for  his  address,  but  still  more 
for  his  beautiful  book  which  she  had  so 
greatly  admired.    "To  which  book  do 
you   refer,   madam?"   he  asked.    "Oh, 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN       7 


The  Little  Minister  !  "  said  the  lady, 
who  had  confused  the  clergyman  with 
J.  M.  Barrie.  "No,"  answered  Berry, 
who  was  a  short  man,  "  I  did  not  write 
The  Little  Minister;  I  am  *The 
Little  Minister.'  '* 

WHEN  the  eccentric  Belfast  mer- 
chant, the  originator  of  obstruc- 
tion tallies  in  the  British  Parliament, 
died,  a  patriotic  journal  concluded  an 
obituary  notice  thus  eloquently :  **  A 
great  Irishman  has  passed  away.  Heaven 
grant  that  many  as  great,  and  who  as 
wisely  shall  love  their  country,  may 
follow  him! " 

JUSTIN  McCarthy  tells  a  reminis- 
cent story  of  the  late  Henry  Ward 
Beecher.  Mr.  Beecher  entered  Plymouth 
Church  one  Sunday  and  found  several 
letters  awaiting  him.  He  opened  one 
and  found  it  contained  the  single  word, 
"Fool."  Quietly  and  with  becoming 
seriousness  he  announced  to  the  congre- 
gation the  fad:  in  these  words :  "  I  have 
known  many  an  instance  of  a  man  writ- 
ing a  letter  and  forgetting  to  sign  his 
name,  but  this  is  the  only  instance  I  have 
ever  known  of  a  man  signing  his  name 
and  forgetting  to  write  the  letter." 


The  droll 
obituary  notice 
of  an  Irish 
merchant 


Beecher 

He  forgot  the 

Utter 


8 


Blozvitz 

Monsieur  makes 

an  amazing 

''bull" 


Sir  Boyle  Roche, 

his  historic 

' '  bull ' '  in  the 

Irish  Commons 


Basard 

' '  Buy  the  rat, 
Tom  ! ' ' 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


THE  ABLE  Paris  correspondent  of  the 
London  Times^  M.  de  Blowitz,  a 
most  careful  and  almost  sedate  man,  was 
recently  guilty  of  a  "bull"  worthy  of 
Sir  Boyle  Roche.  Referring  to  a  passage 
from  the  Paris  Liberie^  he  gave  the  world 
this  amazing  piece  of  natural  history : 
**  I  quote  this  because  the  Liberie  is  one 
of  those  amphibious  journals  that,  wait- 
ing to  see  which  way  the  wind  blows, 
sometimes  unexpectedly  turn  the  scale." 
Sir  Boyle  Roche's  famous  "bull"  was 
uttered  in  the  Irish  House  of  Commons 
and  was  a  curious  mixture :  "  Sir,  I  smell 
a  rat ;  I  see  it  in  the  air ;  but  I  will  nip 
it  in  the  bud." 

IT  IS  related  of  the  late  Mr.  Bayard, 
ex-Secretary  of  State  and  Ambassador 
to  England,  that  his  house  being  overrun 
with  rats,  he  determined  to  buy  a  terrier. 
He  applied  to  a  most  intimate  friend, 
William  R.  Travers,  who  was  not  only 
a  very  witty  man  but  a  good  all-round 
sport.  Travers  said  he  could  get  a  first- 
rate  terrier  for  his  friend,  and  in  order 
that  Mr.  Bayard  could  see  the  sporting 
qualities  of  the  dog  he  took  him  to  a  rat- 
pit.  The  dog-fancier  produced  a  dog  and 
put  him  in  the  pit.    Then  he  got  a  fierce- 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


looking  rat  and  put  it  also  into  the  pit. 
The  two  animals  glared  at  each  other, 
and  as  the  animal  made  a  dash,  the  ter- 
rier turned  tail  and  ran,  pursued  by 
the  rat.  "Buy  the  rat,  Tom,"  Travers 
shouted,  "buy  the  rat!" 

AN  AMUSING  story  is  told  of  Adam 
Black,  the  founder  of  the  well- 
known  firm  of  publishers,  giving  the  rea- 
son for  refusing  the  offer  of  knighthood, 
made  to  him  in  recognition  of  his  great 
services  in  the  cause  of  pure  literature. 
"  Na,  na,"  said  he  in  his  broad  Scotch 
dialedl:,  "  it  would  never  do  to  have  the 
laddies  comin'  into  the  shop  and  sayin', 
*Sir  Adam,  I'll  tak'  a  pennyworth  of 
pens!'" 

JUSTICE  Bramwell  of  the  English 
High  Court  of  Justice  was  a  man  of 
infinite  wit.  On  one  occasion  Benjamin 
Whitworth,  the  millionaire  manufac- 
turer and  life-long  total  abstainer,  was  a 
witness  in  a  case  tried  before  Bramwell. 
In  the  course  of  his  examination,  Whit- 
worth said :  "  I  am  now  in  my  sixty- 
third  year  of  water-drinking."  Justice 
Bramwell  remarked :  "  The  witness  has 
gone  a  little  beyond  the  exad:  truth,  I 
should  think.    Surely  the  first  of  those 


Black 

Why  the  famous 
publisher 
refused  knight- 
hood 


Bramwell 

Almost  a 
life-long  ivater- 
drinker 


I  o      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Browning 

The  royal  guest 

asks  some  plain 

questions  of  bis 

distinguished 

friends 


sixty-three  years  he  did  not  drink  water! 
He  may  have  done  so  since.  All  I  can 
say  is,  I  hope  he  likes  it." 

A  COMPANY  of  men  distinguished  in 
the  professions  had  assembled  at  the 
house  of  a  famous  surgeon.  A  royal 
guest  with  that  impertinence  character- 
istic of  princes,  asked  what  a  first-class 
surgeon  could  make  in  his  profession. 
"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  host,  "  I  should  say 
about  fifteen  thousand  pounds  a  year 
would  be  about  the  mark."  "What," 
asked  the  prince  turning  to  a  lawyer 
who  was  the  acknowledged  leader  of 
the  English  bar,  "what  does  a  good 
barrister  make?"  "I  suppose  in  the 
neighborhood  of  twenty-five  thousand 
pounds  a  year."  Turning  to  Sir  John 
Millais,  who  was  present,  the  prince  said, 
"  And  what  might  a  good  painter  earn  ? " 

"About  thirty-five  thousand "  "Oh, 

come  now,  that  is  too  good !  "  exclaimed 
the  prince,  who  began  to  think  the  men 
were  having  some  fun  with  him.  Millais 
became  rather  nettled,  and  spoke  up 
hotly:  "As  a  matter  of  fa6t,  last  year 
I  made  forty  thousand  pounds,  and  might 
have  made  more  had  I  not  been  taking 
a  holiday  longer  than  usual  in  Scotland." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I  I 


Browning  was  in  close  conversation  with 
Matthew  Arnold  and  Tennyson,  and 
when  he  heard  Millais'  remark,  he  put 
his  arms  through  those  of  his  friends, 
saying,  "We  don't  make  that  by  litera- 
ture, do  we?" 

It  was  in  a  little  country  store  out 
West,  which  served  as  grocery,  dry 
goods,  butcher's  and  post-office  com- 
bined. A  tourist,  who  had  stopped  off 
for  the  day,  glancing  over  some  books, 
asked,  "Have  you  Browning?"  "No, 
sir,  we  have  not,  but  we  have  blacking 
and  blueing.  Would  either  of  these  do  ? " 

A  GREAT  number  of  the  best  things 
said  by  the  celebrated  Burke  were 
uttered  in  the  course  of  those  debates 
when  the  foolish  fashion  of  the  time 
emptied  the  benches  at  his  rising.  His 
being  an  Irishman,  and  belonging  to  the 
common  people,  made  the  ignorant  and 
fashionable  triflers  who  had  a  seat  in 
parliament  owing  solely  to  their  aristo- 
cratic birth,  or  their  money,  feel  it  a  duty 
to  their  order  to  leave  the  house  when 
he  rose  to  speak.  On  one  occasion  he 
denounced  in  strong  terms  some  adl  of 
the  ministry.  George  Onslow,  thinking 
he  could  gain  some  renown  by  tackling 


Blacking  and 
blueing  but  no 
Broiuning 


Burke 

George  Onsloiu 
attacks  the  great 
Burke  -with 
much  ardor  but 
little  discrimina- 


I  2      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Barry 

A  Republican 

bat :  one  iv'itb- 

out  a  crown 


the  great  Burke,  started  up,  and  with 
assumed  indignation  called  the  honora- 
ble member  to  a  sense  of  his  duty, — 
telling  him  that  no  man  should  be  suf- 
fered, in  his  presence,  to  insult  his  Sover- 
eign. Burke  listened,  and  when  Onslow 
sat  down,  he  addressed  the  Speaker: 
"Sir,  the  Honorable  Member  has  ex- 
hibited much  ardor,  but  little  discrimi- 
nation. He  should  know  that,  however 
I  may  reverence  the  King,  I  am  not  at 
all  bound,  nor  at  all  inclined,  to  extend 
the  reverence  to  his  Ministers.  I  may 
honor  his  Majesty,  but,  sir,  I  can  see  no 
possible  reason  for  honoring," — here 
he  glanced  at  the  Treasury  bench  on 
which  Onslow  was  sitting, —  "his  Maj- 
esty's man-servant,  and  maid-servant,  his 
ox,  and  his  ass!'' 

MICHAEL  Joseph  Barry,  one  of 
the  "Young  Ireland"  poets,  was 
appointed,  long  after  1848,  a  police 
magistrate  in  Dublin.  During  the  Fenian 
troubles  an  Irish-American  arrested  in 
Dublin  on  suspicion  of  being  in  Ireland 
with  seditious  designs  was  brought  up 
before  Barry.  A  constable  deposed  that 
the  susped:  was  wearing  a  Republican 
hat.    "A  Republican  hat!"   exclaimed 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


3 


the  prisoner's  counsel.  "  Does  your  wor- 
ship know  what  that  means?"  "I  pre- 
sume," said  Barry,  with  a  sly  twinkle  in 
his  eye,  "  that  a  Republican  hat  is  a  hat 
without  a  crown." 

THE  PHILANTHROPIC  Baroness  Bur- 
dett-Coutts  was  once  shopping  in 
Paris,  and  was  passed  from  one  depart- 
ment to  another  by  the  clerks,  always 
with  the  remark  "two-ten."  The  lady 
became  embarrassed  and  asked  an  official 
what  it  meant.  **  It  is  merely  a  password 
that  the  clerks  are  in  the  habit  of 
exchanging,"  was  the  answer.  That 
evening  when  the  porter  brought  her 
purchases  she  asked  him  if  he  would 
like  to  earn  five  francs.  Of  course  he 
had  no  objecStion,  and  the  millionaire,  a 
baroness  in  her  own  right,  was  told  in 
answer  to  her  question  that  "two-ten" 
meant  that  the  clerks  were  to  keep  two 
eyes  on  her  ten  fingers.  The  mystery 
was  explained, —  the  richest  woman  in 
Great  Britain  had  been  susped:ed  of  be- 
ing a  shoplifter. 

DURING  A  tour  of  the  United  States 
in  1880,  Sarah  Bernhardt  entered 
a  Protestant  Church,  and  there  heard  a 
clergyman  denounce  her  as  "  an  imp  of 


Burdett- 

Coutts 

The 

philanthropic 
Barontis  is  sus- 
pe&ed  of  being  a 
shoplifter 


Bernhardt 

Denounced  as  an 
imp  of 
darkness 


Her  soft  ansiver 


Bent 

Not  the 
incumbent 


Bismarck 

Bismarck  knocks 

the  conceit  out  of 

"  Bull  Run 

Russell ' ' 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


darkness,  a  female  demon  sent  from  the 
Modern  Babylon  to  corrupt  the  New 
World."  **On  returning  to  her  hotel," 
says  Jules  Huret,  in  his  Memoirs  of 
Sarah  Bernhardt,  "she  wrote  and  sent 
to  the  clergyman  this  letter :  *  My  dear 
Confrere :  Why  attack  me  so  violently  ? 
A6tors  ought  not  to  be  hard  on  one  an- 
other.   Sarah  Bernhardt.' " 

SIR  Algernon  West,  in  his  Reminis- 
cences, records  the  following  /^on 
mot.  One  of  his  contemporaries  at  Ox- 
ford, was  Bent,  who  afterwards  became 
the  vicar  of  Woolwich.  On  leaving  the 
Varsity  he  became  a  poorly  paid  curate. 
Somebody  coming  up  to  him  in  the 
street  said,  *'  I  believe  you  are  the  in- 
cumbent." "No,"  he  replied,  "I  am 
Bent  without  the  income." 

DURING  the  siege  of  Paris,  Bismarck 
was  a  good  deal  irritated  by  some 
of  the  statements  and  comments  which 
appeared  in  several  of  the  London  pa- 
pers. At  that  time  Dr.  W.  H.  Russell, 
"Bull  Run  Russell,"  was  ad:ing  as  spe- 
cial correspondent  for  the  Times,  and  in 
that  capacity  was  often  in  Bismarck's 
society.  One  evening,  when  Bismarck 
had  been  denouncing  the  other  English 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


papers  with  his  usual  vigor  and  pungency 
of  phrase,  Dr.  Russell  took  occasion 
to  remark,  in  a  self-complacent  way, 
"  Well,  you  must  admit.  Count  Bis- 
marck, that  I,  at  least,  have  been  en- 
tirely discreet  in  everything  I  have 
written  for  the  Times.  You  have  always 
conversed  before  me  with  the  utmost 
frankness  on  all  sorts  of  subjects,  and  I 
have  never  repeated  a  word  of  anything 
you  have  said."  Bismarck  turned  upon 
him  with  a  look  of  mingled  anger  and 
contempt.  "The  more  fool  you!"  he 
roared.  "  Do  you  suppose  that  I  never 
said  a  word  before  you  that  I  didn't  want 
you  to  print?" 

LORD  Broughton  had  a  most  pep- 
pery temper.  One  day  Thackeray 
had  at  his  dinner  a  special  bottle  of 
Madeira.  There  was  one  glass  left,  and 
Thackeray,  patting  Lord  Broughton  on 
the  back,  said,  "  There,  my  dear  old  boy, 
you  drink  that."  "I  am  not  your  dear 
boy,  I  am  not  old,  and  hang  your  wine !  " 
said  Broughton. 

WHEN  General  B.  F.  Butler  was  in 
Congress,  he  rose  in  his  place  and 
insinuated  that  the  member  who  was 
occupying    the  floor  was    transgressing 


Broughton 

' '  Hang  your 
ivine  !  ' '  said 
Broughton 


Butler 

Wbtn  the 
General  ivas  in 
Congress 


I  6      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Beaconsjield 

DisraeH  ivants 

to  makes  suicide 

a  capital 

offense 


Epigr 


Bingham 

On  the  cigin  of 
^•■fVoor^  and 
' '  IVarebam 


the  limit  of  debate.  "Why,  General," 
said  the  member  in  respectful  tones, 
"you  divided  your  time  with  me."  "I 
know  I  did,"  rejoined  the  general,  "but 
I  did  not  divide  eternity  with  you." 

LORD  Beaconsfield  when  in  the 
House  of  Commons,  and  known  as 
Benjamin  Disraeli,  was  guilty  of  many 
"bulls."  On  one  occasion  he  proposed 
to  make  suicide  a  capital  offense.    "We 

only  punish  those  who  fail ,"  he  said, 

and  the  laughter  drowned  the  conclusion 
of  the  sentence.  At  another  time  he 
declared  that,  for  a  certain  offense,  im- 
prisonment for  life  was  "  too  short  a  term 
to  be  a  deterrent." 

In  one  of  his  novels  he  makes  a  char- 
a(5ter  utter  this  epigram :  "  Youth  is  a 
blunder,  manhood  a  struggle,  old  age  a 
regret." 

In  another  is  the  witty  remark : 
"  Every  woman  ought  to  marry,  but  no 
man.  It  is  a  difficult  rule;  but  the  dif- 
ficulty is  solved  by  the  exceptions." 

CANON  Bingham  was  a  most  witty 
divine,  and  the  clergy  always  en- 
joyed being  with  him  at  any  time.  On 
one  occasion  he  was  traveling  with  a 
number   of  clergy,  in   the    County   of 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


7 


Dorset,  and  had  to  pass  through  two 
places  named  respectively  Wool  and 
Wareham.  One  of  the  clergy,  in  all 
seriousness,  remarked  that  he  had  often 
been  puzzled  over  the  origin  of  the  two 
names.  "I  can  tell  you  the  origin," 
said  the  canon:  "We  are  in  the  midst 
of  a  sheep  county,  and  at  Wool  you 
wool  the  sheep,  and  at  Wareham  you 
wear  'em.'* 

THE  Rev.  Cyrus  Townsend  Brady, 
who  was  a  very  successful  mission- 
ary in  the  West  in  pioneer  days,  says 
that  he  once  officiated  at  two  weddings 
in  one  day  and  was  very  much  amused. 
"The  first  wedding  fee  I  received,"  he 
wrote,  "was  ten  dollars,  a  very  large 
remuneration  for  the  place  and  the  peo- 
ple. After  the  second  wedding  the  best 
man  called  me  into  a  private  room  and 
thus  addressed  me :  *  What's  the  tax,  par- 
son?' *  Anything  you  like,  or  nothing 
at  all,'  I  answered.  *  Now,'  said  he,  *  we 
want  to  do  this  thing  in  proper  shape, 
but  I've  had  no  experience  in  this  busi- 
ness, and  don't  know  what  is  proper. 
Just  you  name  your  figure.'  I  suggested 
that  the  legal  fee  was  two  dollars. 
*  Pshaw,'  he  said,  *  this  ain't  legal !    We 


Brady 

He  ivanted 
to  do  the  thing 
handsome 


I  8 


Booth 

A  tragedian 
•who  "was  also  a 


Byron 

He  is  too  polite 

to  call  the  lady 

a  cab 


And  declares 

that  he  ne-ver 

ivas  an 

o-vercoat 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


want  to  do  the  thing  handsome.'  *Go 
ahead  and  do  it/  I  said.  He  reflected 
for  a  moment  and  then  asked  how  much 
I  had  received  for  the  first  wedding  in 
the  morning.  *Ten  dollars,'  I  replied. 
His  face  brightened;  here  was  a  solu- 
tion of  the  difficulty.  'I'll  go  one  better,' 
he  said,  and  handed  me  eleven  dollars." 

THE  ELDER  Booth  had  a  broken 
nose.  A  lady  once  remarked  to 
him:  "I  like  your  acting,  Mr.  Booth, 
but  to  be  frank  with  you,  I  can't  get  over 
your  nose."  "No  wonder,  madam,"  the 
tragedian  replied,  "the  bridge  is  gone." 

HENRY  J.  Byron  was  not  only  witty 
as  a  playwright,  but  equally  so  in 
private  life.  He  could  scarcely  talk  with- 
out making  puns,  or  indulging  in  witty 
remarks.  A  lady  accosted  him  one  day, 
and  said,  "  Oh,  Mr.  Byron,  will  you 
please  call  me  a  cab?"  He  raised  his 
hat  and  replied  that  he  could  not  think 
of  being  so  rude. 

One  bitterly  cold  day  Byron  was 
walking  along  the  Strand  when  Lionel 
Brough,  the  comedian,  met  him,  and 
said,  "Why,  Byron,  you  never  wear  an 
overcoat."  "No,"  answered  th.Q  farceur , 
"no,  Brough,  I  never  was." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Byron  once  remarked  that  "  a  play  is 
very  much  Uke  a  cigar.  If  it's  good, 
everybody  wants  a  box.  If  it's  bad,  all 
the  puffing  in  the  world  won't  make  it 
go. 

BISHOP  Burnett  was  once  asked  by 
a  lady  what  wit  was  like,  to  which 
he  replied :  "  Like  your  ladyship's  bottle 
of  sal  volatile,  pungent  at  first  opening, 
but  on  being  too  much  handled  about, 
loses  all  its  flavor,  and  becomes  insipid." 

ONE  AFTERNOON,  Several  years  ago. 
Dr.  J.  M.  Buckley,  editor  of  the 
New  Tork  Christian  Advocate,  was  lectur- 
ing at  Chautauqua  to  an  audience  of  at 
least  five  thousand  persons.  He  had  no 
sooner  started  when  some  man  on 
the  outskirts  of  the  audience  shouted, 
**  Louder !  "  The  dodtor  responded  with 
a  little  more  force  in  his  voice ;  but  the 
man  again  shouted,  ** Louder!"  and 
again  the  dodtor  tried  to  speak  so  that 
he  could  be  heard  by  all,  but  was  again 
treated  to  the  demand,  "Louder!" 
The  dodtor  turned  and,  pointing  his 
finger  at  him,  said,  "  If  that  man  will 
use  the  entire  length  of  his  ear  he  will 
have  no  trouble  in  hearing."  Dr.  Buck- 
ley was  not  troubled  again. 


Why  a  flay  is 
like  a  cigar 


Burnett 

The  Bishop' s 
keen  definition  of 
•wit 


Buckley 

His  ears  -were 
long  enough 


2  o      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Bunsen 

The  German 

statesman' s 

ad-vice  to  young 


o 


Blackie 

Professor  Blackie 

gi-ves  and 

receives  a  lesson 

in  personal 

tidiness 


NE  OF  the  most  distinguished  states- 
men and  scholars  of  Germany, 
Baron  Christian  Karl  Josias  Bunsen, 
gave  this  advice  to  some  young  men 
just  going  out  into  the  world:  "In 
clothing,  live  up  to  your  means;  in 
food,  below  your  means ;  and  in  dwelling, 
above  your  means.  Don't  be  a  soldier; 
stand  ered:  before  a  man  with  a  title." 

GENIAL  old  Professor  Blackie  was  a 
very  pid:uresque  figure  in  Edin- 
burgh streets.  He  was  venerable  look- 
ing, with  handsome  features,  and  hair 
falling  in  ringlets  about  his  shoulders. 
One  day  he  was  accosted  by  a  very  dirty 
little  bootblack,  with  his,  "Shine  your 
boots,  sir  ? "  The  professor  was  impressed 
by  the  dirtiness  of  the  boy's  face.  **  I 
don't  want  a  shine,  my  boy,"  he  said, 
"but  if  you'll  go  and  wash  your  face, 
I'll  give  you  sixpence."  "A'  richt,  sir," 
was  the  boy's  reply.  Then  he  went  to 
a  fountain  near  by  and  performed  his 
ablutions.  On  his  return  the  professor 
beamed  upon  him  in  approval.  "  Well, 
my  boy,  you  have  earned  your  sixpence. 
Here  it  is!"  "I  dinna  want  it,"  re- 
turned the  boy  with  a  dignified  air.  "  Ye 
can  keep  it  and  get  your  hair  cut!" 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


THE  Lord  Chancellor  of  England 
had  invited  his  brother  judges  to 
breakfast  at  his  country  residence.  Lord 
Bowen  wished  to  ride  with  Mr.  Justice 
Mathews  and  wrote  this  rhyming  re- 
quest: "My  dear  J.  C.  Will  you  be 
free,  To  carry  me,  Beside  of  thee.  In 
your  buggee,  To  Selborne's  tea.  If  break- 
fast he  Intends  for  we.  On  2  November 
next,  D.  v.?" 

AVERY  Stout  man,  making  a  personal 
application  to  Sir  Francis  Burdett, 
the  father  of  the  Baroness  Burdett- 
Coutts,  seemed  surprised  that  Sir  Francis 
did  not  know  him.  "  Why,  I  was  at  one 
time  a  page  in  your  house,  sir ! "  the 
man  exclaimed.  "  Ah,"  said  the  baronet, 
"but  you  have  become  a  volume  since 
then." 

ISAAC  Butt,  Q^  C,  the  founder  of 
the  Irish  Home  Rule  movement, 
was  a  most  homely  looking  man.  He 
was  rather  sensitive  about  his  plain  fea- 
tures and  therefore  a  remark  made  by 
one  of  the  judges  cut  him  to  the  quick. 
He  was  defending  a  man  charged  with 
Breach  of  Promise  to  Marry,  and  hav- 
ing a  weak  case,  tried  to  show  that  the 
plaintiff  was  better  off  without  such  a 


2    I 


Bowen 

A  quaint 
in-vhation  in 
rhyme 


Burdett 

Much  more  than 
a  page 


Butt 

The  butt  of  his 
oivn  joke 


2   2 


Baxter 


Brooks 

The  Bishop'' s 

plausible  -version 

of  the  ^^Jonah"' 

narratfve 


No  duties 
attached 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


husband.  After  denying  the  promise  and 
painting  his  client  in  anything  but  com- 
plimentary fashion,  he  struck  the  table 
with  his  fist,  and  shouted:  "Why,  my 
lord,  it  is  unnatural  that  the  plaintiff 
should  grieve  over  the  loss  of  my  client ; 
he  is  the  ugliest  man  in  Dublin  this 
day."  "You  forget  yourself.  Brother 
Butt,"  the  judge  interposed.  Poor  Butt 
was  crimson ;  every  one  in  the  court 
laughed,  and  the  plaintiff  won  her  case. 

THE  Rev.  Dr.  Baxter,  the  old 
Puritan  divine,  once  wrote  a  relig- 
ious book  with  the  title.  Hooks  and 
Eyes  for  Believers'  Breeches,  and 
another  bearing  the  quaint  name,  A 
Spiritual  Pepper-box  to  Make  the 
Soul  Sneeze  with  Devotion. 

THE  late  Bishop  Phillips  Brooks 
had  a  version  of  the  **  Jonah  "  nar- 
rative, essentially  his  own.  When  some 
one  was  expressing  wonder  at  the  possi- 
bility of  Jonah  being  swallowed  by  the 
whale,  he  said,  "There  was  no  difficulty 
about  that,  for  Jonah  was  one  of  the 
Minor  Prophets." 

A  clergyman  who  was  going  abroad 
to  study  said  in  jest  that  when  he  came 
back  he  might    bring    a  new  religion 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


3 


with  him.  A  person  who  was  present 
said,  "  You  may  have  some  difficulty  in 
getting  it  through  the  custom-house." 
"No,"  said  Dr.  Brooks,  "we  may  take 
it  for  granted  that  a  new  reUgion  will 
have  no  duties  attached." 

Dr.  Brooks  once  contrasted  the  an- 
cient church  with  the  modern  to  the 
effect  that  then  they  tried  to  save  their 
young  men  from  being  thrown  to  the 
lions;  now  we  are  glad  if  we  can  save 
them  from  going  to  the  dogs. 

SUPREME  Court  Judge  Barrett  is  a 
great  lover  of  literature,  and  has 
won  for  himself  a  place  in  the  Republic 
of  Letters.  In  his  charge  he  frequently 
drops  into  poetry,  and  on  one  occasion 
in  charging  a  jury  in  a  telephone  damage 
case,  he  quoted  very  aptly  the  quatrain : 

The  steed  called  Lightning,  say  the  Fates, 
Is  owned  in  the  United  States. 
'Twas  Franklin's  hand  that  caught  the  horse, 
Whose  harness  came  from  Do6lor  Morse. 

Once  in  closing  court  at  dinner  hour, 
he  said :  "  We  will  adjourn  further  testi- 
mony until  morning,  and  resped:  the 
legal  maxim  in  England,  established  by 
a  poet  —  *  Rogues  must  hang  that  jury- 
men may  dine.' " 


The  lions  -versus 
the  dogs 


Barrett 

yudge  Barrett 
frequently  quotes 
poetry  in  court 


Legal  maxim 
established  by  a 
foet 


24 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

Coming 

Tbt  preacher 

bad 

poor  terminal 

facilities 

Carrol! 

More  stupid 

e-ven  than 

'■'■Alice  in 

JVonderland^' 

Carlyle 

The  Grand  Cross 

no  honor  "to  the 

likes  of  he" 

''  ff^it  is  the  lightning  of  the 
mind — the  cayenne  of  conver- 
sation —  and  the  salt  of  life^ 

ToHN  Corning,  who  was  superintend- 
J    ent  of  the  Central  Pacific  Railroad, 
when  on  a  visit  to  his  brother  Erastus 
in  Albany,  was  taken   to  church,  and 
heard  a  sermon  remarkable  for  its  length. 
"  What  do  you  think  of  our  preacher  ? " 
Erastus  asked,  as  they  left  the  church. 
"  He  is  very  fine,"  answered  the  railroad 
man,  "but  has  poor  terminal  facilities." 

T    Ewis  Carroll,  author  of  Alice  in 
1  J  Wonderland,    told,    with     keen 
relish,  of  a  rebuff  given  him  by  a  little 
girl  who  knew  him  only  as  a  mathema- 
tician.  "  Have  you  ever  read  Through 
A  Looking-glass?"  he  asked,  expect- 
ing the  child  to  give  utterance  to  an 
expression  of  delight.    "  Oh,  dear,  yes," 
she  replied,  languidly.    **  It  is  even  more 
stupid    than  Alice    in  Wonderland, 
don't  you  think  so?" 

1Y  yTANY  amusing  anecdotes  are  told  of 
XV J.  Carlyle  in   connection  with    his 
omnibus  journeys  from  Chelsea  into  the 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


city.  Froude,  the  historian,  tells  how 
one  day  he  was  walking  with  him  when 
he  suddenly,  without  a  word  of  his  in- 
tention, hailed  a  bus.  Carlyle  entered 
the  vehicle  but  Froude  climbed  to  the 
box  seat.  The  coachman  remarked: 
"  Fine  old  gentleman  he  as  got  into  the 
bus!  We  thinks  a  deal  of  him  down 
Chelsea  way."  "  Yes,"  said  Froude, "  and 
the  Queen  thinks  a  great  deal  of  him 
too,  for  she  has  offered  to  make  him  a 
Grand  Cross."  The  coachman  flicked 
a  fly  off  the  near  horse,  and  replied: 
"  Very  proper  of  she  to  think  of  it,  and 
more  proper  of  he  to  have  nothing  to 
do  with  it !  It  isn't  that  as  can  do  honor 
to  the  likes  of  he! " 

During  another  bus  journey  a  passen- 
ger commented  on  the  peculiarity  of 
Carlyle's  hat.  "Old  fellow  got  a  queer 
'at  on,"  the  passenger  observed  to  the 
driver.  "  Queer  'at !  "  repeated  the  driver 
almost  contemptuously.  "  He  may  have 
a  queer  'at,  but  what  would  you  give  for 
the  'ead-piece  inside  of  it?" 

WHILE  making  the  journey  to  Wash- 
ington, just  after  his  nomination 
for  the  presidency,  Henry  Clay  was  trav- 
eling on  the  back  of  the   stage-coach 


Carlyle's 
'^^eer  'at " 


Henry  Clay 
hears  himself 
criticised 


2  6      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Candler 

The  printer  ivas 
right 


muffled  up  in  a  huge  coat.  Two  passen- 
gers entered,  Kentuckians  like  himself. 
Clay  fell  asleep,  and,  when  he  awoke, 
found  them  discussing  his  chances  in  the 
coming  campaign.  **What  did  Henry- 
Clay  go  into  politics  far?'*  asked  one. 
"  He  had  a  good  bit  of  land ;  he  had 
a  keen  eye  for  stock.  If  he  had  stuck 
to  stock-raising  he'd  have  been  worth 
his  fifty  thousand;  but  now  he  doesn't 
own  a  dollar."  Clay  told  the  story  after- 
wards, and  added,  "  The  worst  of  it  was, 
every  word  was  true."  It  was  character- 
istic of  the  man  that  at  the  next  stop- 
ping-place he  hurried  away  and  took 
another  coach  lest  his  critics  should  rec- 
ognize him  and  be  mortified  at  the 
unintentional  rudeness  of  their  remarks. 

BISHOP  W.  A.  Candler,  at  a  Metho- 
dist Conference  at  Washington,  said 
that  some  years  previously  he  sent  an 
article  to  a  paper,  containing  the  sent- 
ence, "We  pray  too  loud  and  work  too 
little."  When  the  article  appeared  in 
proof  it  read,  "We  bray  too  loud  and 
work  too  little."  The  Bishop  said,  "I 
let  it  go  at  that ;  the  fad:  is,  I  believe  the 
printer  was  right,  and  I  did  not  attempt 
to  correct  it." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


7 


WHEN  Sir  Colin  Campbell  was  an 
officer  in  the  English  army  sta- 
tioned in  India,  he  was  asked,  officially, 
why  there  was  so  much  grumbling  about 
the  climate.  Scotchman  though  he  was 
he  perpetrated  a  ^*  bull,"  which  can  be 
found  on  the  records  of  the  English 
War  Department.  He  wrote  in  his  of- 
ficial report :  "  A  lot  of  young  fellows 
come  out  here,  and  they  drink,  and  eat, 
and  die,  and  then  write  home  and  tell 
their  friends  the  climate  killed  them." 

SENATOR  Coke,  of  Texas,  was  once 
opposed  by  a  man  named  Cole,  who, 
being  a  most  eloquent  man,  was  getting 
the  better  of  him.  The  Coke  party  held 
a  mass-meeting,  but  at  the  last  moment 
it  was  discovered  that  no  speaking  talent 
was  present.  A  rough  fellow,  who  had 
been  a  coal-miner  in  West  Virginia, 
pushed  forward  to  the  platform  and  vol- 
unteered to  speak.  After  some  hesitation 
the  committee  consented,  and  the  man 
mounted  the  platform.  **  Feller  citizens," 
he  commenced,  "  I'm  here  to  talk  to  you 
about  Coke  and  Cole!  You  know  me, 
and  you  know  I  know  what  I'm  talking 
about,  and  I  want  to  ask  you  if  you 
know  the  difference  between  Coke  and 


Campbell 

The  trouble  ivitb 
the  climate 


Coke 

The  difference 
betiueen  Coke 
and  Cole 


2   8 


Cruikshank 

The  famous  cari- 
caturist nearly 
loses  his 
"  iloomin' 
'  ead ' ' 


Chevalier 

Thomas  had 

forgotten  the 

hoard 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Cole.  But  it  ain't  necessary;  every  man 
of  you  knows  that  the  difference  be- 
tween them  is  the  gas  that  is  in  the 
Cole!" 

THE  FAMOUS  caricaturist,  George 
Cruikshank,  was  a  most  zealous 
abstainer  from  intoxicants.  He  never 
missed  an  opportunity  of  expounding 
his  views.  One  day  he  was  crossing 
Waterloo  Bridge,  in  London,  when  he 
seized  a  man  who  was  trying  to  pick  his 
pocket.  Cruikshank  held  the  man  in  an 
iron  grip  while  a  policeman  approached, 
and  improved  his  opportunity  by  saying : 
**  I  feel  sure  that  you  have  been  de- 
moralized and  ruined  by  love  of  drink. 
I,  on  the  other  hand,  have  not  touched 
a  drop  of  intoxicating  liquor  for  the  last 
twenty  years."  "  What !  "  exclaimed  the 
prisoner,  "  I've  let  myself  be  took  by  a 
teetot'ler!  W'y  if  I'd  known  you  was 
a  water  drinker,  I'd  'ave  knocked  your 
bloomin'   'ead  hofF." 

ALBERT  Chevalier,  the  singer  of 
Coster  ballads,  says :  "  I  once  played 
a  short  season  in  Glasgow  with  H.  Cecil 
Beryl,  who  produced  a  round  of  pieces. 
In  one  old-fashioned  melodrama,  Bran- 
don Thomas,  as  a  smuggler,  had  to  fight 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


with,  and  receive  a  drubbing  from, 
Macintosh,  who  impersonated  the  virtu- 
ous hero.  At  rehearsal  it  was  arranged 
that  Thomas  should  wear,  under  his 
coat,  a  small  wooden  board  to  protedt 
his  back.  At  night  Macintosh  came  on 
as  arranged,  armed  with  a  thick  heavy 
stick.  He  made  one  wild  swoop  and 
hit  Thomas,  who  dropped  at  the  first 
blow  and  declined  to  continue  the 
struggle.    He  had  forgotten  the  board." 

GENERAL  Chaffee  is  noted  for  his 
utter  disregard  of  what  his  men 
call "  frills."  His  dress  in  the  field  difi'ers 
but  slightly  from  that  of  the  private, 
and  oftener  than  not  he  wears  no  insignia 
of  his  rank.  At  Siboney,  in  Cuba,  he 
passed  a  young  lieutenant  of  a  Michigan 
regiment  without  saluting.  This  infrac- 
tion of  military  regulations  on  the  part 
of  what  appeared  to  be  a  private  soldier 
highly  incensed  the  lieutenant.  A  sharp 
command — "Halt !  "  awakened  the  gen- 
eral, and,  entering  into  the  humor  of 
the  thing,  he  halted  and  faced  about. 
"Are  you  in  the  army?"  asked  the  lieu- 
tenant. "  Yes,  sir."  "  Regulars  or  Volun- 
teers?'* "Regulars,"  answered  Chaffee. 
"Haven't  you  been  in  the  army  long 


Chaffee 

The  General  is 
disciplined  by  a 
young  lieutenant 
of  Volunteers 


o 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


And  learns 

something  of 

army  regulations 


enough  to  know  that  it  is  customary  to 
salute  when  you  meet  an  officer  in  uni- 
form?" "I  know  that,  sir;  but  down 
here  we've  kind  of  overlooked  salutes 
and  ceremonies."  "  Well,  I  have  n't,  and 
I  want  you  to  understand  it.  Now,  *At- 
tention  ! '"  The  general  stood  at  "  atten- 
tion." "  Salute !  "  The  salute  was  given. 
**  How  long  have  you  been  in  the 
service?"  "About  thirty-five  years," 
General  Chaffee  replied.  **  Well,  you've 
learned  something  of  army  regulations 
and  customs  this  morning.  Remember 
who  gave  you  the  lesson.  I  am  Lieuten- 
ant   of  the  — th  Michigan  Regi- 
ment. Now,  what's  your  name  and 
regiment?"  General  Chaffee,  highly 
amused,  stood  ered:,  saluted  again,  and 
said,  "  General  Chaffee,  sir,  command- 
ing the  — th  Division."  The  lieutenant 
was  thunderstruck,  and  for  a  moment 
was  too  dazed  to  utter  a  word  of  apology. 
When  he  was  able  to  speak  he  began  to 
excuse  himself;  the  general  stopped 
him.  "That's  all  right,  my  boy.  You 
were  in  the  right.  Of  course  you  did 
not  know  me,  and  an  enlisted  man 
should  always  salute  an  officer,  even  if 
we   do  overlook   it   at   times.     Alwavs 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


stick  as  close  to  the  regulations  as  that 
and  you'll  make  a  good  officer." 

When  ChafFee  was  only  a  captain  in 
1878,  he  was  stationed  in  Arizona,  and 
passed  a  winter  in  the  field.  The  weather 
was  very  bad,  and  the  captain  ordered 
his  personal  attendant,  an  Irish  veteran 
known  as  Muldoon,  to  bring  him  some 
dry  wood.  The  Irishman  replied, "  Cap- 
tain, there  don't  be  any."  ChafFee  was 
imperative,  and  Muldoon  went  forth  in 
the  mud  on  a  hopeless  quest.  He  did 
not  return,  and  was  regarded  as  a  deser- 
ter. Two  years  later  ChafFee,  having 
become  major,  was  in  command  of 
Fort  McDowell,  on  the  Lower  Verde, 
a  hundred  miles  south  of  the  point 
where  Muldoon  had  disappeared.  The 
major  was  sitting  on  the  veranda  smok- 
ing a  cigar  when  a  figure  came  stagger- 
ing along  with  an  immense  armful  of 
mesquit,  and  in  the  richest  of  brogues 
exclaimed,  **  Captain,  I've  brought  ye 
th'  dhry  wood  !  " 

THE  GREAT  French  singer,  Capoul, 
tells  a  story  somewhat  against  him- 
self. At  the  very  height  of  his  fame 
it  was  the  fashion  to  wear  the  hair  a 
la  Capoul.    One   day  he   rushed  into  a 


3 


Muldoon  brings 
in  the  dry  "wood 


Capoul 

His  singula 
misfortune 


3 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Choate, 
Joseph 

yosepb  Choate 

drops  his  "h" 

in  England 


He  -visits 
Canon  Scott 


hair-dresser's,  just  a  few  minutes  before  a 
big  concert  at  which  he  was  "billed" 
to  appear.  After  the  barber  had  shaved 
him  and  cut  his  hair,  he  asked,  "  What 
coiffure  does  monsieur  desire  ? "  "  Well," 
said  Capoul,  blushing,  "the  coiffure  a  la 
Capoulj  as  that  is  the  fashion."  The 
hair-dresser  turned  and  re-turned  the 
singer's  head,  and,  after  a  long  examina- 
tion, exclaimed,  "^  la  Capoul?  A  la 
Capoul?  Ah,  monsieur,  it  is  not  possi- 
ble!  You  haven't  the  head  for  that!" 

ON  HIS  arrival  in  England  Mr. 
Choate,  the  United  States  Ambas- 
sador, was  at  once  tackled  by  an  inter- 
viewer. "Mr.  Joseph  H.  Choate,  I 
believe?"  said  the  interviewer.  "No, 
sir;  Mr.  Joseph  Choate,"  the  Ambassa- 
dor replied.  "In  England  I  drop  my  *h'." 
During  his  residence  in  England  Mr. 
Choate  was  at  one  time  the  guest  of 
Canon  Scott,  the  red:or  of  Lavenham, 
which  boasts  one  of  the  finest  and  oldest 
parish  churches  in  England.  While  go- 
ing over  the  church  Mr.  Choate  was 
much  struck  with  its  beauty  and  an- 
tiquity and  kept  asking  his  host  the  age 
of  this,  that  and  the  other  thing.  "  That 
screen    must    be    very    ancient?"   Mr. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


3  3 


Choate  queried.  "Why,  yes,  it  is  cen- 
turies old!"  "And  this  paneling  on  the 
door?"  "Oh,  that  is  quite  modern," 
replied  Canon  Scott,  with  a  merry 
twinkle  in  his  eye ;  "  it  was  only  put  up 
a  few  years  before  the  discovery  of 
America,  you  know." 

Joseph  Choate's  self-possession  is  sel- 
dom disturbed.  Once,  however,  he  was 
disconcerted.  It  was  during  the  trial  of 
a  well-known  will  case.  Mr.  Felix 
McClusky,  formerly  doorkeeper  of  the 
House  of  Representatives,  was  on  the 
stand. 

"Now,  Mr.  McClusky,"  insinuat- 
ingly asked  the  great  lawyer,  "isn't  it 
true  that  you  are  the  modern  Mun- 
chausen?" 

"You're  the  second  blackguard  that 
has  asked  me  that  within  a  week," 
roared  McClusky,  "and " 

He  got  no  further;  a  roar  of  laugh- 
ter at  Choate's  expense  drowned  the 
rest  of  the  retort. 

RUFUs  Choate  once  made  a  strange 
"break"  in  complimenting  Chief 
Justice  Shaw.  "  When  I  look  upon  the 
venerable  Chief  Justice  Shaw,"  he  said, 
"I  am  like  a  Hindoo  before  his  idol  — 


McClusky  turns 
the  laugh  on 
Choate 


Choate, 
Rufus 

A  left-handed 
compliment  for 
the  Chief 
Juitice 


3  4 


Nothing  left  hut 
the  by-laivs 


Casey 

And  Mr.  Casey 
got  the  position 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 

I  know  that  he  is  ugly,  but  I  feel  he  is 
good  and  great." 

By  overwork  Mr.  Choate  had  shat- 
tered his  health.  Edward  Everett  ex- 
postulated with  him  on  one  occasion, 
saying :  "  My  dear  friend,  if  you  are  not 
more  self-considerate  you  will  ruin  your 
constitution."  "Oh,"  replied  Choate, 
"the  constitution  was  destroyed  long 
ago.    I  am  now  living  on  the  by-laws." 

THOUGH  it  has  often  been  asserted 
that  politics  do  not  count  for  much 
in  public  appointments  in  Great  Britain, 
yet  the  reverse  is  the  truth.  The  Prime 
Minister  at  one  time  wanted  to  give 
a  Mr.  Thomas  Casey  an  appointment 
which  was  supposed  to  be  filled  by  a 
lawyer.  Now  Casey  was  not  a  lawyer, 
but  by  a  little  wire-pulling  the  Prime 
Minister  got  one  of  the  benchers  ap- 
pointed as  a  special  examiner  to  examine 
him  as  to  his  knowledge  of  the  law. 
"Now,  Mr.  Casey,"  said  the  bencher, 
"what  do  you  know  about  law?"  "To 
tell  the  truth,  sir,  I  do  not  know  a  single 
thing."  The  examiner  reported  that  he 
had  duly  examined  Mr.  Casey  "as  to 
his  knowledge  of  the  law,  and  to  the 
best  of  my  information  and  belief  he 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


has  answered  the  questions  put  to  him 
correctly."    Mr.  Casey  got  the  position. 

THERE  is  a  celebrated  reply  of  Mr. 
Curran  to  a  remark  of  Lord  Clare, 
who  curtly  exclaimed  at  one  of  his  legal 
positions,  "Oh,  if  that  be  law,  Mr. 
Curran,  I  may  burn  my  law  books!" 
"  Better  read  them,  my  lord,"  was  the 
sarcastic  and  appropriate  rejoinder. 

When  Curran  was  in  his  last  illness, 
the  doctor  remarked  that  he  seemed  to 
cough  with  great  difficulty.  "That  is 
strange,"  said  the  wit,  "for  I  have  been 
practicing  all  night." 

A  GENERATION  ago  there  was  a  very 
distinguished  serjeant-at-law,  bear- 
ing the  name  of  Channell,  who,  for 
some  reason,  was  always  at  fault  with 
his  h's.  He  was  a  brilliant  scholar, 
spoke  most  excellent  English  save  for 
that  one  difficulty.  One  day  in  the 
Admiralty  Court,  London,  before  Mr. 
Justice  Cresswell,  a  case  was  being 
tried,  and  Serjeant  Channell  was  on  one 
side  and  Sir  Frederic  Thesiger  on  the 
other.  Every  time  the  former  men- 
tioned the  vessel  he  called  it  the  Ellen; 
every  time  Thesiger  mentioned  her  he 
called  her  the  Helen.    At  last  the  judge. 


3  5 


Curran 

Mr.  Currants 
celebrated  reply 
to  Lord  Clare 


His  last  joke 


Channell 

Sir  Frederic 
Thesiger 
enlightens  the 
court 


1 

36 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

1 

Lost  in  tbe  chops 
of  the  Cbannell 

with  quaint  gravity,  said :  "  Stop !  What 
was  the  name  of  the  ship  ?  I  have  it  on 
my    notes    the    Ellefi    and    the    Helen, 
Which  is  it?"    The  members  of   the 
bar    grinned,    the    judge    looked    very 
grave.    "Oh,   my  lud,"   said   Thesiger, 
in  his  blandest  and  most  fastidious  man- 
ner, "  the  ship  was  christened  the  Helen, 
but  she  lost  her  *  h '  in  the  chops  of  the 
Channell." 

1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

3  7 

1 

U^it  is  brushwood^  judgment 
is  timber,    7  he  first  makes  the 
brightest  flame ^  but  the  other 
gives  the  most  lasting  heat. 

Davidson 

The  Bishop 
prefers  a  hit 
betiueen  his  teeth 

Dowse 

A  ivitty 
distinliion 

And  a  most 
absurd  "  huW'' 

1  Xr.  Randall  Davidson,  Bishop  of 
1  /  Winchester,    is    a    wit.    After    an 
ecclesiastical    gathering,   as    the   clergy 
were  going  in  to  luncheon,  one  of  the 
"unca  guid"  observed,  "Now  to  put  a 
bridle  on  our  appetites!"  The  bishop 
retorted,  "Now  to  put  a  bit  between 
my  teeth ! " 

TT /"hen  Judge  Dowse,  the  witty  and 
VV    accomplished    Irish    baron,   was 
practicing   at   the   bar,  a   judge   asked, 
"For  whom  are  you  concerned  in  this 
case,  Mr.  Dowse?"   "I  am  concerned, 
my  lord,  for  the   plaintiff;     but   I   am 
engaged  for  the    defendant,"    was    his 
reply. 

It  was  Dowse  who  was  guilty  of  a 
most  absurd  "bull,"  during  a  debate  in 
Parliament,  on  the  high  rate  of  mortal- 
ity in  some  distrid:s  of  Ireland.    "I  do 
not  know  the  cause,"  said  the  member, 
"but  it  is  a  fadt  that  many  people  are 

1 

38 


Dumas 

The  elder 

Dumas'  famous 

rejoinder  to 

Cremitux 


A  clever 
repartee 


Dumas  orders 
bis  dinner  by 
pencil  sketches 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


dying  this  year  who  have  never  died  be- 
fore." 

MoscHELES,  the  portrait  painter, 
tells  this  anecdote  of  the  elder 
Dumas,  in  his  Fragments  of  an  Auto- 
biography :  Cremieux,  notoriously  the 
plainest  man  in  France,  thought  to 
turn  a  laugh  against  Dumas  with  whom 
he  was  dining  in  a  public  restaurant,  by 
asking  him,  "Was  your  father  a  mu- 
latto?" "Yes,"  answered  Dumas,  "my 
father  was  a  mulatto,  my  grandfather  a 
negro,  and  my  great-great-grandfather  a 
monkey ;  my  family  began  where  yours 
ends." 

A  playwright  once  offered  to  collabo- 
rate with  Dumas  in  writing  a  play.  "  It 
is  not  usual,"  replied  the  novelist,  "to 
yoke  a  horse  and  an  ass  together." 
'■^  Conwient  done!''  retorted  the  other. 
"  How  dare  you,  sir,  insinuate  that  I  am 
a  horse?" 

Dumas  could  not  speak  a  word  of 
German  and  would  not  try  to  learn  the 
language.  Once  he  was  in  a  village 
where  all  the  people  spoke  German. 
Dumas  entered  an  inn  and  tried,  by 
elaborate  pantomime,  to  explain  to  the 
landlord   that    he   wanted    a   lunch    of 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 

beefsteak  and  mushrooms.  In  vain  were 
all  his  gestures,  and  driven  to  despera- 
tion, Dumas  took  out  his  pencil  and 
drew  a  representation  of  a  mushroom. 
The  landlord  smiled  and  went  away. 
"Ah,"  exclaimed  Dumas,  also  smiling, 
"  what  it  is  to  be  fertile  of  resource !  I 
shall  enjoy  my  mushrooms  all  the  better 
after  this."  The  landlord  returned  and 
Dumas  smiled  until  the  landlord  handed 
him  —  an  umbrella! 

Dumas  was  scarcely  courteous  when 
speaking  of  woman.    He  once  wrote: 

"The  Bible  says  that  woman  is  the 
last  thing  which  God  made.  He  must 
have  made  it  on  Saturday  night.  It 
shows  fatigue." 

DISRAELI,  while  Prime  Minister  of 
England,  was  the  least  communi- 
cative of  men.  On  one  occasion,  the 
Duchess  of  Teck  says  she  was  dining 
with  him,  and  the  court  was  very  de- 
sirous of  finding  out  the  minister's 
reason  for  inaction  during  a  crisis  in 
foreign  affairs.  "  What  are  you  waiting 
for,  Mr.  Disraeli?"  she  asked,  thinking 
that  he  would  unburden  himself  to  a 
princess.  The  prime  minister  paused 
long  enough  to  look  at  his  772enu  card, 


3  9 


And  is  handed 
an  umbrella 


Disraeli 

The  Duchess  of 
Ted  dines  "with 
the  Prime 
Minister 


o 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Disraeli  sets  a 

trap  for 

Gladstone  -who 

neatly  steps 

into  it 


Dunning 

Lord  ^shburton 

tells  one  on 

himself 


and  then  replied, "  Mutton  and  potatoes, 
your  Highness! " 

Disraeli  once  trapped  his  great  politi- 
cal antagonist.  Gladstone  had  made  a 
most  impassioned  appeal  in  favor  of 
the  union  of  Wallachia  and  Moldavia. 
Disraeli  pointed  out  that  the  result 
would  be  to  destroy  the  independence 
of  those  people,  and  the  only  thing  left 
would  be  the  remorse  "  which  would  be 
painted  with  admirable  eloquence  by  the 
rhetorician  of  the  day."  In  reply,  Glad- 
stone said  that  he  would  not  be  guilty 
of  the  afFed:ed  modesty  of  pretending 
to  be  ignorant  that  the  designation,  "  the 
rhetorician  of  the  day,"  was  intended  for 
himself.  "  I  beg  your  pardon !  I  really 
did  not  mean  that ! "  Disraeli  inter- 
rupted. Words  could  not  convey  the 
expression  of  amazement  and  indigna- 
tion on  Gladstone's  face,  while  his  op- 
ponent's satisfied  smile,  as  he  sat  down, 
told  of  his  enjoyment. 

MR.  Dunning,  afterwards  Lord  Ash- 
burton,  told  a  story  against  him- 
self. He  says  he  was  once  cross-examin- 
ing a  witness  who  had  the  reputation 
of  frequently  changing  his  residence  in 
order    to    evade    his    creditors.     "And 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      41 


why,"  he  asked,  "did  you  leave  your 
last  place  of  abode?"  "Only  to  avoid 
the  rascally  impertinence  of  dunning^' 
was  the  ready  and  witty  reply. 

DR.  Con  AN  Doyle  is  the  hero  of  a 
story  in  a  small  Irish  town.  The 
town  possesses  a  convent  ruled  over  by 
a  Mother  Superior,  whose  eyes  have  long 
since  failed  her.  Going  into  the  local 
bookseller's  store  she  picked  up  a  book 
which  she  thought  was  written  by  Canon 
Doyle,  a  dignitary  of  renown  in  that 
distrid:.  She  bought  it,  and  had  it  read 
aloud  for  the  edification  of  the  novices 
during  the  midday  meal.  The  edifica- 
tion in  the  first  chapter  seemed  far 
to  seek  from  a  conventual  standpoint. 
Never  had  love-making  been  so  freely 
alluded  to  within  those  walls.  The 
novices  were  thrilled.  "  Well,  well,  the 
dear  canon  is  preparing  us  for  a  miracle 
of  grace,"  said  the  Mother  Superior. 
"The  frivolous  flirt,  by  the  mercy  of 
Heaven,  no  doubt  ends  by  taking  the 
veil."  Then  came  the  awakening.  Some 
one  eagerly  peering  into  the  volume 
perceived  that  the  title  page  bore  the 
word  "Conan"  instead  of  "Canon." 
The  discovery  reached  the  ears  of  the 


Doyle 

The  novices  did 
not  objeB  to 
Conan  Doyle 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Day 

The  Day  of  the 


Dorsey 

Boiling  the 
fatted  calf 


Mother  Superior.  "Very  well,"  she 
said,  "the  bookseller  where  we  bought 
the  book  is  a  pious  Catholic,  and  now 
that  we  have  paid  for  it,  we  should  be 
wasteful  not  to  read  it  to  the  end." 
The  novices  did  not  objed:,  but  after 
that  books  read  at  the  midday  meal 
were  more  closely  examined. 

AN  Irish  clergyman  named  Day  lost 
a  pet  dog,  and  advertised  for  it, 
adding  to  the  advertisement  the  sentence: 
"As  every  dog  has  his  day,  every  Day 
ought  to  have  his  dog." 

A  FEW  years  ago  there  lived  an  ec- 
centric benefadtor  in  Rhode  Island 
bearing  the  name  of  Dorsey.  At  one 
time  Mr.  Dorsey  offered  the  warden  of 
a  prison  two  hundred  dollars,  on  condi- 
tion that  he  would  give  the  prisoners  a 
roast  turkey  dinner.  The  offer  was  ac- 
cepted, but  Mr.  Dorsey  afterwards  found 
that  the  turkeys  had  been  boiled,  upon 
which  he  sued  the  warden  for  breach  of 
contract,  and  recovered  the  two  hundred 
dollars.  In  relating  this  episode,  he  re- 
marked :  "  If  the  old  gentleman,  on  the 
return  of  the  prodigal  son,  had  said, 
*  Boys,  now  roast  the  fatted  calf  for  the 
feast  of  welcome,'  how  would  he  have 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


4  3 


felt  if,  on  going  into   the  kitchen,  he 
had  found  them  boiling  the  calf! " 

A  DEALER  in  musical  instruments  once 
offered  a  flute  to  Charles  Dickens, 
which  he  averred  had  belonged  to  Lord 
Byron,  and  was  therefore  esteemed 
valuable  as  a  memento  of  the  great  poet. 
Dickens  wrote  in  reply  to  the  offer: 

"  Mr.  Charles  Dickens  is  much 
obliged  to  Mr.  Claridge  for  the  offer  of 
Lord  Byron's  flute.  But,  as  Mr.  Dickens 
cannot  play  that  instrument  himself,  and 
has  nobody  in  the  house  who  can,  he 
begs  to  decline  the  purchase,  with  thanks. 
Devonshire  Terrace,  Twentieth  June, 
1848." 

The  late  Sir  John  Bennett,  the  eccen- 
tric and  witty  clockmaker  of  Cheapside 
in  London,  had  a  letter  written  by 
Charles  Dickens  framed  and  hanging 
on  the  wall  of  his  private  office.  It  read 
as  follows: 

**  My  dear  Sir :  Since  my  hall  clock 
was  sent  to  your  establishment  to  be 
cleaned  it  has  gone  ( as  indeed  it  always 
has )  perfe6tly,  but  has  struck  with  great 
relud:ance,  and  after  enduring  internal 
agonies  of  a  most  distressing  nature  it 
has    now    ceased     striking     altogether. 


Dickens 

He  tv  rites  a 
humorous  Utter 
declining  the 
offer  of  Lord 
Byron  s  jiute 


And  another  to 
an  eccentric 
clock-maker 


44 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

1 

Depew 

If  the  Senator 

should  ever  get 

locija-w 

Dartmouth 

Enter  the  Ladies 
Legge 

Though  a  happy  release  for  the  clock, 
this  is  not  convenient  for  the  household. 
If  you  can  send  down  any  confidential 
person  with  whom  the  clock  can  confer, 
I  think  it  may  have  something  on  its 
works  that  it  would  be  glad  to  make  a 
clean  breast  of.    Faithfully  yours,  Charles 
Dickens.    Higham  by  Rochester,  Kent, 
Monday  night,  Sept.  14,  1863." 

^ENATOR  Chauncey  Depew  delights 
0  in  telling  a  good  story  even  when  it 
is  against  himself.    Recently  he  was  at 
a  dinner,  no  unusual  thing  for  him,  and 
was  called  upon  to  make  one  of  those 
post-prandial  speeches  for  which  he  is 
so  famous.    He  responded  to  the  call  and 
spoke  very  earnestly  for  several  minutes 
and  then  paused,  longer  than  usual.    A 
friend,  pulling  himself  up  in  his  chair 
and  looking  very  impressive,  said :  "Sen- 
ator, you  might   have  pneumonia  and 
recover,  you  might  have  small-pox  and 
recover,  but    if   ever   you   get    lockjaw 
you'll  burst." 

f  1  ^HE   FAMILY  name  of  the   Earl  of 
J.     Dartmouth  is  Legge.  One  evening 
at  Stafford  House,  the  seat  of  the  Duke 
of  Sutherland,  it  fell  to    the  lot  of  a 
somewhat  deaf  functionary  to  announce 

1 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


4  5 


the  Countess  of  Dartmouth  and  her 
daughters  —  the  Ladies  Legge.  "Lady- 
Dartmouth,"  called  the  man,  who  had 
caught  only  half  the  sentence.  "And 
the  Ladies  Legge,"  repeated  her  lady- 
ship. "And  the  lady's  legs,"  echoed  the 
servant. 

A  WITNESS  who  was  very  prolix,  tiring 
the  patience  of  the  bench,  counsel 
and  jury,  was  suddenly  asked  by  Judge 
Joseph  F.  Daly,  "What  is  your  busi- 
ness?" The  witness  answered,  "I  lead 
the  orchestra  at  a  music  hall."  "  I 
thought,"  responded  the  judge,  with  a 
weary  look  at  the  clock,  "  that  you  were 
an  expert  at  beating  time." 


Daly 

A  prolix 
•wit  nest 


46 

IX  LIGHTER  VEIN 

Erie 

Unexpressed 
Profanity 

Evart 

The  donkey 
missed  him 

A  hint  to 
farmers 

W^hen  Aristippus  was  retiring 
from  the  court  of  Dionysius 
he  met  Diogenes^  and  said: 
''If  you  knew  how  to  manage 
kings  you  need  not  live   on 
herbsy    Replied  Diogenes: 
"If  you  could  live  on  herbs ^ 
you  need  not  follow  kings.' 

"QiR,"  said  old  Sir  William  Erie  to 
O  a    man  who    had    offended    him, 
"  you  don't  know  the  strength  of  the  ex- 
pressions I  am  not  using." 

TT  Then  the  late  Senator  Evarts  was  at 
VV    Washington  his  family  spent  the 
greater  portion  of  the  year  on  his  farm 
in  Vermont.    One    day   he   received   a 
letter  from  his  youngest  daughter,  which 
so  amused  him  that  he  handed  it  round 
among  his  colleagues  and  thus  it  became 
public  property.    "Dear  papa,"  it  said, 
"do  come  home;    my  donkey  is  very 
lonesome  without  you." 

"  Does  your  farm  fad  pay  ?"  a  brother 
senator  asked  him.  *'  Yes,"  was  the  reply. 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      4  7 


**  it  pays  handsomely.  I  credit  the  farm 
with  everything  taken  from  it,  but 
charge  nothing  for  what  I  put  on  it." 
The  senator  was  much  given  to  ex- 
ceedingly long  and  involved,  though 
perfectly  lucid,  sentences.  This  habit 
w^as  the  subject  of  more  or  less  jocular 
criticism  on  the  part  of  the  press. 
Some  one  commented  on  the  fad:  one 
day  to  Evarts.  His  eyes  twinkled  as  he 
replied,  **Yes,  I  know.  There  are  two 
classes  of  people  who  are  very  much 
opposed  to  long  sentences  —  telegraph 
operators  and  criminals." 

GEORGE  Eliot  w^as  always  very 
solicitous  about  her  manuscripts, 
and  was  afraid  that  they  would  get  lost. 
Her  publisher  was  to  return  the  manu- 
script of  Daniel  Deronda  and  she 
begged  of  him  not  to  send  it  by  mail, 
for  **it  might  get  lost."  Mr.  Black- 
wood sympathized  with  her  and  said 
that  he  would  send  his  own  footman 
over  with  it  the  next  dav.  **  Oh,  don't !  " 
the  author  said  quickly ;  '*  he  might  stop 
at  a  public  house  and  forget  it."  The 
publisher  explained  that  the  footman 
was  a  total  abstainer  and  of  a  very  high 
character,  but  that  did  not  reassure  her 


T1U0  classes  of 
people  opposed  to 
long  sentences 


Eliot 

''Daniel 
Deronda  ' '  ivat 
safely  deli-vered 


48 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Earle 

A  luit  of  the 

reign  of  Siueen 

Anne 


Elizabeth 

Slueen  Ben 
exchanges  greet- 
ings nvitb  the 
men  of  Coventry 


at  all.  **  If  he  is  the  sort  of  careful, 
chivalrous  man  you  describe,"  she  said, 
"  he  is  just  the  kind  that  would  stop  and 
help  at  a  iire !  "  This  was  a  contingency- 
Mr.  Blackwood  had  not  thought  of, 
and  he  promised  that  some  member  of 
his  family  should  personally  deliver  the 
manuscript  to  her.  On  the  following 
day  Mrs.  Blackwood  took  the  precious 
parcel  herself  to  the  eccentric  lady. 

MALCOLM  Earle,  a  wit  of  the  reign 
of  Queen  Anne,  was  very  bitter 
and  sarcastic  when  writing  about  woman. 
He  is  the  author  of  the  couplet: 

"  'Twixt  women  and  wine,  man's  lot 
is  to  smart; 
'Tis  wine  makes  his  head  ache,  and 
women  his  heart." 

He  toasted  "Woman"  in  these  words: 
"  To  the  Ladies,  who  are  like  watches, 
pretty  enough  to  look  at,  sweet  faces 
and  delicate  hands,  but  somewhat  diffi- 
cult to  regulate  when  once  set  a-going." 

"•^ooD   Queen    Bess,"    as   some   his- 

VJ  torians  call  Queen  Elizabeth  of 

England,    was    sarcastic,    satirical    and 

witty  in  her  dealings  with  courtiers. 

When  she  passed  through  the  historic 


1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

49 

1 

town  of  Coventry  on  her  way  to  Kenil- 
worth    Castle,   the  mayor  and    council 
asked  permission  to  present  an  address 
of  welcome.     The    desired    permission 
was  granted,  and   the   mayor  knowing 
that  the  queen  had  constituted  herself 
a    patroness    of  literature,   resolved    to 
make    the    address    poetic,  and    this    is 
what  he  read: 

"We  men  of  Coventree 
Are  very  pleased  to  see 
Your  gracious  Majestee. 
Good  Lord!  how  fine  ye  bee!" 

The    queen    smiled,   then    frowned, 
and  immediately  replied: 

"  My  gracious  Majestee 
Is  very  wroth  to  see 
Ye  men  of  Coventree. 
Good  Lord !  what  fools  ye  bee ! " 

The  Greeting 

The  retort 
courteous 

1 

1 

5  o 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

1 

Franklin 

Franklin  s  •wit, 

patriotism  and 

piety  sa-veJ  the 

occasion 

Faussett 

An  unknoivn 
punster 

Laughter  is  the  daylight  of 
the  soul  J  a  smile  is  its  twilight. 

/'^N  ONE  occasion  long  after  Washing- 
V^  ton's  name  had  become  familiar  to 
all    Europe,   Benjamin    Franklin    dined 
with  the  English  and  French  ambassa- 
dors, when  several  famous  toasts  were 
drunk.     The    British    ambassador   pro- 
posed:    "England  —  the     sun     whose 
brightest  beams  enlighten  and  frudlify 
the    remotest    corners    of  the    earth!" 
Not  to  be  outdone,  the  French  ambas- 
sador gave  as  his  toast:   "France  —  the 
moon  whose  mild,  steady  and  cheering 
rays  are  the  delight  of  all  nations,  con- 
soling  them   in   darkness   and    making 
their  dreariness  beautiful !  "   Each  won- 
dered what  Franklin  could  propose,  but 
he  was  ready  for  the  occasion,  and  gave : 
"  George  Washington  —  the  Joshua  who 
commanded  the  sun  and  moon  to  stand 
still,  and  they  obeyed  him ! " 

A   N  ALMOST  unknown  punster,  Faus- 
£\.  sett,    is   yet  unrivaled.     His  puns, 
though    published    anonymously,    have 
been  quoted  all  over  the  world.    He  was 
a  Cambridge  graduate  of  the  same  class 

1 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


as  J.  K.  Stephen.  During  the  Franco- 
German  war  it  was  from  his  pen  that 
the  quatrain,  so  oft  quoted,  came: 

"  By  Grace  divine,  my  dear  Augusta, 
We've  given  the  French  an  awful 

duster; 
Ten  thousand  Frenchmen  sent 

below, — 
Praise  God  from  whom  all  blessings 

now. 

When  King  Coffee  Calcalli  fled 
from  his  burning  capital,  during  the 
Ashanti  war,  Faussett  wrote  for  Punch 
this  quatrain: 

"  Coomassie's  town  is  burnt  to  dust. 
The  King,  escaped  is  he : 
So  Ash-and-Coffee  now  remain 
Of  what  was  Ash-an-tee." 


Hii  celebrated 
quatrains  on 
King  Coffee 
Calcalli 


1 

5  2 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIS 

1 

Gr  OS  smith 

English  as  she 
is  spoke 

Greeley 

Horace  Greeley 
discusses 

'woman'' s  rights 
ivith  an  able 
representative 

Crime,  the  sin 

neivs  of 

journalism 

The  real  light  of  the  world 
comes  from  two  sources:  the 
sun  and  the  student'^ s  lamp. 

\   New  York  man  was  once  chaffing 
±\.  George  Grossmith  about  the  pro- 
nunciation of  certain  words.  Grossmith, 
very  much  amused,  retorted :   "  It's  our 
language,  you   know.    We   invented   it 
before  you  were  discovered."   The  New 
Yorker  was  not  a  bit  abashed,  but  paused 
a  moment,  and  then  said:   "That's  so. 
Well,  I  think  it's  about  time  you  learned 
to  speak  it." 

T  ToRACE  Greeley,  having  discussed 
JLX  the    question    of  woman's    rights 
with  an  able  representative  of  the  idea, 
wound  up  with  the  contention  that  in 
times  of  war  women  were  quite  useless. 
"What  would  you  do,"  he  asked,  "in 
the  event  of  civil  war  ? "  "  Just  what  you 
do,   Mr.   Greeley;    I  should  sit  in  my 
office   and  write   articles   urging   other 
people  to  go  and  fight." 

"Why    do     you    publish     so    many 
records  of  crime  in  The  Tribune  V  the 
great  editor  was  once  asked.    Though 
not  given  to  witty  replies,  he  answered 

1 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


5  3 


with  a  chuckle :   **  Because  they  are  the 
sin  news  of  the  paper." 

WHEN  Grant  was  president  he  often 
fulminated  against  some  "im- 
provements" voted  for  in  the  "River 
and  Harbor  Bill."  On  one  occasion  a 
Virginian,  failing  to  get  Congress  to 
stick  in  an  appropriation  for  the  dredg- 
ing of  a  little  stream  in  his  section, 
finally  importuned  Grant  in  the  matter. 
"Let  me  see,"  Grant  said  musingly,  "I 
believe  I  crossed  that  stream  —  in  1864, 
was  n't  it  ? "  The  Virginian  who  remem- 
bered that  crossing  very  well,  answered 
in  the  affirmative.  "Look  here,"  said 
Grant,  after  a  pause,  his  face  lighting  up 
suddenly,  "  why  don't  you  macadamize 
it?" 

SOME  very  amusing  anecdotes  are  told 
about  the  Rev.  Dr.  Gott,  who  was 
Vicar  of  Leeds,  Dean  of  Worcester  and 
later  Bishop  of  Truro.  He  was  notori- 
ously absent-minded,  and  at  Worcester 
was  called  "Dean  Forgott."  On  one 
occasion  he  had  preached  his  sermon 
and  put  the  manuscript  in  his  cassock 
pocket.  On  descending  the  pulpit  stairs 
he  felt  the  manuscript,  and  at  once 
turned,    walked    into    the    pulpit    and 


Grant 

The  President 
makes  a  praHical 
suggestion 


Gott 

Dean  Gotl' s 
most  amazing 
lapse  of  memory 


5  4      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


He  dismisses  his 

guests  before 

serving  dinner 


Salisbury  puns, 

the  iilueen 

laughs  and  the 

Dean  becomes  a 

Bishop 


commenced  preaching  the  sermon  over 
again,  having  forgotten  that  he  had  al- 
ready deUvered  it.  The  parish  clerk 
ascended  the  steps  and  whispered  to 
the  clergyman,  who  extricated  himself 
from  his  difficulty  in  the  best  way  he 
could. 

While  dean,  he  invited  a  number  of 
friends  to  dinner,  and  a  short  time  be- 
fore the  dinner  hour  he  suggested  that 
a  stroll  through  his  greenhouses  would 
be  a  good  appetizer.  After  spending  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  or  so  in  admiring 
the  rare  plants,  they  suddenly  came 
across  a  small  door  in  the  wall.  "Ah," 
said  the  dean  to  his  astonished  guests, 
"  this  will  be  a  much  shorter  way  home 
for  you  than  going  by  the  front  way," 
and  quite  forgetful  of  his  invitation  he 
opened  the  door  and  bowed  them  out. 

It  has  been  said  that  his  nickname 
obtained  for  him  the  bishopric.  The 
Marquis  of  Salisbury  had  been  in  con- 
sultation with  the  queen,  who  has  the 
appointing  of  the  bishops,  when  he  sud- 
denly remembered  that  he  had  not 
mentioned  the  vacant  bishopric.  "And 
the  See  of  Truro,  your  Majesty?"  he 
said.     "Ah,"    replied   the   queen,  "for 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      55 


the  moment  I  had  forgot."  "Quite  so, 
your  Majesty;  if  you  will  graciously 
pardon  the  interruption,"  put  in  the 
premier,  "  that  is  the  very  person  I 
would  suggest."  "Did  I  mention  a 
name?"  the  queen  inquired.  "Your 
Majesty  observed  that  'you  had  forgot.' 
I  would  suggest  that  the  bishopric  should 
be  *for  Gott,'  late  of  Leeds."  The 
queen  laughed  and  Dr.  Gott  got  the 
place. 

ON  ONE  occasion  Mr.  Gladstone  be- 
came very  excited,  during  a  debate, 
and  imputed  to  a  member  an  intention 
which  the  member  denied  with  a  shake 
of  the  head.  "No,  no,"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Gladstone  emphatically,  "it  is  no  use 
for  the  honorable  member  to  shake  his 
head  in  the  teeth  of  his  own  words!" 
It  was  during  the  same  Parliament 
that  a  member  got  mixed  most  amus- 
ingly in  his  metaphors.  In  eulogizing 
Mr.  Gladstone,  who  had  introduced 
some  measure  of  reform,  the  honorable 
member  said :  "  I  see  a  vision  float  be- 
fore my  eyes !  It  is  the  car  of  progress, 
rolling  on  in  majesty,  gnashing  its  teeth 
as  it  goes."  A  little  later  he  declared 
that  "all  along  the  untrodden  paths  of 


Gladstone 

The  '■'Grand 
Old  Man'' 
becomes  excited 
in  debate 


"  Footsteps  of  an 
unseen  band'' 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Mrs.  Gladstone 
forgtts  to  mail 
the  invitations 


Mrs.  Stanley 

Nelson  s 

conundrum  on 

Gladstone 


Goodwin 

He  couldn^t 
afford  to  miss  it 


the  past  we  see  the  footsteps  of  an  un- 
seen hand." 

Mrs.  Gladstone,  in  her  young  days, 
was  exceedingly  forgetful.  Her  distin- 
guished husband,  at  that  time  just  be- 
coming famous,  had  persuaded  her  to 
give  a  dance.  On  the  evening  she  found 
that  the  bachelor  part  of  the  community 
was  conspicuous  by  its  absence,  the  only 
men  present  being  those  who  had  accom- 
panied their  wives.  Going  to  her  desk 
for  something,  during  the  evening,  she 
found  a  package  of  envelopes,  and  to  her 
dismay  discovered  that  she  had  forgotten 
to  mail  the  invitations  to  the  carefully 
selected  eligibles. 

Mrs.  Stanley  Nelson  sent  the  follow- 
ing riddle  to  Sir  M.  E.  Grant  Duff,  in 
India.  "  A  word  of  eleven  letters.  The 
first  six  Gladstone  loves,  the  rest  he 
hates.  The  whole  said  slowly  is  what 
he  would  like  to  do.  The  whole  said 
quickly  is  where  he  ought  to  be. 
Answer:   Reform-a-tory." 

WHEN  Nat  Goodwin  brought  out 
''Nathan  Hale"  in  Philadelphia, 
Mr.  Hoyt  was  there.  On  his  way  to 
the  theater  to  witness  the  play  he  met 
a  friend  who  had  just  come  over  from 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      5  7 


New  York,  and  he  invited  him  to  go 
with  him.  "What's  the  attraction?" 
asked  his  friend.  **  Nat  Goodwin  in 
*  Nathan  Hale,'"  said  the  playwright. 
**  I'm  very  sorry,"  said  the  friend,  **  but 
you'll  have  to  count  me  out."  ''What's 
your  reason?"  Hoyt  asked  in  surprise. 
*'  Well,  to  be  frank  with  you,  I  don't 
like  Goodwin  in  anything.  I  hate  him 
personally,  and  can't  enjoy  him  as  an 
adtor,  and,  as  far  as  I  am  concerned, 
I  wouldn't  mind  seeing  him  dead." 
"Then  this  is  your  chance,"  slyly  re- 
joined the  humorous  playwright,  in  his 
peculiar  New  England  dialed:.  "You 
must  not  miss  it.  They  hang  him  in 
the  last  ad:." 

SUPREME  Court  Judge  Henry  Gil- 
dersleeve,  at  an  annual  dinner  of  the 
sheriff's  jury,  being  importuned  by  a 
fellow  guest  to  take  more  wine,  retorted, 
in  declining :  "  You  are  a  judge  of  wine ; 
but  the  law  I  am  judge  of  is  not,  this 
evening,  very  dry." 

The  judge  is  very  fond  of  a  good 
story,  and  he  tells  with  great  gusto  how, 
when  he  was  at  the  bar,  in  addressing 
the  jury,  said,  "When  I  was  a  boy  my 
highest  ambition  was  to  be  a  pirate." 


Gildersleeve 

A  tudgi  of  laiu 
that  ivai  not  dry 


Opposing  counsel 

scores 


58 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

1 

Goff 

Appearances  oft 
decei-ve 

"You're  in  luck,"  remarked  the  oppos- 
ing counsel  sotto  voce;  "it  is  not  every 
man  who  can  realize  the  dreams  of  his 
youth," 

"T    ooK   at  this  man,"  said  Recorder 
1  J  Goff    when    a    counselor    at    the 
bar ;  "  does  he  look  like  one  who  would 
commit  a  crime?"   "No,"  replied  the 
witness,  "but  neither  do  you." 

■■-—-■                                                                                        1 

1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

5  9 

1 

In  the  morning  we  carry  the 
world  like  Atlas ;  at  noon  we 
stoop  beneath  it ;  and  at  night 
it  crushes  us  to  the  ground. 

Holmes,  John 

When  a 
bachelor  should 
impro-ve  his 

quarters 

Holmes, 

Oliver 

Wendell 

Aldricb  discom- 
fits the  Autocrat 
of  the  Breakfast 
Table 

f  1  ^HE  LATE  John  Holmes,  whose  rep- 
JL     utation  for  wit  was   not  so  wide 
as  that  of  his  celebrated  elder  brother. 
Dr.    Oliver  Wendell    Holmes,  was  yet 
known  among  his  intimate  friends  as  a 
man  of   ready  wit  and  repartee.    John 
Holmes    never    married,    but    lived  by 
himself  in  a  little  house  in  Cambridge, 
and  once  a   friend  rallied  him  on    his 
lonely    life.     "You    ought    to    marry, 
John,"   he    said,   "and    have    a    larger 
house."    "Why,  yes,"  replied  Holmes, 
"if  I  should  take  a  better  half,  I  should 
have  to  improve  my  quarters." 

/^Aliver  Wendell   Holmes  enjoyed 
V^  his  own  wit  better  than   that   of 
any  one  else.    On  one  occasion  he  was 
holding  forth   at   great   length    on   the 
subject     of    cannibalism,    and,    having 
wound  himself  up  to  the  proper  pitch, 
he  turned  suddenly   to  Thomas   Bailey 
Aldrich,   and  said:     "Imagine!    What 

o 


Harte 

She  put  them  on 
the  ivrong  man 


Healy 

Pardonable 
mendacity 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


would  you  do  if  you  were  to  meet  a 
cannibal  ?"  **  I  think,"  answered  Aldrich 
with  a  smile,  "that  I  should  stop  to 
pick  an  acquaintance  with  him."  The 
rejoinder  cast  such  a  gloom  over  the 
Autocrat  of  the  Breakfast  Table  that  dur- 
ing the  remainder  of  the  dinner  his  con- 
versation was  limited  to  monosyllables. 

BRET  Harte  is  so  frequently  com- 
plimented in  England  as  the  author 
of  Little  Breeches  that  he  is  almost 
sorry  that  Secretary  John  Hay  ever  wrote 
it.  A  gushing  lady,  who  prided  herself 
on  her  literary  tastes,  said  to  him  once : 
"  I  am  so  delighted  to  meet  you,  Mr. 
Harte !  I  have  read  everything  you  ever 
wrote,  but  of  all  your  dialedl  verse  there 
is  none  that  compares  to  your  Little 
Breeches."  *'  I  quite  agree  with  you, 
madam,"  answered  Mr.  Harte,  "but 
you  have  put  the  '  little  breeches '  on  the 
wrong  man." 

AN  English  lady  once  asked  the 
witty  and  eloquent  Dr.  Healy 
whether  it  was  true  that  the  Irish  never 
ate  anything  but  potatoes.  "  Certainly, 
madam,"  replied  the  priest,  "and  when 
they  have  disposed  of  the  contents  they 
clothe  themselves  in  the  skins." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


THE  WITTY  Dean  Hole  has  left  some 
good  stories  scattered  through  his 
Memoirs,  which  will  be  told  and  re- 
told until  their  identity  is  lost.  He  tells 
us  that  once  a  country  clergyman  was 
asked  to  pray  for  rain.  He  did  so,  and 
the  rain  did  fall,  and  continued  to  do 
so.  When  it  had  been  raining  some 
time,  the  local  farmers  met  and  discussed 
the  situation.  "  That's  the  worst  of  our 
parson,"  said  one;  "he  always  overdoes 
everything."  That  story  reminds  him 
of  another.  One  farmer  stated  to  an- 
other, who  was  a  Methodist,  that  he  in- 
tended to  ask  the  redior  to  use  the  prayer 
for  rain.  "Better  ask  our  parson,"  said 
the  Methodist ;  "  he  can  pray  your 
recflor's  head  off!" 

The  dean  says  he  remembers  how 
a  young  curate  was  placed  in  an  em- 
barrassing position  through  his  ignorance 
of  sporting  events.  He  was  appointed 
to  a  church  situated  in  a  sporting  cen- 
ter, but  his  church  was  well  attended, 
and  the  parishioners  very  devout.  One 
Sunday  the  senior  churchwarden  ap- 
proached him  and  asked  that  the  name 
of  "Lucy  Gray"  be  included  in  the 
prayers.    The  curate  responded    to  the 


6  I 


Hole 

The  parion 
prayed  too 

zealously 


The  efficiency  of 
prayer  :  Lucy 
Gray  zvins  the 
steeplechase 


6  2 


The  "very  stout 

bishop  and  the 

frank  little  girl 


Houghton 

Monckton 

Milnes  as  a 

raconteur 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


request,  and  the  prayers  of  the  church 
went  up  for  Lucy  Gray  each  Sunday  for 
three  weeks;  then  the  warden  asked 
that  the  name  should  be  omitted.  "  Is 
she  dead?"  asked  the  curate.  "Dead, 
oh,  no!"  was  the  reply.  "She's  won 
the  steeplechase."  The  curate  became 
the  most  popular  clergyman  that  had 
ever  held  the  curacy. 

Dean  Hole  loves  a  good  story  even 
though  it  is  against  the  "cloth,"  and  he 
tells  with  gusto  of  a  very  stout  and  also 
very  sedate  bishop  who  was  seated  on  a 
bench  in  a  public  park  and  amused 
himself  by  talking  to  a  little  girl,  some 
seven  years  old.  "I  must  go  now,"  said 
the  bishop,  "and  you  must  help  me  to 
rise,  but  I'm  afraid  you'll  find  me  very 
heavy."  "Oh,  no,"  she  replied  quickly, 
"you're  not  half  so  drunk  as  father  often 


IS 


THE  LATE  Lord  Houghton,  better 
known  to  the  literary  world  as 
Monckton  Milnes,  was  a  good  raconteur 
and  a  brilliant  wit,  therefore  many  good 
stories  are  told  of,  as  well  as  by,  him. 
At  a  dinner  of  a  literary  society.  Lord 
Houghton  once  said  with  reference  to 
a  statue  that  had  lately  been  found  near 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


3 


Athens,  that  when  the  local  dignitary 
telegraphed  to  the  Lord  Mayor  of 
London,  "Phidias  recovered,"  the  latter 
replied:  "Glad  to  hear  it;  but  didn't 
know  he  had  been  ill." 

At  a  public  dinner  an  intimate  liter- 
ary friend  of  Houghton's  had  been 
selected  to  respond  to  the  toast  of 
"Literature,"  but  when  the  time  came 
for  him  to  speak  he  was  speechless. 
Houghton,  who  was  sitting  near  him, 
was  at  once  asked  to  respond.  He  got 
up,  and,  looking  at  his  helpless  com- 
panion, deliberately  began :  "  My  friend, 
who     has     drunk     deep," — prolonged 

pause, — "of  the   Pierian   spring " 

The  happily  turned  sentence  instantly 
evoked  a  burst  of  laughter. 

JUSTICE  Harlan  of  the  United  States 
Supreme  Court  was  once  playing 
golf  with  a  very  devout  clergyman, 
when  the  judge,  after  making  a  particu- 
larly long  drive,  turned  to  his  clerical 
opponent  and  bade  him  do  better  if  he 
could.  The  dominie  teed  up  his  ball 
with  care,  swung  his  club  two  or  three 
times  to  limber  up  for  a  big  drive,  and 
then  swung  at  the  ball  with  all  his  might. 
The  head  of  the  club  fanned  the  air, 


A  happily 
turned  sentence 


Harlan 

Silence  that  ivas 
afiually  profane 


64 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Hook 

Theodore  Hook 

as  an  impromptu 

rhymiter 


In  more  serious 
-vein 


leaving  the  ball  tantalizingly  on  the  tee. 
Without  a  word,  but  with  a  face  full  of 
anguish,  the  clergyman  looked  at  Har- 
lan for  fully  a  minute,  and  then  swung 
again.  "  Well,"  said  the  judge,  "  that  was 
the  most  profane  silence  I  ever  heard." 

THEODORE  Hook  used  to  amuse  him- 
self in  saying  something  in  rhyme 
to  every  person  who  entered  the  room. 
In  company  with  a  number  of  celebrated 
wits,  he  was  put  to  the  test,  and  one  of 
the  first  to  enter  the  room  was  a  man 
named  Winter,  a  tax-colledbor.  Hook 
immediately  made  the  following  im- 
promptu : 

"  Here  comes  Mr.  Winter,  a  colledlor  ot 
taxes ; 

I  advise  you  to  give  him  whatever  he  axes ; 

I  advise  you  to  give  it  without  any  flum- 
mery, 

For  though  his  name's  Winter^  his  adlions 
are  summary." 

He  wrote  the  following  in  an  album, 
in  a  more  serious  vein: 

"The  World's  a  book^  writ  by  the  eternal  art 
Of  the  great  Author ,  printed  in  man's 

heart ; 
'Tis  falsely  printed  though  Divinely  penned^ 
And  all  the  errata  will  appear  't  the  end." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      6 


JUSTICE  Hawkins  was  about  to  sen- 
tence a  prisoner  who  had  been  found 
guihy  of  forgery,  when  the  prisoner 
asked  permission  to  say  a  few  words. 
The  judge  gave  the  required  permit,  and 
the  prisoner  said,  '*  It  is  absurd  to  say 
that  I  am  guilty  of  forgery,  my  lord, 
I  cannot  even  sign  my  own  name." 
Justice  Hawkins  was  equal  to  the  occa- 
sion, and  replied,  "That  may  be,  but 
you  are  not  charged  with  signing  your 
own  name." 

GEORGE  Hardinge,  bibUopoHst,  ge- 
nius, and  for  many  years  member 
of  the  English  Parliament,  was  noted 
for  his  laxity  in  paying  his  just  debts. 
He  had  contracted  a  large  bill  with 
Triphook,  the  bibliopolist,  and  the 
bookseller  wrote  several  times  to  try  and 
colled:  the  money,  but  his  letters  were 
not  answered.  At  last  he  addressed  one 
to  "  George  Hardinge,  Esq.,  or  his  Ex- 
ecutors," remarking  that  he  had  ad- 
dressed several  letters  to  Mr.  Hardinge, 
to  which  he  had  not  received  an  answer ; 
and  expressing  his  fears  that  he  was 
dead,  he  concluded  with  the  sentence, 
"  Should  the  melancholy  circumstance  be 
true,  I  hope  the  executors  will  pay  the 


Hawkins 

Not  charged 
•with  signing  his 
oivn  name 


Hardinge 

George 
Hardinge 
announces  to  bis 
creditor  the 
melancholy  cir- 
cumstance of  bis 
death 


6  6      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Hillier 

An  amusing 

incident 

illustrating  the 

misuse  of  the 

letter  «'Z." 


bill."    This  letter  was  received  by  Har- 
dinge,  who  wrote  the  following  in  reply: 

"Dear  Mr.  Triphook: 
What  is  fear'd  by  you 
(The  melancholy  circumstance)  is  true  — 
True  I  am  dead ;  and  more  afflicting  still, 
My  legal  ashes  will  not  pay  your  bill; 
For,  oh !  to  name  it  I  am  broken-hearted. 
This  transient  Hfe  insolvent  I  departed. 
And  so  for  you  there's  not  a  single  farthing. 
For  my  executors  and  self,  George 
Hardinge." 

"  P.  S. —  You'll  pay  the  postage  which  these 
lines  will  cost; 
The  dead  their  franking  privilege  have  lost." 

THE  ASPIRATE  is  a  difficulty  with 
many  Englishmen,  especially  those 
who  are  known  as  "Cockneys,"  or 
natives  of  London's  east  end.  One  of 
the  best  illustrations  of  the  misuse  of 
the  letter  "h"  is  furnished  in  the  fol- 
lowing true  incident: 

An  acquaintance  of  a  Mr.  Joseph 
Hillier  met  him  one  morning  with  the 
question,  "  'Ow  is  your  'ealth  today,  Mr. 
Tllier?"  "My  name  is  not  TUier,"  said 
Mr.  Hillier.  "Well,"  said  the  other, 
"if  a  haitch,  and  a  hi,  and  two  hels, 
and  a  hi,  and  a  he,  and  a  har  don't  spell 
'Illier,  what  on  hearth  do  they  spell?" 


1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

67 

1 

"//  is  nearly  always  untrue  to 
say  of  a  man  that  he  wishes  to 
leave  a  great  property  behind 
him  when  he  dies.    Usually  he 
would  like  to  take  it  along!' 

Irving, 
Washington 

An  inherited 
malady 

Irving, 
Henry 

Ir-ving  and 
Montague  per- 
petrate a  ghastly 

joke  upon  their 

friends 

TT  Tashington  Irving  chanced  to  be 
VV    caught    one    day   in   a    thunder- 
storm with  a  neighbor  who  refused  to 
join  him  under  a  tree,  giving  as  his  rea- 
son that  his  father  had  been  killed  by 
lightning.    "Ah,"  said  Irving,  "it  runs 
in  the  family  then?" 

T  Tenry  Irving,  the  adtor,  was  always 
i  JL  fond   of  playing    pradlical  jokes. 
Clement  Scott  tells  of  one  played  by 
Irving    and    Harry   Montague    upon   a 
number  of  their  associates.    Irving  and 
Montague,  hitherto  the  best  of  friends, 
began  to  quarrel  on  their  way  to  a  pic- 
nic, and  their  friends  feared  some  tragic 
consequences.    After  luncheon  both  of 
the  men  disappeared.    Business    Mana- 
ger Smale's  face  turned  pale.    He  felt 
that  his  worst  fears  had  been  realized. 
With   one  wild    cry,   **  They're    gone ! 

» 

6  8      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


A  bit  of  clever 
realism 


What  on  earth  has  become  of  them?" 
he  made  a  dash  down  the  Dargle,  over 
the  rocks  and  boulders,  with  the  re- 
mainder of  the  picnickers  at  his  heels. 
At  the  bottom  of  a  "dreadful  hollow 
behind  the  little  wood,"  a  fearful  sight 
presented  itself  to  the  astonished  friends. 
There,  on  a  stone,  sat  Henry  Irving,  in 
his  shirt-sleeves,  his  long  hair  matted 
over  his  eyes,  his  thin  hands  and  white 
face  all  smeared  with  blood,  and  dang- 
ling an  open  clasp-knife.  He  was  mut- 
tering to  himself,  in  a  savage  tone: 
"I've  done  it,  I've  done  it!  I  said  I 
would,  I  said  I  would!"  Tom  Smale, 
in  an  agony  of  fear,  rushed  up  to  Irv- 
ing. "For  heaven's  sake,  man,"  he 
screamed,  "  tell  us  where  he  is !  "  Irving, 
scarcely  moving  a  muscle,  pointed  to  a 
heap  of  dead  leaves,  and,  in  that  sepul- 
chral tone  of  his,  cried :  "  He's  there  ! 
I've  done  for  him  !  I've  murdered  him !  " 
Smale  literally  bounded  to  the  heap, 
almost  paralyzed  with  fear,  and  began 
pulling  the  leaves  away.  Presently  he 
found  Montague  lying  face  downward 
and  nearly  convulsed  with  laughter. 
Never  was  better  ailing  seen  on  any 
stage. 


1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

69 

1 

A  little  nonsense  now  and  then 
Is  relished  by  the  wisest  men. 

Johnston 

He  ivantcd  his 
day  off 

Johnson,  Dr. 

A  caustic 
rejoinder 

His  opinion  of 
•women  preachers 

•General  Joseph  E.  Johnston,  the 
V  T  Confederate   commander,  used   to 
tell  that  once  in  the  hottest  part  of  one 
of  the  early  battles  of  the  Civil  war,  he 
felt  his  coat-tails  pulled.    Turning  about, 
he  recognized  a  young  man  who  had 
been  employed  in   his   tobacco  factory 
previous  to  enlistment.    "Why  are  you 
not  in  your  place,  fighting  ? "  the  general 
demanded  angrily.  "  Why,  I  just  wanted 
to   tell  you  that,  if  you  don't  mind,  I 
will  take  my  day  off  today!" 

TusT  after  the  publication  of  his  dic- 
J   tionary.  Dr.  Johnson  was  met  by  two 
young     ladies    whose    characters    were 
rather  puritanic.     They  complimented 
him  on  having  omitted  all  the  gross  and 
objectionable  words.  "  What,  my  dears !" 
said  the  do6tor,  "have  you  been  look- 
ing out  for  them  already?" 

In  Johnson's  day  the  Quakers  allowed 
women  to  preach.    Some  one  told  the 
do6tor  that  they  had  been  to  hear  such 
a  preacher,  to  which  he  replied:   "Sir, 
a  woman's    preaching   is    like    a   dog's 

1 

7  o 


of  loquacious 
ladies 


And  of  ivi-ves 
•who  talk  Greek 


Johmon, 

Bishop 

Ecclesiastical 
punning 


Johnson, 
Dr.  Oliver 

At  least  be  bad 
•wit 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


walking  on  his  hind  legs.  It  is  not  done 
well;  but  you  are  surprised  to  find  it 
done  at  all." 

It  was  a  characteristic  speech  of 
Johnson's,  for  he  never  admired  a  talka- 
tive woman.  Once  when  in  a  fashiona- 
ble company,  a  very  loquacious  lady,  of 
whom  he  had  taken  but  little  notice, 
said  to  him,  "Why,  Doctor,  I  believe 
you  are  not  very  fond  of  the  company 
of  ladies."  **  You  are  mistaken,  madam," 
he  replied.  **  I  like  your  delicacy,  I  like 
your  vivacity,  and  I  like  your  silence." 

Dr.  Johnson  used  to  say  that  a  "man 
in  general  is  much  better  pleased  when 
he  has  a  good  dinner  than  when  his 
wife  talks  Greek." 

BISHOP  Johnson,  of  the  Protestant 
Episcopal  Church  of  Southern  Cali- 
fornia, is  esteemed  a  wit.  Once  when  he 
was  visiting  a  southern  parish,  his  hostess 
remarked  that  he  looked  better  since  he 
had  come  into  the  diocese.  "Yes,"  he 
frankly  answered,  "the  air  of  the  *see' 
agrees  with  me." 

DR.  Oliver  Johnson,  the  eminent 
led:urer,  publicist  and  editor,  was 
traveling  through  the  mining  distrid:  of 
Pennsylvania  when  he  encountered  an 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


7 


old  Irishman  turning  a  windlass  which 
hauled  up  ore  out  of  the  shaft.  His  hat 
was  off  and  the  perspiration  was  stream- 
ing down  his  face.  "  Don't  you  know 
you  will  injure  your  brain  if  you  expose 
it  in  that  manner?"  asked  Johnson. 
The  Irishman  wiped  his  face  with  his 
arm,  and  answered,  "  Do  you  think  I'd 
be  doing  the  like  of  this  all  day  if  I  had 
any  brains?" 

HERR  Joachim,  the  famous  violinist, 
tells  a  story  against  himself  which 
is  amusing.  While  in  London  he  was 
constantly  thrown  in  the  company  of  a 
certain  titled  lord  who  had  no  knowl- 
edge of  music.  One  day  the  lord  told 
the  violinist  that  he  was  going  to  hear 
him  at  St.  James'  Hall.  "  I  am  de- 
lighted," said  the  musician;  "I  hope 
you  will  tell  me  what  you  think  of  the 
concert."  A  few  days  later  Joachim  met 
the  noble  lord  and  asked  him  if  he  had 
attended  the  concert,  and  hoped  that  it 
had  not  proved  tedious.  **  Not  at  all, 
not  at  all,"  replied  the  lord,  *' I  enjoyed 
myself  immensely.  I  did  not  recognize 
you  at  first  under  your  disguise  as  a  nig- 
ger, but  later  I  laughed  all  the  more." 
There  was  silence  for  a  moment,  then 


Joachim 

The  absurd 
blunder  of  a  cer- 
tain nobleman 


7 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Jerrold 

The  nimble  luit 

of  Doug/as 

Jerrold 


On  seeing  a  tall 

man  'with  a 

short  lady 


He  is  -waylaid 
by  a  prosy  man 


His  mathemati- 
cal toast  to  the 
ladies 


came  the  explanation.  The  nobleman 
had  strolled  into  the  Moore  and  Burgess 
Minstrel  Hall  instead  of  the  large  con- 
cert room. 

DOUGLAS  Jerrold  met  a  Scotchman 
whose  name  was  Leitch,  and  who 
explained  he  was  not  the  popular  cari- 
caturist, John  Leech.  **  I'm  aware  of 
that,"  replied  Jerrold;  "you're  the 
Scotchman  with  the  itch  in  your  name." 

On  seeing  a  very  tall  man  waltzing 
with  a  short  lady,  Jerrold  said  to  a 
friend,  *'  Humph  !  there's  the  mile  danc- 
ing with  the  mile-stone." 

A  prosy  man,  who  was  in  the  habit 
of  waylaying  Jerrold,  and  asking  him 
all  the  news,  met  him  one  day,  and  said, 
"Well,  Jerrold,  what  is  going  on  today?" 
"  I  am,"  answered  Jerrold,  as  he  walked 
on  past  the  inquirer. 

Jerrold  was  once  asked  to  propose  a 
toast  to  the  ladies.  He  did  so  in  this 
mathematical  manner :  "The fair  daugh- 
ters of  England, —  may  they  add  virtue 
to  beauty,  subtrad:  envy  from  friendship, 
multiply  amiable  accomplishments  by 
sweetness  of  temper,  divide  time  by 
sociability  and  economy,  and  reduce 
scandal  to  its  lowest  denomination." 


1 

IX  LIGHTER  VEIS 

7  3 

1 

''Enjoy  the  blessing  of  this 
day^  and  the  evils  of  it  bear 
patiently  and  sweetly^  for  this 
day  only  is  ours.    IVe  are 
dead  to  yesterday ^  and  we  are 
not  yet  born  to  the  morrow ^ 

Kipling 

He  ivas 

not  courting  his 

mother-in-law 

Kelly 

Father  Kelly 
passes  the  plate 

\\  UDYARD  Kipling's  maternal  grand- 
Xv  father    was    the    Rev.    George    E. 
Macdonald.    It   is   related  of  him   that 
in  the  days  when  he  was  courting  the 
lady  whom  he  afterwards  married,  the 
father-in-law-to-be,  an  aged  Methodist, 
on  one  occasion  entered  the  parlor,  and 
found  the  sweethearts,  who  were  taken 
by  surprise,   occupying  a  single   chair. 
The  old  man  said  solemnly,  "  Mr.  Mac- 
donald, when  I  was  courting  Mrs.  Brown 
she  sat  on  one  side  of  the  room  and  I 
on  the  other."    **  That's  what  I  should 
have  done  if  I  had  been  courting  Mrs. 
Brown,"  was  Macdonald's  reply. 

f  1  ^HE  Rev.  Father  Kelly,  mission- 
A     ary  priest,  was  stationed  in  a  thriv- 
ing city  out  West,  at  one   time.    The 
church    had    got    into   debt    to  a  local 

1 

7  4 


Keogh 

His  lordship 

retires  for  (he 

night 


Pardonable 
negleSi 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


coal-dealer  and  the  priest  undertook  to 
raise  the  amount  at  the  next  Sunday's 
mass.  In  order  to  make  the  collecftion 
a  success  he  passed  the  plate  himself. 
The  next  day  he  met  a  member  of  the 
congregation  who  had  failed  to  contrib- 
ute. "  I  saw  that  you  did  not  give 
anything  yesterday,"  he  said  to  the  par- 
ishioner. "No,  father,  I'm  on  to  you." 
"I  do  not  understand."  "Sure,  an'  you 
said  the  collection  was  for  coal  when 
you  knew  the  church  was  heated  by 
stheam." 

THE  WELL-KNOWN  Irish  judge  was 
very  absent-minded.  One  day  he 
invited  several  lawyers  to  dine  with  him, 
and,  as  the  hour  approached,  went  up- 
stairs to  dress  for  dinner.  The  guests 
arrived,  but  his  lordship  was  not  there 
to  receive  them.  After  they  had  waited 
an  hour,  a  servant  was  sent  in  search  of 
the  missing  judge,  who  was  found  in 
bed,  sleeping  soundly.  On  reaching  his 
dressing-room,  he  had  quite  forgotten 
for  what  he  had  withdrawn,  and  inno- 
cently retired  for  the  night. 

On  one  occasion  he  forgot  himself 
while  trying  a  man  for  murder.  The 
jury  had  found  a  verdid:  of  "guilty," 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      7  5 


and  all  waited  anxiously  for  the  judge 
to  put  the  black  cap  on  his  head  and 
sentence  the  prisoner  to  death,  instead 
of  which,  he  ordered,  "  Remove  the 
prisoner."  *'  But,  my  lord,  you  have  not 
sentenced  him."  The  judge  put  on  the 
dreaded  black  cap,  and  looking  at  the 
condemned  man  commenced  by  saying : 
"  I  really  beg  his  pardon.  Prisoner  at 
the  bar,  I  must  really  beg  your  pardon 
for  negledting  to  sentence  you." 

MRS.  Kendal,  in  her  long  and  suc- 
cessful career  on  the  stage,  has 
met  with  many  experiences  which  are 
well  worth  recalling.  On  the  stage  she 
is  such  a  true  artist  that  nothing  can  ever 
cause  her  to  forget  her  part  or  assert  her 
own  individuality.  One  time  she  was 
playing  in  the  "Second  Mrs.  Tanqueray" 
when  a  magnificent  and  costly  diamond 
pin  got  loose  and  fell  to  the  floor.  To 
have  stooped  and  picked  it  up  would 
have  spoiled  her  scene.  She  went  on  as 
though  nothing  had  happened,  though 
she  knew  that  the  pin  was  being  trod- 
den underfoot  and  would  be  completely 
ruined.  When  the  curtain  fell,  she 
calmly  said  to  Mr.  Kendal:  **I  have 
dropped  my  pin  on  the  stage."    Search 


Kendal 

Mrs.  Kendal's 
remarkable  self- 
control  ivben  on 
the  stage 


76 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


An  amusing 
incident  in  the 
Theatre  Royal 


Tied  "with  a 
double  knot  — 
the  Kendah  go 
through  the 
marriage  cere- 
mony fwice  in 
one  day 


was  made  for  it,  but  though  part  of  the 
gold  setting  was  found  crushed  out  of 
all  resemblance  to  the  pin,  the  stone 
was  lost,  most  likely  being  forced  into 
some  crevice  in  the  boards.  Many 
women  would  have  thought  more  of 
the  jewel  than  of  the  momentary  inter- 
ruption of  the  scene. 

"  I  must  tell  an  amusing  incident  that 
occurred  in  the  Theatre  Royal,  Dublin, 
while  I  was  playing  Galatea,"  says  Mrs. 
Kendal.  *'  You  remember  that  Pygma- 
lion has  a  jealous  wife  named  Cynisca. 
At  the  moment  when  I  was  about  to 
throw  myself  into  the  arms  of  Pygma- 
lion, an  old  Irish  lady  shouted  out: 
*  Don't  darlint !  His  wife  has  just  gone 
out ! '  It  destroyed  the  scene.  Every- 
body, including  myself,  had  to  burst 
into  laughter." 

The  Kendals  were  married  on  August 
7,  1869,  at  St.  Saviour's  Church,  Man- 
chester. The  couple  were  playing  in 
that  city  and  as  the  Haymarket  Com- 
pany had  a  very  large  repertoire,  they 
decided  to  fix  their  wedding  for  a  day 
on  which  they  would  not  be  required 
to  a6t.  This  seemed  to  be  their  only 
chance    and  so  an   early  wedding  was 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      7  7 


arranged.  By  nine  o'clock  Madge  Rob- 
ertson had  changed  her  name  to  Madge 
Kendal,  and  the  happy  couple  were  just 
on  their  way  to  the  railway  station  in- 
tending to  have  a  honeymoon  of  at  least 
thirty  hours'  duration,  when  the  unwel- 
come news  reached  them  that  Mr. 
Compton  who  was  to  be  the  star  of  the 
evening  had  been  taken  ill  and  that  they 
must  play  Rosalind  and  Orlando  in  **  As 
You  Like  It."  In  duty  bound  they  had 
to  obey,  but  secretly  hoping  that  the 
news  of  their  marriage  had  not  reached 
the  public.  When  it  came  to  the  lines, 
"  Will  you,  Orlando,  have  to  wife  this 
Rosalind?"  and  Orlando  answered,  "I 
will,"  a  mighty  uproar  of  applause  and 
cheering  told  them  that  their  secret  was 
out.  A  strong  Lancashire  voice  was 
heard  above  the  cheering :  **  That's  sec- 
ond time  today,  my  lad !  "  a  speech 
which  caused  the  cheering  to  break 
forth  anew. 

WHEN  Charles  Kean  was  playing 
Richard  III,  his  fearful  grim- 
aces in  chara6ler  paralyzed  all  the  other 
adtors  with  fright,  much  to  his  amuse- 
ment. On  one  occasion  a  new  man  had 
to   take   the   part   of  the   sentinel    who 


Kean 

Charles  Kean  as 
Richard  in 


78 


Kilbride 

The  Irish  mem- 
ber deli'vers  a 
famous  speech  on 
the  Food  and 
Drugs  Bill 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


awoke  Richard.  When  asked,  **Who 
is  there?"  he  had  to  say:  **'Tis  I,  my 
lord;  the  village  cock  hath  twice  pro- 
claimed the  hour  of  morn."  But,  as 
Kean  was  making  such  frightful  grim- 
aces, and  scowling  at  him,  the  poor  fel- 
low lost  his  head,  and  could  only 
stammer:  " 'Tis  I,  my  lord  —  'tis  I,  my 
lord;  the  village  —  cock  —  'Tis  I  —  my 

lord;  the  village  —  cock "    By  this 

time  there  was  a  titter  all  over  the  thea- 
ter, and  Kean  exclaimed,  "Then  why 
the  mischief  don't  you  crow?" 


M' 


R.  Dennis  Kilbride,  an  Irish 
member  of  Parliament,  is  one  of 
the  members  who  always  attradis  and 
keeps  the  attention  of  the  Commoners. 
His  North  Galway  brogue  is  rich  and 
thick,  his  anecdotes  are  racy  of  the  soil, 
and  his  manner  one  which  a(5ts  as  a  pleas- 
ant stimulant  to  the  overfed  and  jaded 
members.  In  a  discussion  on  the  Food  and 
Drugs  Bill,  which  was  intended  to  pro- 
hibit adulteration  of  articles  of  food  and 
medicine,  the  honorable  member  arose 
and  addressed  the  House  as  **  Gintle- 
The  speaker  called  him  to  or- 


men 


der,  and  he  sat  down  with  considerable 
force  on  Captain  Donelan's  hat.    Then 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


7  9 


when  he  found  that  he  should  address  the 
speaker,  he  re-commenced  his  speech, 
in  the  course  of  which  he  said :  **  I  ob- 
jed:,  Mister  Spaker,  aginst  the  tin  per 
cent  uv  butter  fat.  I  object  entoirely. 
Margarine,  Mister  Spaker,  is  used  by 
nine-tinths  uv  the  populace  fur  cookin' 
porpoises."  A  burst  of  laughter  almost 
drowned  the  speaker's  voice.  **  Yis,  sorr, 
that's  what  it  is  used  fur  —  cookin'  por- 
poises." Another  laugh  came  from  all 
parts  of  the  House.  "  Well,  sorr,  I  don't 
know  whaat  honorable  gintlemen  are  a 
laughin'  at ;  but  if  they.  Mister  Spaker, 
don't  know  how  much  margarine  is  used 
fur  cookin'  porpoises ' '  The  laugh- 
ter was  now  so  general  that  the  member 
had  to  sit  down,  highly  disgusted  at  the 
manner  in  which  an  Irishman  was  treated 
when  he  rose  to  address  the  assembly  on 
such  an  important  subject. 


He  insists  that 
margarine 
is  luidelf  used 
for  cooking 
porpoises 


8  o      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Ludlow 

The  General 
lights  his  cigar 
■with  a  fifty- 
dollar  bill 


Lincoln 

The  President 

presents  the 

philanthropist 

ivith  a  bottle  of 

hair  tonic 


*'  One  may  write  with  more  wit 
upon  any  subjeSi  than  upon 
wit  it  self.'' 

A  STORY  is  told  of  General  William 
Ludlow,  late  Military  Governor  of 
Havana.  When  he  was  stationed  at 
Detroit  some  years  ago  in  charge  of 
river  and  harbor  work,  he  was  visited 
by  a  contractor  who  wanted  to  do  some 
work  for  the  government.  When  the 
man  entered  he  laid  his  visiting-card  on 
the  table  and  with  it  a  crisp  fifty-dollar 
bill.  Ludlow  made  no  sign  of  having 
seen  it,  but  saying  that  they  had  better 
smoke  while  they  were  talking,  he  drew 
forth  two  cigars  and  gave  the  contrad:or 
one  of  them ;  then  turning  to  the  table 
and  not  seeing  a  match,  he  took  the 
fifty-dollar  bill,  twisted  it  into  a  lighter, 
lighted  it  at  the  open  fire,  and  slowly 
lit  his  cigar  with  it.  Then  he  handed 
the  burning  stump  of  the  bill  to  the 
contractor. 

THE  STORIES  told  about  President 
Lincoln  would  fill  a  large  book, 
but  here  is  one  not  generally  included 
in  a  collection   of  his  stories.    He  was 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN      8i 


constantly  bored  by  a  philanthropist  who 
wanted  to  reform  mankind  on  new  lines 
and  in  an  impossible  way.  The  genial 
president  listened  to  him  courteously 
and  suggested  that  he  should  call  some 
day  when  more  time  could  be  devoted 
to  the  subject.  The  man  did  call,  not 
once  but  many  times,  but  each  time  the 
president  was  very  busy.  One  day  after 
listening  to  the  man  for  some  time,  he 
rose,  went  to  a  small  cabinet,  took  from 
it  a  bottle,  and  asked  innocently,  "  Did 
you  ever  try  any  of  this  on  your  head?" 
The  philanthropist,  whose  hair  was  get- 
ting very  thin,  answered,  "  No,  I  never 
did."  *'Well  then,  try  it.  I  advise  you 
to  try  it.  If  at  first  it  does  not  answer, 
try  it  again.  They  say  there  is  nothing 
like  it  for  making  the  hair  grow,"  the 
president  remarked;  then  fearing  the 
man  was  not  going  to  take  the  hint, 
added,  "Take  this  bottle  home,  right 
now,  and  try  it,  then  come  back  to  me 
in  six  months  and  let  me  know  how  it 
has  succeeded,"  and  then  the  president 
left  the  room  hurriedly. 

JAMES  Russell  Lowell  was  a  good 
student  of  dialedt.     One  day  while 
traveling  in  the   north   of  England,  he 


Lowell 

Loivell  dines 
•with  a  tramp 


8   2 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Landor 

He  remembers 

the  key  hut 

forgets  the  valise 


entered  a  cheap  restaurant,  in  order  to 
hear  a  Httle  "Durham  dialect."  He 
seated  himself  opposite  a  barefooted 
tramp  and  told  him  he  could  have  some- 
thing to  eat  at  his  expense.  The  tramp 
grinned  but  did  not  speak.  Lowell  called 
the  waiter,  and  ordered,  *'A  steak  and 
fried  potatoes,  please."  The  tramp  rested 
his  elbows  on  the  table,  and  said, 
**  Bring  me  yan  tee."  "  Bring  me  a  cup 
of  coffee  and  a  roll,"  Lowell  continued. 
"Bring  me  yan  tee,"  echoed  the  tramp. 
Then  the  American  determined  he 
would  get  something  more  from  his 
vis-a-vis,  so  he  said,  "  Bring  me  a  boot- 
jack." "Bring  me  yan  tee,"  the  tramp 
said.  "  Why  what  on  earth  do  you  want 
with  a  bootjack,  you  barefooted  tramp  ? " 
asked  Lowell.  "  Gan  o  way,  ye  fule," 
returned  the  tramp.  "  D'ye  think  I 
canna'  eat  a  bootjack  as  well  as  ye?" 

WALTER  Savage  Landor  was  one  of 
the  most  absent-minded  of  men. 
One  thing  he  was  very  apt  to  do  was  to 
arrive  at  a  friend's  house  without  the 
key  of  his  valise.  One  day,  however, 
he  was  resolved  he  would  conquer  his 
failing,  so  he  placed  the  key  in  his  pocket 
before  starting  to  make  a  two  days'  visit. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


and  on  the  journey  he  took  out  the  key 
a  dozen  times  to  make  sure  that  it  was 
safe.  He  reached  his  destination,  and 
exclaimed  proudly,  "  See,  I  have  the  key 
this  time ! "  But,  alas,  he  had  got  the 
key,  but  not  the  valise ;  he  had  left  that 
behind  in  his  library. 

When  he  wrote  his  first  well-known 
book.  Count  Julian,  he  took  a  quan- 
tity of  blank  paper  to  his  publisher  in- 
stead of  the  manuscript,  and  it  was  with 
difficulty  that  he  could  be  made  to  see 
his  mistake.  In  the  same  way  he  wrote 
on  the  first  page  of  his  manuscript  of 
The  Hellenics,  *'The  Walter  Savage 
Landor,  by  the  Hellenics."  At  a  public 
dinner  he  rose  to  respond  to  the  toast, 
"  Our  Absent  Friend,"  and  made  a  speech 
which  was  intended  as  a  response  to  the 
toast  of  "Literature." 

OF  Lord  Lytton  it  is  related  that 
one  day  when,  lost  in  thought,  he 
entered  the  carriage  with  Lady  Lytton, 
he  was  asked  by  her,  **  Do  you  know 
what  you  did  when  you  came  out?"  *'  I 
have  not  the  slightest  idea,"  replied  the 
ambassador.  "You  kissed  all  the  maid 
servants !  "  Lady  Lytton  said.  The  aston- 
ishing information  made  no  impression 


83 


Some  amusing 
eccenlricities 


Lytton 


The  Ambassador 
kisses  the  maid 
ser-vants 


8 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Letter 

Lady   Curzon 
deli'vcrs  a  keen 
thrust  to  an  ill- 
bred  member  of 
the  British 
aristocracy 


On  one  band 

a  budding 

funny  man,  on 

the  other  a 

Socialist 


upon  the  absent-minded  diplomat  for 
some  time,  but  at  last  he  answered, 
**  Let  us  hope  there  were  some  pretty 
ones  among  them  !  " 

LADY  Curzon,  wife  of  the  ex- Vice- 
roy of  India,  was  possessed  of  a  ready 
wit.  As  Miss  Leiter  she  was  noted  for 
her  haughty  and  reserved  manner.  Be- 
fore her  marriage  she  met  at  a  dinner  a 
rather  ill-bred  member  of  the  British 
aristocracy.  It  chanced  that  several 
titled  dames  of  American  birth  were 
present,  and  Miss  Leiter's  neighbor  re- 
marked rather  superciliously: 

"  I  suppose  you  are  not  used  to  titles  ? 
There  is  no  aristocracy  in  the  United 
States,  is  there?" 

"No,"  came  the  prompt  reply.  Then 
looking  round  the  table,  she  continued, 
significantly,  *'  It  takes  all  the  money  of 
our  millionaires  to  support  your  aristoc- 
racy!" 

JUST  after  Andrew  Lang  had  begun  to 
play  golf  he  was  a  guest  at  a  dinner. 
The  meal  was  faultless,  but  Mr.  Lang's 
enjoyment  was  spoiled  by  having,  as  he 
put  it,  *'a  budding  funny  man  on  the 
one  hand  and  a  diabolically  deaf  Social- 
ist on  the  other."    "  I  could  not,"  added 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


the  famous  author  and  critic,  **  tell  which 
of  the  two  was  the  more  mournful 
companion."  Two  weeks  later  it  came 
out  that  the  Socialist  was  not  deaf;  that 
he  had  come  to  the  dinner  prepared  to 
be  bored  by  less  learned  guests ;  that  he 
had  been  seated  by  the  side  of  "  an  idi- 
otic middle-aged  gentleman  who  did 
nothing  but  talk  of  golf,"  and  that  to 
proted:  himself  he  had  feigned  deafness 
which  kept  his  neighbor  shouting! 

THE  MAD  poet,  Nathaniel  Lee,  used 
to  say  that  **it  is  very  difficult  to 
write  like  a  madman,  but  very  easy  to 
write  like  a  fool." 

FRED  Leslie,  the  popular  comedian, 
is  particularly  brilliant  at  repartee. 
On  his  voyage  out  to  Australia  he  was 
terribly  bored  by  a  fellow-passenger,  an 
Australian.  He  had  in  the  most  irrita- 
ting manner  extolled  everything  con- 
nected with  his  native  land  and  had 
finished  up  with  a  rhapsody  on  the  fine 
physique  of  the  men.  Rather  discourte- 
ously, but  with  ready  wit,  the  aitor  re- 
plied, **Well,  you  ought  to  be  a  fine 
race,  for  many  of  your  fathers  were  sent 
out  by  the  best  judges  in  the  old  coun- 
try."    This  reference  to   the  fad:  that 


8 


Lee, 

Nathaniel 

Easy  enough  to 
•write  like  a  fool 

Leslie 


Fred  Leslie 
scores  one  on  an 
Australian  bore 


8  6      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Lever 

Nat'fve  ivit  of 
the  old  sod 


Siuiti  his  post 

tvithout  lewve 

and  meets  his 

chief  at  dinner 


Australia  had  been  a  penal  colony  efFedtu- 
ally  silenced  the  Australian. 

CHARLES  Lever  used  to  tell  a  story 
which  never  got  into  any  of  his 
novels.  During  a  visit  to  Mayo,  he 
stayed  for  a  time  at  the  Sound  Hotel, 
Achill.  As  the  domestic  brought  in  the 
teapot  one  morning,  her  hand  shook 
violently,  and  Lever,  noticing  the  in- 
firmity, said,  "I'm  sorry  to  see,  Biddy, 
that  you  have  a  weakness  in  your  hand." 
**  Faix,  yer  honor,"  she  replied,  "you'll 
soon  find  that  it  isn't  in  my  hand  the 
wakeness  is,  but  inside,  in  the  taypot !  " 
Sure  enough,  the  decoction  in  the  tea- 
pot was  not  remarkable  for  its  strength. 
"Yes,  Biddy,"  Lever  said,  subsequently, 
"  the  tea  was  decidedly  pale.  How  was 
that?"  "Oh,  thin,  I  don't  know,  yer 
honor,"  replied  Biddy,  "except  it  saw 
a  ghost! " 

Lever  was  at  one  time  British  Consul 
at  Trieste.  He  once  forgot  to  ask  for 
leave  of  absence,  when  he  wanted  to 
return  to  London  with  his  daughter. 
The  very  first  evening  he  met  his  chief. 
Lord  Clarendon,  at  dinner.  "Ah,  Mr. 
Lever,"  said  Clarendon,  "  I  didn't  know 
you  were  in  England !  In  fa6t,  I  was  not 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


87 


even  aware  that  you  had  asked  for  leave 
from  Trieste."  **No  —  o,  my  lord," 
stammered  the  noveUst,  **  I  thought  it 
would  be  more  respectful  to  your  lord- 
ship for  me  to  apply  for  it  in  person!" 

JENNIE  Lee,  the  adlress  who  made  such 
a  success  of  *'Jo,"  was  playing  in 
Scotland.  She  was  in  the  midst  of  the 
long  and  harrowing  death  scene  of  poor 
Jo.  The  stage  was  darkened,  and  the 
lime-light  illumined  the  pale  features 
of  the  death-stricken  boy.  People  were 
sobbing  all  over  the  house.  Suddenly, 
to  her  consternation.  Miss  Lee  heard 
the  lime-light  man  addressing  her  in  a 
brawny  Scotch  whisper,  audible  to  half 
the  house  :  "  Dee  quick.  Miss  Lee,  dee 
quick,"  he  roared  softly;  *' the  lime- 
light's gaen  oot !  "  She  did  '*  dee  quick," 
but  it  was  for  the  purpose  of  making  a 
speech  to  that  lime-light  man  which  he 
said  he  would  never  forget. 

The  late  Sir  Frank  Lockwood,  one 
of  the  best-known  and  best-liked 
of  modern  English  barristers,  had  the 
charadier  of  only  defending  cases  where 
he  could  honestly  assume  the  prisoner's 
innocence.  On  one  occasion,  after  suc- 
cessfully defending  a  prisoner  who  had 


Lee,  Jennie 

Jennie  Lee  is 
urged  to  "  dee 
quick 


Lockwood 

Sir  Frank 
Locktvood  ivins 
on  a  carefully 
iele£led  alibi 


8  8      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


T 


Labouchere 

Labouchere^  a 

man  of  infinite 

jest,  plays  a  keen 

J  oke  on  some  o-ver- 

solic  itousfrie  n  ds 


pleaded  an  alibi,  he  was  met  by  the 
judge,  who  said,  "Well,  Lockwood, 
that  was  a  very  good  alibi."  "Yes,  my 
lord,"  was  the  answer,  "I  had  three 
suggested  to  me,  and  I  think  I  seledied 
the  best." 

HENRY  Labouchere,  M.  P.,  and 
editor  of  the  London  Truths  has 
played  many  parts  in  his  time.  He  is 
the  nephew  of  a  peer  and  the  brother- 
in-law  of  a  prelate,  yet  he  has  been  the 
consistent  advocate  of  the  abolition  of 
the  House  of  Lords  and  the  disestablish- 
ment of  the  State  Church.  He  is  a 
man  of  infinite  jest  and  a  great  traveler. 
There  is  a  good  story  told  of  him  when 
he  visited  Buffalo  many  years  ago.  He 
was  even  then  popular,  being  connedled 
with  the  British  embassy.  The  people 
staying  at  the  hotel  complained  that 
Mr.  Labouchere  never  dined  in  the  pub- 
lic dining-room.  The  landlord  advised  a 
deputation  to  his  English  visitor,  and 
the  suggestion  was  adopted. 

"Well,  gentlemen,"  said  Labouchere, 
twirling  his  cigarette,  then  a  novelty  in 
the  pleasures  of  smoking,  "  it  is  like 
this, —  I  always  like  to  dine  in  my  shirt- 
sleeves." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


8 


"  Oh,"  replied  one  of  the  deputation, 
"if  that's  your  only  objection,  never 
mind  it  a  bit.  We  shall  be  only  too 
glad  to  have  you  anyhow." 

Mr.  Labouchere,  having  thoughtfully 
ruminated  for  a  moment,  said : 

"Well,  gentlemen,  I  will  join  you 
tonight.  But  you  must  not  mind  my 
eccentricities,  you  must  take  me  as  I  am." 

"  We  will,  we  will !  "  they  responded. 

On  leaving  the  room  they  agreed  to 
meet  their  guest  as  he  would  meet  them. 
They  thought  it  would  place  him  at  his 
ease.  The  hour  for  the  special  dinner 
arrived,  and  Mr.  Labouchere  was  five 
minutes  late.  When  he  entered  he  was 
faultlessly  dressed  in  a  swallow-tail  suit, 
and,  as  he  expected,  his  hosts  were  either 
in  their  shirt-sleeves  or  else  in  loung- 
ing-jackets.  The  tableau  can  well  be 
imagined. 

When  he  was  an  attache  of  the  em- 
bassy at  Berne,  Switzerland,  he  received 
an  order  to  report  at  St.  Petersburg. 
He  quitted  Berne  and  walked  into  the 
embassy  in  about  six  weeks'  time. 

*'  I  have  been  expediing  you  for  six 
weeks,"  said  the  secretary.  "Where 
have  you  been,  sir?" 


He  lualks  from 

Berne  to 

Ht.  Petersburg 


o      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Mistaken  for 
0'  Meagher,  the 

Irish  patriot, 

and  treated  to  a 

fine  dinner 


*' I  have  been  coming  all  the  time," 
was  the  meek  reply.  *'  My  letter  said 
nothing  how  I  was  to  reach  St.  Peters- 
burg, and  there  was  no  order  for  a  rail- 
road ticket,  so  I  thought  the  foreign 
office  expelled  me  to  walk,  and  I  have 
walked." 

While  attached  to  the  embassy  at 
Washington,  Mr.  Labouchere,  then  a 
young  cadet,  found  himself  hungry  and 
penniless  in  New  York,  and  waiting  for 
a  remittance.  He  was  not  known  at  the 
consulate,  and  had  no  money  to  com- 
municate with  Washington.  Looking 
into  the  window  of  a  restaurant,  he 
sele(5ted  a  dinner  without  knowing  how 
he  was  to  settle  the  bill.  The  proprie- 
tor, an  Irishman,  hustled  the  waiters  to 
supply  the  guest's  wants.  But  the  pro- 
prietor absolutely  refused  to  take  the 
modest  order  of  the  young  cadet,  and 
pushed  before  him  a  regular  course  din- 
ner with  a  bottle  of  the  choicest  wine. 

"I  expostulated  with  him,"  said  Mr. 
Labouchere,  "  but  he  only  laughed.  I 
thought  him  a  fool,  and  I  knew  that  he 
could  not  make  me  pay  the  bill,  even 
if  I  had  the  money,  so  I  ate  and  drank 
and    felt    much    better.     A    line    cigar 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


followed,  and  I  felt  better  still.  I  asked 
for  the  bill.  The  landlord  looked  at  me 
in  amazement: 

"*Bill ! '  he  exclaimed,  *sure,  I  couldn't 
give  a  bill  to  the  great  O'Meagher,  the 
Oirish  patriot.  Whin  I  saw  you  honor- 
ing my  poor  window  wid  your  glorious 
face,  I  felt  that  the  greatest  honor  that 
ever  could  come  to  me  would  be  for 
the  great  O'Meagher  to  enter  my  house.' 
I  shook  him  by  the  hand  and  walked 
out  without  a  word." 

THERE  is  a  good  story  told  of  Rear- 
Admiral  Stephen  B.  Luce.  As  a 
young  man,  he  was  extremely  popular 
with  the  smart  set  at  Newport.  On  the 
same  ship  with  him  was  a  very  stern 
disciplinarian  who  was  always  on  the 
lookout  for  some  dereliction  of  duty. 
One  evening  Luce,  after  a  round  of 
pleasures,  met  this  martinet,  who  re- 
marked sharply,  "  Mr.  Luce,  you're 
tight."  **  Pardon  me,"  was  the  quick 
retort,  **if  Stephen  B.  Luce,  how  can 
he  be  tight,  sir?" 


Luce 

Hozv  could 
Stephen  B.  light 


1 

9  2 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

1 

Moody 

Gladstone  and 

Moody  exchange 

compliments 

Mason 

The  Scotch 

Presbyterian 

minister  is  a  man 

of  ivit  and  a 

keen  judge  of 

horse-flesb 

''Better  eat  onions  all  thy  life 
than  dine  upon  geese  and 
chickens  once  and  then  long 
in  vain  for  more  ever  after.' 

\  T  THE  first  meeting  between  Mr. 
£\.  Gladstone  and  the  great  evangelist, 
Mr.  Moody,  the  former  was  struck  with 
admiration  of  the  American's  magnifi- 
cent   physique.     **I    wish    I    had    your 
shoulders !  "  said  the  statesman.  To  this, 
without  a  pause,   Mr.   Moody  replied, 
*' I  wish  I  had  your  head!" 

f  1  ^HE   Rev.  Dr.  Mason,  many  years 
X     pastor  of  the  Scotch  Presbyterian 
Church,  New  York,  was  not  only  very 
eloquent,  but  witty.    He  was  very  fond 
of  animals  and   disliked  to  see  old  or 
crippled  horses  being  worked.    One  day 
a  brother   minister,  who  was  thinking 
of  buying    a  horse,  stopped    him    and 
asked  what  he  thought  of  the  animal 
he  was  then    driving.     Dr.   Mason  ex- 
amined   the  horse  long   and  carefully, 
expressing,  by   inarticulate   sounds,    his 
approval  or  disapproval  of  the  different 
points.      At    last    he    pointed    to    the 

1 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


animars  knees,  and  said,  "Those  bent 
knees  would  be  a  good  sign  for  the 
minister  but  they  are  a  decidedly  bad 
one  for  the  minister's  horse!" 

THE  LATE  Cardinal  Manning's  keen 
wit  was  often  used  to  impress  a 
moral  warning.  "What  are  you  going 
to  do  in  life?"  he  once  asked  a  very 
frivolous  undergraduate  at  Oxford.  "  Oh, 
I'm  going  to  take  holy  orders!"  was 
the  flippant  reply.  "  Take  care  that  you 
get  them,  my  son!"  admonished  the 
cardinal. 

LORD  Macaulay  was  once  at  a  polit- 
ical meeting,  at  the  time  when 
rival  candidates  addressed  the  voters 
from  the  same  platform,  or  hustings. 
During  the  proceedings  Macaulay  was 
violently  struck  by  a  dead  cat.  The 
man  who  threw  it  immediately  apolo- 
gized, saying  he  had  meant  it  for  his 
opponent.  "Well,  my  friend,"  said 
Macaulay,  "  I  wish  you  had  meant  it 
for  me  and  struck  him ! " 

Macaulay  was  exceedingly  quick  at 
rhyming,  and  one  day  after  dinner 
challenged  any  one  to  give  him  two 
words,  to  which  he  was  to  find  others  to 
rhyme  within   three  minutes.     A   lady 


9  3 


Manning 

The  Cardinal 
admonishes  a 
fri-volous 
undergraduate 


Macaulay 

MisdireBed 
■zeal 


Macaulay  ivas 
equal  to  the  task 


94 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Marriott 

No  occasion  for 
an  apology 


Mario 

^pretty  operatic 
anecdote 


gave  him  *'Timbud:oo"  and  "mission- 
ary," both  very  difficult  words  for  rhym- 
ing, but  the  poet  and  historian  was  equal 
to  the  task,  for  within  the  prescribed 
time  he  had  written: 

"  I  would  I  were  a  cassowary 

Upon  the  plains  of  Timbudoo; 
I  vow  I'd  eat  a  missionary, 

Skin  and  bones,  and  hymn-book  too." 

THE  Rev.  Charles  Marriott  was 
the  great  saint  of  the  Tradtarian 
movement  at  Oxford.  A  brother-fellow 
of  Oriel  College  had  behaved  rather 
outrageously  at  dinner  one  night,  and, 
coming  out  of  chapel  the  next  morn- 
ing, essayed  to  apologize  to  Marriott. 
"I'm  afraid  I  made  rather  a  fool  of 
myself  last  night,"  he  said  in  a  low 
voice.  **  My  dear  fellow,  I  assure  you  I 
observed  nothing  unusual!"  was  Mar- 
riott's answer. 

GRisi's  alliance  with  Mario,  Marquis 
of  Candia,  is  the  basis  of  a  pretty 
operatic  anecdote.  Meeting  the  prima 
donna  with  her  children  one  day  in  St. 
Petersburg,  the  Czar  Nicholas  gallantly 
asked  if  they  were  "little  Grisettes." 
"No,  your  Majesty,"  replied  Grisi  with 
a  bow,  "they  are  little  Marionettes." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


MARTIN,  who  painted  "  Belshazzar's 
Feast"  and  other  notable  paint- 
ings, always  lamented  that  he  was  a 
painter.  He  called,  even  his  best  works, 
**  pot-boilers,"  and  wondered  why  the 
people  went  in  raptures  over  his  paint- 
ings while  they  laughed  at  his  poetry. 
He  published  a  little  volume  of  **  poems," 
which  he  thought  the  grandest  ever 
penned.    This  is  a  specimen: 

"  The  Creation  of  the  world, 

Likewise  Adam  and  Eve,  we  know 
Made  by  the  great  God,  from 
Whom  all  blessings  flow." 

When  Martin  exhibited  his  painting 
of**  The  Deluge  "  at  the  Royal  Academy, 
1826,  George  Canning,  the  statesman, 
took  a  friend  to  see  it.  The  ark  was  rep- 
resented in  the  middle  distance;  in  the 
foresea  an  elephant  was  seen  struggling 
with  his  fate.  **  I  wonder,"  said  the 
friend,  **  that  the  elephant  did  not  secure 
an  inside  place  in  the  ark."  **He  was 
too  late,"  replied  Canning;  **he  was 
busy  packing  up  his  trunk." 

Two  NON-coMMissioNED  officers  of 
the  Royal  Engineers  were  strolling 
through  the  Royal  Academy,  when  they 
came  to  a    pid:ure  by   **John    Everett 


9  5 


Martin 

The  famous 
painter  laments 
that  he  is  not 
a  poet 


George  Canning 
takes  a  friend  to 
the  Royal 
Academy 


Millais 

Millais  of  the 
Royal  Artillery 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Mansfield, 
Lord 

On  the 

uncertainty  of 
the  laiu 


The  little 

barrister  is 

enraged 


Macready 

A  device  that 
fails 


Millais,  R.  A."  "Millais,  R.  A.,  said 
one  of  the  sappers.  "Sapper"  is,  as 
every  one  knows,  the  petit  nom  of  the 
engineers,  as  "  gunner  "  is  of  the  artillery. 
"Do  you  know  him?  Who  is  he?" 
"  Haven't  any  idea ;  but  it's  just  like  the 
impudence  of  those  gunners !  They  even 
think  they  can  paint  picStures!"  They 
had  mistaken  the  letters  "  R.  A."  for 
"Royal  Artillery." 

ONE  OF  England's  greatest  judges.  Lord 
William  Murray  Mansfield,  once 
said  that  the  law  was  so  uncertain  that 
if  any  one  claimed  one  of  his  fields  he 
would  give  it  to  him  rather  than  face  a 
lawsuit. 

"Frog"  Morgan,  a  barrister  of  very 
diminutive  size,  had  commenced  an  ar- 
gument before  Lord  Mansfield,  when 
the  judge,  not  aware  of  his  small  stature, 
called  upon  him  repeatedly  to  get  up. 
"My  lord,  I  am  up,"  screamed  out  the 
little  man,  "and  I  have  been  up  these 
ten  minutes! " 

LADY  Martin,  better  known  as  Helen 
Faucit,  tells  of  an  amusing  incident 
occurring  one  evening  when  Macready 
was  playing  Macbeth  to  her  Lady  Mac- 
beth.   The  ad:or  who  played  the  part 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


97 


of  the  murderer  persisted  in  coming  too 
near  Macbeth,  so  Macready  had  a  brass 
nail  knocked  into  the  stage,  beyond 
which  the  other  was  not  to  come.  That 
night  the  murderer  came  on,  and,  while 
scanning  the  stage,  was  mute.  "  What's 
the  matter  with  you  ? "  hissed  Macready. 
"Why  don't  you  speak,  man?"  "I'm 
looking  for  your  infernal  nail !  "  was  the 
answer. 

A  VOLUME  could  be  filled  with  the 
unconscious  humor  of  the  cele- 
brated adtor,  Richard  Mansfield.  He 
has  no  intention  to  be  "funny,"  in  fad; 
would  treat  such  a  suggestion  as  an  in- 
sult, and  yet  perhaps  no  man  before 
the  public  has  occasioned  more  laugh- 
ter at  his  own  expense  than  this  native 
of  Heligoland.  When  Mansfield  placed 
Don  Juan  in  rehearsal,  he  selected  a  com- 
pany which  for  histrionic  ability  stood 
unrivaled.  He  treated  the  members  so 
cavalierly  that  several  resigned.  One 
day  he  was  reading  certain  lines  to  the 
company,  when  an  a6tor,  suffering  from 
a  cold,  had  the  temerity  to  cough.  Don 
Juan's  ire  was  roused.  "Sir,"  said  he, 
"  no  gentleman  would  cough  while  I  am 
reading.   Where  were  you  brought  up  ? " 


Mansfield, 
Richard 

The  unconscious 
humor  of 
Richard 
Mansfield 


8      IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


McKinley 

The 

late  President^  s 

cle-ver  retort 

con-vulses  the 

court 


McAdam 

An  apt  and 
timely  epigram 


The  learned 

Judge  becomes 

impatient 


THE  LATE  President  William  Mc- 
Kinley was  very  quick  and  ready 
with  an  answer  to  an  opponent,  whether 
in  the  courts  or  on  the  platform.  Once 
when  he  was  practicing  in  the  court  at 
Canton,  he  was  pleading  for  mitigation 
of  sentence  on  a  prisoner  in  most  elo- 
quent language,  when  the  judge  stopped 
him,  saying,  "  You  cannot  tell  me  that 
two  blacks  make  a  white,  Mr.  McKin- 
ley." "They  may  sometimes,  your 
Honor."  "How  is  that?  Please  explain, 
sir."  "A  pair  of  black  Spanish  fowls 
may  be  the  parents  of  a  white  ^gg.'' 
The  reply  convulsed  the  court. 

JUDGE  McAdam  interrupted  a  very 
prolix  counsel  with,  "Time  for 
luncheon,  counselor,"  and  then  looking 
at  the  jury,  added,  "  I  am  not  the  Adam 
ol  the  catechism,  by  whom  all  men  die, 
but  an  Adam  by  whom  some  may  dine." 
On  one  occasion  he  was  trying  a 
divorce  case,  when  the  lawyer,  who  ap- 
peared for  the  w4fe  who  was  the  plaintiff, 
continually  repeated,  "And  yet,  your 
Honor,  God  hath  joined  them."  The 
learned  judge  grew  impatient  and  at  last 
interrupted  him  by  asking,  "Was  this 
couple  joined    in  church?"    On  being 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


99 


answered  in  the  affirmative,  he  said, 
**  And  yet  you  ask  me  to  contradid:  the 
solemn  words  of  the  marriage  service 
and  put  them  asunder." 

THE  English  Court  of  Chancery  is 
not,  as  a  rule,  a  very  amusing 
resort,  but  the  late  Vice-Chancellor 
Malins  was  always  able  to  command  a 
fairly  "good  house"  whenever  he  had 
opportunity.  At  one  time  when  Vice- 
Chancellor  Bacon  was  one  of  his  col- 
leagues, Malins  had  before  him  a  case 
in  which  one  of  the  parties  was  of  that 
order  particularly  obnoxious  to  the  legal 
mind,  namely,  a  cranky  litigant.  In 
delivering  judgment,  the  Vice-Chancel- 
lor felt  himself  constrained  to  take  a 
view  adverse  to  the  claims  set  up  by 
this  individual,  who  determined  to 
avenge  himself  for  w^hat  he  chose  to 
call  a  miscarriage  of  justice.  The  morn- 
ing after  the  judgment,  he  presented 
himself  in  court,  and  taking  aim  from 
amid  the  bystanders  hurled  a  rather 
ancient  egg  at  the  head  of  the  judge, 
Vice-Chancellor  Malins,  by  adroitly 
ducking,  managed  to  avoid  the  missile, 
which  malodorously  discharged  itself  at 
a    safe    distance     from     its    target.     **  I 


Malins 

The 

J^ice-  Chancellor 
tjualifies  as  a 
judicial  luit 


I  o  o 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


And  adroitly 
a-voids  the  egg 
*'■  intended  for 
Brother  Bacon 


think,"  observed  Sir  Richard  MaHns, 
almost  grateful  in  spite  of  the  lese 
majeste  for  so  apt  an  opportunity  of 
qualifying  as  a  judicial  wit,  ,**  I  think 
that  Q^^  must  have  been  intended  for 
my  brother  Bacon." 


1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

I    O    I 

1 

There  is  as  much  difference 
between  vivacity  and  wit^  as 
there  is  between  lightning  and 
a  lightning-bug. 

Nott 

Thomas  Nott 
enters  the 
Eccentric  Club 
of  London 

Nye 

Bill  Nye  has  a 
little  fun  ivitb 
Senator  Shirley 
of  Maine 

^  1  ^HOMAS  NoTT,  a  member  of  the  far- 
JL     famed  Eccentric  Club  of  London, 
whose   members   were    required    to    be 
guilty  of  some  glaring  eccentricity,  mar- 
ried a  beautiful  girl  bearing  the  name  of 
Burnitt.     At  the  first  meeting  of  the  club 
he  attended  after  his  marriage,  he  was 
condemned  to   write  a  verse  of  rhyme 
introducing  his  own  and  bride's  name. 
With  but  little   hesitation  he   wrote  as 
follows : 

"Burn  it,"  cried  Nott,  "it  makes  me  smile. 
As  well  as  feverish  and  hot. 
My  wife,  she  loves  me  all  the  while. 
Yet  still  declares  she  loveth — Nott!" 

1^>DGAR    W.   Nye,    better    known    as 
\^j  Bill  Nye,  was  once  chatting  with 
Senator  Shirley  of  Maine,  and  remarked 
that  he,  Nye,  had  been  born  at  Shirley, 
in  the  senator's  State,   adding  that  the 
town  had  doubtless  been  named  for  one 
of   the    senator's    ancestors.    "  I    didn't 

I  o  2    IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


And  Rihy  playi 

a  keen  joke  on 

bis  /enuring 

partner 


know,"  said  Shirley,  "that  there  was 
such  a  town  in  Maine  as  Shirley."  "  I 
didn't  know  it,  either,"  Nye  replied, 
"until  I  was  born  there!" 

James  Whitcomb  Riley  tells  an  amus- 
ing story  of  his  former  lecturing  part- 
ner. It  was  the  opening  of  their  joint 
season.  The  summer  had  been  spent 
among  the  hills  or  by  the  seashore  and 
both  were  well  tanned.  Riley  suggested 
that  the  color  did  not  look  well  for 
Nye,  with  his  bald  head,  and  suggested 
the  application  of  some  "  liquid  white," 
a  cosmetic  much  used  by  the  fair  sex  in 
the  profession.  Nye,  never  having  used 
any  before,  filled  the  palm  of  his  hand 
with  the  liquid  and  smeared  it  all  over 
his  face.  There  being  no  mirror  in  the 
primitive  dressing-room  at  the  hall,  he 
had  no  chance  to  see  that  the  white 
had  dried  like  whitewash,  and  when 
Nye  appeared  before  the  audience  he 
was  a  sight  to  behold.  His  bald  head 
was  red,  his  face  like  the  frosted  top  of 
a  cake.  The  audience  shrieked  with 
laughter.  Never  had  Nye  made  such  a 
hit.  He  could  scarcely  open  his  mouth, 
for  the  laughter  shook  the  very  build- 
ing.   When  he  had  completed  his  first 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


number  the  audience  demanded  his  re- 
appearance. Again  and  again  he  had 
to  appear,  until  he  began  to  think  it 
was  not  fair  to  Riley.  Again  he  was 
called  for,  and  he  was  about  to  make 
one  more  appearance  on  the  stage  when 
Mrs.  Nye,  who  had  been  in  front,  caught 
hold  of  him  in  the  wings  and  demanded 
in  a  very  matronly  voice  what  he  had 
got  on  his  face.  **  Nothing  but  my  usual 
expression,"  he  replied  with  a  smile. 
"  Expression !  Fiddlesticks !  You  are  a 
fright,  Edgar."  She  produced,  from  her 
reticule,  a  small  mirror  and  bade  her 
witty  husband  look  at  himself.  He  did  so, 
and  knew  then  that  he  had  been  a  vid:im 
of  Riley's  joking.  When  he  appeared 
later,  with  his  face  washed,  and  his 
** usual  expression"  removed,  he  was  re- 
ceived very  coldly  by  the  audience,  who 
thought  they  were  being  cheated  out  of 
their  fun. 


THE  NOTORIOUS  "hanging"  judge, 
Lord  Norbury,  was  famous  for  his 
brilliant  repartees,  but  he  once  was  a 
victim  of  a  really  witty  one.  He  was 
riding  with  Parsons,  one  of  the  com- 
missioners of  the  Irish  Insolvency  Court, 
when,  passing  a  gibbet,  Norbury  said, 


°  3 


Mn.  Nye  to  the 
rescue 


Norbury 

Parsons 
chuckled  lait 


0  4    IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Norfolk 

Lord  Thurloiu 
lays  an  egg 


with  a  chuckle,  "  Parsons,  where  would 
you  be  now  if  the  gallows  had  its  due? " 
"Riding  alone,  Norbury ! "  Parsons 
answered  quickly  and  unexpectedly. 

THE  LATE  Duke  of  Norfolk,  father 
of  the  present  duke,  was  once 
strangely  embarrassed  at  the  breakfast- 
table.  A  large  house  party  had  gathered 
together  at  Arundel  Castle  and  the  duke 
was  entertaining,  as  he  could  so  well  do. 
The  butler  entered  the  breakfast-room 
rather  hurriedly  and  evidently  very  ex- 
cited. "  Your  Grace  —  may  it  please 
your  Grace,"  he  said,  trying  to  attrad: 
the  attention  of  his  ducal  master.  "  What 
is  it?"  "May  it  please  your  Grace, 
Lord  Thurlow  has  laid  an  ^gg."  "  You 
don't  say  so."  "Yes,  your  Grace."  An 
explanation  was  due  his  guests,  and  the 
duke  told  how,  some  time  before,  the 
daughter  of  Lord  Thurlow,  in  looking  at 
the  valuable  collection  of  owls  which 
the  duke  possessed,  stopped  before  one 
of  the  cages,  and,  looking  at  the  blink- 
ing bird,  said,  "Why,  he's  just  like 
papa."  The  bird  was  ever  after  called 
"  Lord  Thurlow." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


''Thy  friend  has  a  friend ^ 
and  thy  friend'^s  friend  has 
a  friend  I  be  discreet ^ 


JOHN  Opie,  one  of  the  greatest  painters 
of  the  century,  was  asked  by  an 
admiring  lady,  **  With  what  do  you  mix 
your  paints,  Mr.  Opie?"  "Brains,  mad- 
am," was  his  epigrammatic  reply. 

He  had  a  cousin  of  the  same  name 
who  was  a  preacher,  and  a  prosy  one 
at  best.  One  Sunday  he  went  to  hear 
him  preach,  but  during  the  sermon  fell 
asleep.  The  preacher  noticed  it  and 
mentioned  the  fad:  at  the  dinner-table. 
"  It  is  true,"  said  the  painter,  "but  how 
could  I  help  it  under  the  influence  of 
such  an  Opieate?" 

DANIEL  O'CoNNELL,  the  Irish  liber- 
ator, was  a  man  of  infinite  jest. 
He  was  ever  ready  with  a  witty  reply, 
no  matter  what  might  be  the  subject 
under  discussion ;  but  he  also  possessed 
a  power  of  vituperative  speech  which 
has  never  been  equaled.  England  will 
never  forget  that  speech  against  Ben- 
jamin Disraeli,  which,  after  lauding  the 
Jews,  declared  that   *'  there  were  some 


I    O 


opie 

A  bint  to  the 
profeision 


An  Opieate 
sermon 


0'  Conne// 

The  Irish 
liberator''  i 
famous  speech 
against  Disraeli 


I  o  6 


And  bis 

extraordinary 

apology 


O'  Gorman 

Irish  zuit  and 
repartee  in 
Parliament 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


miscreants  amongst  them,  however,  also, 
and  it  must  certainly  have  been  from 
one  of  these  that  Disraeli  descended. 
He  possesses  just  the  qualities  of  the 
impenitent  thief  who  died  upon  the 
cross,  whose  name,  I  verily  believe, 
must  have  been  Disraeli.  For  aught  I 
know,  the  present  Disraeli  is  descended 
from  him,  and  with  the  impression  that 
he  is,  I  now  forgive  the  heir-at-law  of 
the  blasphemous  thief  who  died  upon 
the  cross." 

On  one  occasion  O'Connell,  in  the 
heat  of  debate,  said  that  Disraeli  was  not 
fit  to  wheel  dung  from  a  dunghill.  He 
was  called  to  order  by  the  speaker  and 
ordered  to  make  an  apology.  With 
calm  exterior,  unruffled  brow,  he  stuck 
his  hand  in  his  breast,  and  said :  "  I 
certainly  owe  the  honorable  member 
an  apology.  I  said  he  was  not  fit  to 
wheel  dung  from  a  dunghill.  I  apolo- 
gize, he  is  fit."  The  house  was  con- 
vulsed with  laughter  and  the  apology 
was  allowed  to  stand. 

NEVER  did  a  more  thorough  Irish- 
man, racy  of  the  soil,  represent  a 
portion  of  that  "Beautiful  Isle  of  the 
Sea,"   than  Major    Pursell    O'Gorman. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


He  was  witty,  eloquent,  quick  at  repar- 
tee, never  losing  his  equanimity,  ready 
to  fight  a  duel  or  drink  a  convivial 
glass  with  any  one  at  any  time.  During 
one  of  the  debates  in  Parliament  on  some 
Irish  subjedt,  an  irate  English  member 
jumped  to  his  feet  and  in  a  loud  and 
angry  voice  asked,  "Why  are  Irishmen 
always  laying  bare  their  grievances? 
Quick  as  a  flash  O'Gorman  shouted 
across  the  floor  of  the  House,  "  Because 
they  want  them  redressed,"  a  reply  which 
brought  down  the  House. 

On  one  occasion  O'Gorman  was  first 
in  the  committee-room,  which  was 
extraordinary,  for  he  was  notorious  for 
being  late.  When  the  other  members 
came  in  he  said  with  the  gravest  lace: 
"  I  am  first  at  last.  I  have  always  been 
behind  before !  "  And  he  wondered  why 
they  smiled. 

His  autograph  was  like  himself,  very 
erratic  and  never  twice  alike.  When 
asked  why  he  did  not  adhere  to  one 
style  of  signature,  he  answered  that  it 
was  to  prevent  his  signature  being  forged. 
He  had  an  account  at  a  local  bank  in  Ire- 
land and  never  signed  a  check  twice  the 
same  way,   but    he  would   indorse    the 


107 


The  Major  it 
fint  at  latt 


His  -very  erratic 
autograph 


I  o  8 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


He  rebukes  an 

M.  P.  ivho  has 

insulted  the 

Irish 


check,  "Signature  guaranteed,"  and 
then  would  write  his  name  exactly  Hke 
his  signature  kept  at  the  bank. 

One  time  a  member  of  Parliament 
uttered  some  very  insulting  remarks 
about  the  Irish  members,  bowing  to 
the  chair  as  he  spoke.  O'Gorman  was 
on  his  feet  in  an  instant  and,  addressing 
the  speaker,  said :  "  The  honorable  gen- 
tleman reminds  me  of  a  countryman  of 
mine  who  was  tossed  over  a  fence  by  a 
bull.  He  turned  and  saw  the  bull  bow- 
ing, just  like  the  honorable  member, 
Mr.  Speaker,  and  Pat,  smiling  as  I  do 
now,  said,  *  If  it  was  not  for  your  bow- 
ing and  scraping,  you  brute,  faix,  I  should 
think  you  insulted  me  on  purpose ! '  " 
Though  the  speech  was  insinuatingly 
personal,  O'Gorman  was  not  called  to 
order,  'perhaps  because  not  one  of  the 
members,  nor  the  speaker  himself,  could 
refrain  from  laughing  long  enough  to 
do  so. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


''The  worW* s  most  royal  her- 
itage is  his  who  most  enjoys^ 
most  loves ^  and  most  forgivesT 


THERE  was  once  a  passage  at  arms 
between  Pope,  the  Bard  of  Twick- 
enham, and  Dean  Swift,  One  day  the 
poet  asked  the  dean  what  the  people  of 
Ireland  thought  of  him.  "They  think," 
said  the  dean,  "  that  you  are  a  great 
poet,  and  a  very  little  man."  Pope  ex- 
claimed passionately,  "And,  Mr.  Dean, 
the  people  of  England  think  quite  the 
reverse  of  you." 

One  day  Sir  Walter  Blunt's  father 
was  in  Pope's  company  and  talking  of 
punning.  Pope  said  that  punning  was 
a  species  of  wit  so  easy  that  he  would 
agree  to  make  one  on  any  proposed 
subject  off-hand,  when  a  lady  in  the 
company  said,  "Well,  Mr.  Pope,  make 
one  on  keel-hauling."  He  instantly 
replied,  "That,  madam,  is  indeed  put- 
ting a  man  under  a  hardship." 

LORD  Palmerston,  the  sporting 
prime  minister  of  a  generation 
since,  in  England,  was  always  fond  of  a 
joke.    On    one    occasion    a    deputation 


09 


Pope 


Honors  about 

even 


Pope  makes  a 
keen  pun  on  a 
hard  suhjefi 


Palmerston 

The  sporting 
Prime  Minister 
has  fun  ivitb  the 
deputation 


I  I  o    IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


The  puritanic 

member 

had  ne-ver  -won 

the  Derby 


waited  on  him  to  urge  the  building,  or 
renting,  of  a  proper  gallery  for  the  pic- 
tures which  had  just  been  bequeathed 
to  the  nation  by  Chantrey.  The  princi- 
pal speaker  said  that  at  present  the  pic- 
tures were  hidden  away  in  a  cellar. 
"  Ah,"  said  Palmerston,  "  I  will  do  what 
I  can !  But  you  must  recolledt  the  old 
saying,  *  Ars  est  celare  artem."'  The 
deputation  left  him,  it  is  stated,  in  high 
good  humor. 

In  the  House  of  Commons,  when 
beset  by  almost  insurmountable  opposi- 
tion, his  wit  would  often  carry  him 
through.  A  very  puritanic  member  had 
been  exceedingly  bitter  in  his  opposi- 
tion and  had  finished  by  observing  that 
he  could  not  imagine  himself  capable 
of  enjoying  greater  happiness  than  by 
the  knowledge  that  Palmerston  had 
been  driven  from  office.  In  replying, 
the  prime  minister  faced  the  Puritan 
and  said  that  it  was  evident  the  honor- 
able member  had  never  realized  the 
great  happiness  of  winning  the  Derby, 
or  he  would  not  have  so  spoken  of 
felicity.  The  happy  remark  brought 
down  the  House,  and  Palmerston  won 
his  point. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I  I  I 


ALTHOUGH  Parsons,  one  of  the  first 
Irish  commissioners  of  insolvency, 
does  not  hold  a  conspicuous  place  in  the 
band  of  brilliant,  witty  and  humorous 
lawyers  and  politicians  who  lived  in 
Dublin  at  the  close  of  the  eighteenth 
century,  he  was  the  originator  of  some 
bright  things.  During  the  rebellion  of 
'98  a  country  gentleman  who  was  sus- 
pedied  of  being  a  rebel  met  Parsons  in 
Dublin.  "  I  hear  it  is  rumored  that  I 
sympathize  with  disloyalty,  but  it  is 
quite  untrue,"  the  squire  protested;  "it 
is  well  known  that  I  have  a  stake  in 
the  country."  "Faith,  if  you  have," 
exclaimed  Parsons,  "  I'd  swear  there's  a 
pike  at  the  end  of  it!" 

DEAN  PiGou  has  told  some  good 
stories  in  his  Memoirs,  many  of 
which  are  unmistakably  new.  He  nar- 
rates how  a  laborer,  discovered  white- 
washing the  cottage  he  had  moved  into, 
explained  to  the  redtor  that  "the  last 
two  couples  in  this  'ere  cottage  'ad  twins ; 
so  I  says  to  my  missus  I'll  tak'  an' 
whitewash  the  place,  so  as  there  mayn't 
be  no  infe(5lion." 

The  dean  happened  to  say,  at  a  din- 
ner party,  when  some  one  had  spoken 


Parsons 

The  Squire 
protests  charges 
of  disloyalty 


Pigou 

He  ivas  taking 
no  chances 


The  shock  ivas 
fatal 


112 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Paderewski 

The  great  pianist 

sends  a  lock  of 

hair  to  a  ivell- 

inoivn  society 

■woman 


Paijie 

Henry  W. 
Paine  deli-vers  a 
brilliant  and 
successful  rebuke 
to  an  incom- 
petent jury 


of  a  lady  of  title  recently  deceased,  that 
she  attended  his  ministry  at  San  Remo. 
"Ah,"  exclaimed  a  guest,  "poor  lady, 
she  was  known  to  be  a  person  of  weak 
intelled:!" 

A  WELL-AUTHENTICATED  anecdote  is 
told  of  the  great  pianist.  A  well- 
known  society  woman  wrote  to  him 
for  "a  lock  of  hair."  She  received  this 
reply :  "  Dear  Madam  —  M.  Paderewski 
directs  me  to  say  that  it  affords  him  much 
pleasure  to  comply  with  your  request. 
You  fail  to  specify  whose  hair  you 
desire,  so  he  sends  samples  of  that  of  his 
valet,  cook,  waiter,  and  also  from  a  mat- 
tress belonging  to  Mr.  Pullman,  proprie- 
tor of  the  coach  in  which  he  traveled 
in  America." 

NOT  LONG  before  his  death  Henry 
W.  Paine,  one  of  the  most  bril- 
liant lawyers  of  his  generation,  became 
interested,  as  a  matter  of  charity,  in  a 
case  in  which  a  lad  of  some  fifteen 
years  was  charged  with  arson.  Paine 
defended  the  boy,  and  otfered  conclusive 
evidence  that  he  was,  to  all  practical 
purposes,  an  idiot  and  therefore  totally 
irresponsible.  Nevertheless  the  jury, 
after    listening   to    a   charge   from    the 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I  I 


3 


court  which  was  virtually  an  order  for 
acquittal,  brought  in  a  verdid:  of  guilty. 
The  presiding  judge  then  addressed 
Paine.  **You  will  move  for  a  new 
trial,  I  presume,  Mr.  Paine?  "  The  law- 
yer rose,  and,  with  an  air  that  was  pain- 
ful in  its  solemnity,  **  I  thank  your 
Honor  for  your  suggestion,"  he  said, "  but 
I  am  oppressed  with  the  gravest  doubts  as 
to  whether  I  have  the  right  to  move  for  a 
new  trial  in  this  case.  Your  Honor,  I 
have  already  asked  for  and  have  re- 
ceived for  my  idiot  client  the  most 
precious  heritage  of  our  American  and 
English  common  law  —  a  trial  by  a  jury 
of  his  peers."  The  judge  ordered  the 
verdid:  to  be  set  aside. 

BEFORE  Wendell  Phillips  was  well 
known  as  an  Abolitionist  he  went 
to  Charleston,  S.  C,  and  put  up  at  the 
hotel.  He  had  his  breakfast  served  in 
his  room  and  was  waited  on  by  a  slave. 
Mr.  Phillips  seized  the  opportunity  to 
represent  to  the  negro  in  a  pathetic  way 
that  he  regarded  him  as  a  man  and 
brother,  and,  more  than  that,  that  he 
himself  was  an  Abolitionist.  The  colored 
man  either  did  not  comprehend  or  else 
was  entirely  indifferent,  for  Mr.  Phillips 


Phillips 

The  Abolitionist 
and  his  Had 
brother  ha-ve  a 
mutual  misun- 
derstanding 


1 

I  I  4 

IX  LIGHTER  VEIS 

1 

Potter 

An  incendiary 
experiment 

became  disgusted  and  told  him  to   go 
away,  saying    that    he    declined    to   be 
waited  on  by  a  slave.    "  You  must  'scuse 
me,  massa,"  said  the  negro, "  I'se  'bliged 
to  stay  here,   'cause  I'm  'sponsible  for 
the  silverware." 

■  JisHOP  Potter,  whose  Low  Church 
1/  views   are    well   known,  was  once 
asked  by  a  young  priest  of  High  Church 
tendencies,  who  had  just  been  called  to 
a  church  the  very  opposite  of  ritualistic, 
what  would  happen  if  he  tried  the  ex- 
periment  of  burning   a   little    incense. 
The    bishop    quickly    replied,    "Your 
congregation   would  be  incensed,  your 
vestrymen  would  fume,  and  you  would 
go  out  in  smoke." 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


"  Thistles  and  thorns  prick  sore^ 
But  evil  tongues  prick  moreT 


SIR  Charles  Russell,  the  Lord  Chief 
Justice  of  England,  was  an  Irish- 
man and  possessed  all  the  wit  so  natural 
to  a  son  of  the  soil.  In  the  early  part 
of  his  career  at  the  bar  he  was  in  court 
during  the  trial  of  a  case  of  bigamy, 
and  one  of  the  counsel  in  the  case  asked 
him  in  a  hurried  whisper,  "  Russell, 
what's  the  extreme  penalty  for  bigamy  ? " 
"  Two  mothers-in-law,"  was  the  prompt 
reply. 

Sir  Charles  was  once  examining  a 
witness.  The  question  was  about  the 
size  of  certain  hoof-prints  left  by  a  horse 
in  sandy  soil.  **  How  large  were  the 
prints?"  asked  the  learned  counsel. 
"  Were  they  as  large  as  my  hand  ?  —  hold- 
ing up  his  hand  for  the  witness  to  see. 
"Oh,  no!"  said  the  witness,  "it  was 
just  an  ordinary  hoof."  Then  Sir 
Charles  had  to  suspend  the  examination 
while  everybody  laughed. 

LORD   RosEBERY  is  guilty  of  a   few 
very  good  bon  ??iots  and  witty  replies. 
He  was  seated  by  a  lady  at  dinner  one 


I     I 


Russell 

The  penalty  Jit i 
the  crime 


Concerning  the 
size  of  certain 
hoof-frints 


Roseber\ 

His  apt 
definition  of 
memory 


I  I  6 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


A  prophetic 
•wish  gratified 


Roosevelt 

The  only 

animal  on  record 

to  frighten 

Teddy 


day,  when  she  suddenly  asked  him  if 
he  could  define  what  "memory"  was. 
"  Why,  yes,  my  dear  madam,  memory  is 
a  feeling  that  steals  over  us  when  we 
listen  to  our  friends'  original  stories." 

When  very  young  he  was  asked  by 
a  visitor  what  way  he  intended  to  dis- 
tinguish himself  when  he  became  a 
man.  Young  Primrose  replied  without 
any  hesitation,  *  *  By  winning  the  Derby ! ' ' 
"Dear  me,  dear  me!"  exclaimed  the 
visitor  who  was  opposed  to  horse-rac- 
ing, **  I  should  have  thought  you  would 
want  to  be  a  statesman,  perhaps  prime 
minister."  "  Why,  of  course,"  the  boy 
answered,  **  prime  minister  and  then  a 
Derby  winner."  The  boy's  ambition 
was  gratified;  he  became  prime  minis- 
ter, and  also  owned  a  horse  which  won 
the  Derby. 

ONE  CAN  hardly  realize  that  President 
Roosevelt  was  ever  afraid,  and  yet 
he  pleads  guilty  to  the  impeachment. 
He  was  only  a  wee  boy  in  short  trousers. 
He  was  passing  a  Presbyterian  church 
one  Saturday  just  as  the  janitor  was 
cleaning  it.  "  Come  in,  my  little  man, 
if  you  want  to,"  said  the  sexton.  "No, 
thank  you,"  young  Teddy  replied,  "I 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I  I 


7 


know  what  you  have  got  in  there." 
The  sexton  was  rather  surprised,  and 
said:  "I  haven't  anything  little  boys 
may  not  see.  Come  in."  "  I'd  rather 
not,"  answered  Teddy,  and  walked  away. 
That  evening  he  told  his  mother  of  the 
incident,  and  she  asked  him  why  he  did 
not  enter.  With  some  shyness  the  little 
fellow  said  he  was  afraid  the  "zeal" 
might  spring  out  from  a  pew  and  eat 
him.  "The  zeal?  What  is  the  zeal.?" 
his  mother  asked.  "Why,"  explained 
the  future  president,  "  I  suppose  it  is  an 
alligator,  or  some  wild  beast.  I  went 
there  to  church  last  Sunday  with  uncle, 
and  I  heard  the  minister  read  from  the 
Bible  about  the  *zeal,'  and  it  frightened 
me."  The  mother  took  down  the  con- 
cordance and  read  over  the  passages  in 
which  the  word  was  used.  Presently 
the  boy  said,  "Yes,  that's  it."  And  his 
mother  read :  "  For  the  zeal  of  thine 
house  hath  eaten  me  up."  The  text 
had  frightened  young  Teddy,  who  in 
after  years  was  to  be  renowned  as  a  man 
who  knew  not  what  fear  meant. 

On  one  occasion,  just  after  the  Cuban 
war,  Mr.  Roosevelt  visited  Cornell  Uni- 
versity.   The  students,  gratified  by  his 


Rather  rough  on 
the  Rough  Rider 


I  I  8 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Richards 

The  Head- 
master^ s  hold 
Stratagem 
narrozvly  costs 
him  bis  neck 


visit  and  desirous  of  showing  their  ap- 
preciation, entertained  him  at  one  of 
the  fraternity  houses.  Just  as  he  was 
about  to  leave,  one  of  his  staff  said  to 
him,  "  Colonel,  the  boys  have  the  foun- 
dation of  a  capital  library,  and  I  think 
they  would  appreciate  a  copy  of  your 
Rough  Riders."  "All  right,  boys," 
said  the  colonel  heartily,  "I'll  be  glad 
to  send  one  with  my  compliments. 
The  book  will  be  but  a  very  small  re- 
turn for  your  hospitality."  Here  one  of 
the  students  broke  in  excitedly,  "  That's 
so,  Colonel,  I've  read  it." 

A  GOOD  story  is  told  at  the  expense 
of  Dr.  Richards,  Headmaster  of  the 
Tiverton  Grammar  School,  in  England. 
He  had  some  choice  grapes  growing 
against  the  garden  wall,  under  the  boys' 
dormitory  windows.  Jack  Russell,  after- 
wards known  as  Parson  Jack,  used  to  be 
let  down  by  his  mates  in  a  clothes-bas- 
ket, and  hauled  up  with  a  good  supply 
of  grapes.  One  night  the  do6tor  took 
his  place  under  the  vine  with  his  gar- 
dener, who  was  ordered  to  lay  hold 
of  the  boy  in  the  basket  and  muffle  his 
mouth  lest  he  should  cry  out.  This  he 
did  when  Jack  Russell  descended,  and 


1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

I  I  9 

1 

Dr.  Richards  took  his  place  in  the  bas- 
ket.   The  boys   hauled  away,  wonder- 
ing at  the  accession  of  weight,  but  when 
they  saw  the  doctor's  head  level   with 
the  window,  panic-stricken  they  let  go 
of  the  rope,  and  away  went  the  dod:or 
and   basket  to  the  ground.    No    bones 
were    broken,    and    the    dodtor    never 
alluded  to  his  adventure. 

But  be  proves 
game 

« 

I    2   O 


Scott 

The  riddle  in 

Scott'  J 

' '  Marmion  ' ' 


Not  a  faithful 

likeness  of 

Robbie 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


''The  eyes  are  the  windows  of 
a  woman* s  heat 
enter  that  wayT 


a  woman' s  heart '^   you  may 


SIR  Walter  Scott  has  been  accused 
of  introducing  a  riddle  in  his  poem 
*' Marmion"  as  originally  written.  It 
was  contained  in  the  lines: 

" '  Charge,  Chester,  charge  !   On, 
Stanley,  on ! ' 
Breathed  the  dying  Marmion. 
Were  I  in  noble  Stanley's  place, 
A  tear  in  every  eye  you'd  trace 
Of  those  who,  pressing  close  to  death, 
Caught  the  hero's  parting  breath." 

Take  the  lines  literally  and  substitute 
"  I  "  for  "  Stanley  "  in  the  first  line,  and 
you  have,  **On-I-On,"  which  naturally 
would  cause  a  "tear  in  every  eye  of 
those  who  caught  the  hero's  parting 
breath." 

On  one  occasion  Scott  was  walking 
with  his  friend  Morritt  through  the 
town  of  Barnard  Castle,  where  was 
situated  the  inn,  "The  Burns'  Head," 
which  had  a  portrait  of  the  poet  for  a 
sign.  Morritt  pointed  it  out  to  Scott 
and  asked  him  if  it  was  like  the  poet. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I    2    I 


"How  long  has  it  been  there?"  Scott 
asked.  "Two  or  three  years,"  was  the 
answer.  "Then  it's  not  like  Robbie," 
said  Scott ;  "  Robbie  would  never  have 
stayed  so  long  outside  a  public  house!  " 

During  his  tour  in  Ireland  in  1825, 
Sir  Walter  Scott  visited  Glendalough 
and  its  show  places,  including  St.  Kevin's 
Bed.  He  was  the  first  lame  man  that 
had  ever  climbed  into  the  Bed,  and  Mr. 
Plunket,  son  of  Lord  Chancellor  Plun- 
ket,  told  the  female  guide,  after  Sir 
Walter  had  moved  on,  that  he  was  a 
poet.  "Poet,"  she  exclaimed,  "not  a 
bit  av  it,  but  a  rale  honorable  gintle- 
man,  sir;  he  guv  me  half  a  crown !  " 

Sir  Walter  was  sitting  in  his  library 
one  day  when  a  tall  Highlander,  who 
had  been  building  an  inn  near  by,  came 
in  and  said,  "  May  it  please  you.  Sir  Wal- 
ter, I  am  going  to  call  my  place,  *The 
Flodden  Inn,'  and  as  ye've  writ  a  poem 
on  *  Flodden  Field,'  it  struck  me  and 
the  gude  wife  that  ye  might  gi'e  us  a 
line  for  a  motto."  "  Have  you  read  the 
poem?"  Sir  Walter  asked.  "No,  sir; 
I'm  nae  a  reader."  "Well,  I  would  ad- 
vise you  to  read  the  poem,  and  take  a 
Hne  from  it."     "And  what'll  it  be?" 


&>  fValter 
climbs  into  St. 
Kevin^s  Bed 


Sir  Walter 
alten  a  line  of 
"  Flodden 
Field'''  to  the 
delight  of  the 
Highland 
innkeeper 


12   2 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Sheepshanks 

The  Bishop 

pro-ves  himself 

a  courteous  and 

chivalrous 

gentleman 


Sir  Walter,  without  a  smile,  replied: 
'  Drink,  weary  traveller ;  drink  and 
pray.'"  "But  my  inn's  no'  a  kirk;  and 
the  more  prayin'  there  is  the  less 
drinkin'  there'll  be,  an'  I  dinna  want 
that."  "Oh,"  laughed  the  poet,  "I 
think  I  can  alter  the  line — *  Drink, 
weary  traveller ;  drink  and  pay.'  "  "  The 
verra  thing!"  shouted  the  man,  highly 
delighted  with  the  appropriate  motto. 

DR.  Sheepshanks,  the  Bishop  of 
Norwich,  tells  a  story  of  rustic 
innocence  which  is  refreshing.  On  one 
occasion  his  steps  led  him  past  a  pic- 
turesque cottage,  in  a  town  where  he 
was  to  hold  a  confirmation.  A  pretty 
little  garden  separated  the  cottage  from 
the  road,  finished  off  with  a  neat  hedge 
and  a  green  gate.  "Oh,  please,  sir," 
said  a  voice  from  the  other  side  of  the 
hedge,  "  would  you  open  the  gate  for 
me?"  This  the  bishop  at  once  did. 
Then,  to  his  surprise,  instead  of  a  tiny 
child  he  had  expelled  to  see,  there 
stepped  forth  a  girl  quite  big  enough 
to  have  opened  the  gate  for  herself. 
"And  why,  my  dear,"  asked  Dr.  Sheep- 
shanks, "could  you  not  open  the  gate 
for  yourself?"    "  Please,  sir,  because  the 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


paint's  wet."  A  glance  at  his  hand  testi- 
fied to  the  bishop  but  too  plainly  the 
truth  of  her  statement. 

SIR  Arthur  Sullivan  was  always 
very  strict  with  regard  to  his  music. 
A  member  of  a  certain  company,  who 
had  a  remarkably  quick  ear  for  picking 
the  melodies,  but  was  too  much  given 
to  singing  by  ear,  occasionally  got  his 
notes  a  little  mixed  and  deviated  from 
the  written  score.  Sullivan  listened  until 
the  song  was  finished,  and  then  said  : 
"Bravo  !  That  is  really  a  very  good  tune 
of  yours — capital!  And  now,  if  you 
have  no  objection,  I  will  trouble  you  to 
sing  mine." 

Sir  Arthur  used  to  tell  the  following 
story  with  evident  pleasure.  He  was 
traveling  on  a  stage-coach  in  California 
some  years  ago.  "  As  we  drove  up  to  a 
mining-camp  where  we  had  to  get  down 
for  refreshments,  the  driver  said,  *  They 
are  expecting  you  here,  Mr.  Sullivan.' 
I  was  much  pleased,  and,  when  I  reached 
the  place,  I  came  across  a  knot  of  prom- 
inent citizens  at  the  whisky  store. 
The  foremost  of  them  came  up  to  a  big, 
burly  man  by  my  side,  and  said,  *Are 
you  Mr.  Sullivan  ? '  The  man  said,  *  No  ! ' 


I    2 


3 


Sullivan 

A  tuneful 
imfro'viiation 


Sir  Arthur 
denies  that  he  is 
the  famous 
slugger 


I    2 


And  recei-ves  an 

invitation  from 

a  con-vi-vial 

Californian 


Difficult  to 
disguise 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


and  pointed  to  me.  The  citizen  looked 
at  me  rather  contemptuously,  and,  after 
a  while,  said,  *  How  much  do  you  weigh  ?' 
I  thought  this  a  rather  curious  method 
of  testing  the  power  of  a  composer,  but 
I  at  once  answered,  *  About  one  hundred 
and  sixty-two  pounds.'  *  Well,'  said  the 
man,  '  that's  odd  to  me,  anyhow !  Do 
you  mean  to  say  that  you  gave  fits  to 
John  S.  Blackmore  down  in  Kansas 
City  ? '  I  said,  *  No  —  I  did  not  give  him 
fits.'  He  then  said,  *Well,  who  are 
you?'  I  replied,  *  My  name  is  Sullivan.' 
*Ain't  youJohnL.  Sullivan,  the  slugger?' 
I  disclaimed  all  title  to  that,  and  told 
him  I  was  Arthur  Sullivan.  *  Oh  — 
Arthur  Sullivan  ! '  he  said.  *  Are  you  the 
man  as  put  **  Pinafore  "  together  ? '  rather 
a  gratifying  way  of  describing  my  com- 
position. I  said,  *Yes.'  *Well,'  returned 
the  citizen,  *  I  am  sorry  you  ain't  John 
L.,  but,  still,  I'm  glad  to  see  you,  any- 
way.   Let's  have  a  drink.' " 

On  another  occasion  he  was  listening 
to  a  rehearsal  under  the  dired:ion  of 
Michael  Gunn,  of  Dublin,  who  was  to 
produce  the  opera.  One  of  the  singers 
sang  in  a  sort  of  affedted  Italian-Eng- 
lish.     Sullivan    interrupted,    and    said: 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I    2 


"That  accent  won't  do  for  sailors  or 
pirates.  Give  us  a  little  less  Mediter- 
ranean and  a  little  more  Whitechapel." 
Here  Gunn  turned  to  the  singer,  and 
said:  "Of  what  nationality  are  you? 
You  don't  sound  Italian."  The  ad:or 
dropped  his  Italian  accent  and  in  a  good, 
old-fashioned  brogue,  replied,  "Shure, 
Mr.  Gunn,  I'm  from  the  banks  of  the 
Liffey,  loike  yourself." 

ROBERT  Louis  Stevenson,  in  a  letter 
to  a  friend  giving  a  vivid  descrip- 
tion of  a  wet  day  at  Edinburgh,  wrote : 
"  Everything  drips  and  soaks,  —  the  very 
statues  seem  wet  to  the  skin." 

CHARLES  Haddon  Spurgeon  was  one 
of  the  most  witty  men  who  ever 
entered  a  pulpit,  or  taught  a  student. 
A  young  man,  whose  name  was  Pat- 
ridge,  appeared  one  year  at  Spurgeon's 
college  supper  and  returned  the  next 
year.  "  Glad  to  see  you  again,  Mr.  Part- 
ridge," said  Spurgeon.  *'  My  name  isn't 
Partridge, sir ;  it'sP-a-t-r-i-d-g-e."  "Oh, 
well,  I  won't  make  ga77ie  of  you  any 
more,"  was  Spurgeon's  rejoinder. 

One  Sunday  morning,  while  a  hymn 
was  being  sung  in  his  church,  a  note 
was   handed   to    Spurgeon,  acquainting 


Stevenson 

A  "very  ivet  day 
at  Edinburgh 


Spurgeon 

Making  game 
of  Pairidge 


A  quotation  of 

double 

significance 


12   6 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


The  theological 

student  •wittily 

applies  the  story 

of  Zaccheus  to 

his  oivn 

embarrassing 

position 


him  with  the  fad:  that  he  had  become 
the  father  of  twins.  At  the  end  of  the 
hymn  he  walked  to  the  front  of  the 
platform,  read  the  announcement,  and 
quoted : 

"  Not  more  than  others  I  deserve, 
Yet  God  hath  given  me  more." 

It  was  his  custom  to  send  theological 
students  under  his  care  into  the  pulpit 
with  sealed  envelopes  containing  texts 
which  they  were  required  to  expound 
at  sight,  or  themes  upon  which  they 
were  to  discourse.  On  one  occasion  a 
student,  on  opening  his  paper,  found  the 
subjed:  and  direction  given  him :  "Apply 
the  story  of  Zaccheus  to  your  own  cir- 
cumstances and  your  call  to  the  minis- 
try." The  student  for  a  moment  was 
puzzled,  but,  recovering  quickly,  de- 
livered himself  in  the  following  way : 
"My  brethren,  the  subject  on  which  I 
have  to  address  you  today  is  a  com- 
parison between  Zaccheus  and  myself. 
Well,  the  first  thing  we  read  about  Zac- 
cheus is  that  he  was  small  in  stature,  and  I 
never  felt  so  small  as  I  do  now.  In  the 
second  place,  we  read  that  he  was  up 
in  a  tree,  which  is  very  much  my  posi- 
tion now.    And,  thirdly,  we  read  that 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I    2 


7 


Zaccheus  made  haste  to  come  down, 
and  in  this  I  gladly  and  promptly  follow 
his  example." 

A  GENERATION  ago  there  lived  an 
excellent  ad:or  bearing  the  name 
of  Seymour.  It  was  in  the  good  old 
days  when  a  star  traveled  from  town  to 
town  to  play  lead  with  the  local  stock 
company.  Seymour  had  the  nickname 
of  "  Chouse,"  which  he  hated  intensely. 
It  came  to  him  in  this  wise.  He  was 
playing  Othello  at  the  Theatre  Royal, 
Cork,  when,  either  through  inadver- 
tence or  other  cause  he,  in  the  well- 
known  passage  —  ** Excellent  wretch! 
Perdition  catch  my  soul,  but  I  do  love 
thee;  and,  when  I  love  thee  not,  chaos 
is  come  again  "  —  pronounced  the  word 
"chaos"  as  if  written  "chouse."  A 
year  after  he  again  visited  "  Cork's  own 
town,"  and  on  the  Monday  morning  he 
found  the  walls  covered,  by  some  mis- 
chievous chalk  artist,  with  the  legend, 
**  Chouse  has  come  again  !  "  In  Limer- 
ick one  night,  when  playing  wonder- 
fully well  his  favorite  part,  he  was 
greeted  in  the  dying  scene  by  a  voice 
from  the  gallery :  **  That's  deuced  good, 
Chouse!"    The  dying  Othello  sat  up. 


Seymour 

The  dying 
Othello  dares  a 
disturber  in  the 
gallery  to  come 
dotvn  and  have 
bis  head  punched 


I    2   8 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Sullivan 

Barry  Sulli-van, 

the  ranting 

tragedian^  does  a 

bit  of  realistic 

"work 


shook  his  fist  in  the  direction  of  the 
disturber,  and  invited  him,  if  he  were 
a  man,  to  come  down  and  have  his 
head  punched.  There  being  no  answer 
to  the  challenge,  the  hapless  Moor 
solemnly  turned  over  and  proceeded  to 
die  according  to  the  requirements  of 
the  part. 

WHO  DOES  not  remember  Barry  Sul- 
livan, the  greatest  of  the  old 
ranting  tragedians?  Barry  was  always 
terribly  in  earnest;  he  lived  his  part, 
and  many  a  scene  had  been  spoiled 
through  the  nervousness  of  some  young 
a6tor,  or  super,  who  had  to  be  on  the 
stage  with  him.  On  one  occasion  he 
was  playing  Macbeth  in  the  Theatre 
Royal,  Cork.  A  young  adtor,  taking 
the  part  of  a  messenger,  came  on  and 
excitedly  approached  Macbeth,  saying: 

"As  I  did  stand  my  watch  upon  the  hill, 
I  looked  toward  Birnam,  and,  anon, 

methought 
The  wood  began  to  move." 

Macbeth  strode  over  to  the  messen- 
ger and  in  a  most  vigorous  manner 
exclaimed : 

"  Liar  and  Slave !  " 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I    2 


at  the  same  time  striking  him  over  the 
shoulder.  Instead  of  the  messenger 
answering  in  the  language  of  Shake- 
speare, he  struck  back  at  the  adtor,  and 
shouted:  "Liar  yourself!  I  only  said 
what  they  told  me!" 

When  playing  the  part  in  Dublin, 
he,  in  the  dagger  scene,  fixed  his  eyes 
on  the  gallery,  and,  drawing  himself 
back  with  all  the  gesture  of  fear,  com- 
menced that  most  powerful  speech :  "  Is 
this  a  dagger,  that  I  see  before  me  now, 
its  handle  toward  my  hand?"  To  the 
astonishment  of  all  and  the  complete 
destruction  of  the  scene,  an  old  woman 
rose  from  her  seat  in  the  gallery,  and, 
holding  up  a  bottle  of  Dublin  stout, 
shouted:  **  Faix,  no,  yer  Honor,  it's  no 
dagger  but  only  a  bottle  av  stout." 

When  any  other  tragedian  played 
with  the  same  company  Sullivan  had 
carefully  rehearsed,  there  were  always 
difficulties  with  the  supers.  Harry  Lor- 
raine was  following  Sullivan  and  chal- 
lenging comparison  by  playing  the 
same  roles.  At  one  town  he  had  an 
unusual  amount  of  trouble  with  a  super 
as  to  his  entrance.  He  had  given  the 
cue  three  or  four  times  without  effecSt, 


Another  touch  of 
realism 


JVaiting  for  the 
proper  cue 


3  o 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Salvini 

The  alior 

o'verbears  an 

ingenuous 

criticism  of  his 

Othello 


Sandys 

The  greatest  of 

English 

draughtsmen  is 

an  urbane 

and  most 

accommodating 

gentleman 


and  when  he  expostulated,  he  was  met 
with  the  reply  that  that  was  not  the 
cue  Mr.  Sullivan  had  given.  "Well, 
what  was  the  cue?"  Lorraine  asked. 
"Why,  sir,  Mr.  Sullivan  always  looked 
at  me,  and  said,  *  Come  on !  come  on, 
you  blithering  idiot ! '  " 

SALVINI  tells  of  a  criticism  which  he 
overheard  when  playing  through 
the  southern  States.  He  had  been  play- 
ing Othello  and  on  his  return  to  the 
hotel,  seeing  he  was  not  recognized, 
stood  in  the  office  a  minute  to  hear 
what  a  colonel  was  telling  the  clerk 
about  the  "show."  The  colonel  struck 
the  desk  with  his  fist  as  he  said,  "  It 
was  a  mighty  good  show,  but,  tarnation 
take  it,  the  nigger  did  as  well  as  any  of 
'em."  The  "  nigger  "  had  heard  enough, 
and  went  to  his  room  pondering  over 
the  criticism  he  had  overheard. 

FREDERICK  Sandys,  who  has  been 
described  by  Ruskin  as  the  great- 
est of  English  draughtsmen,  and  of  whom 
Millaissaid  he  was  worth  any  five  Acade- 
micians, was  once  asked,  before  he  was 
known  to  fame,  to  paint  the  portrait  of 
the  mayor  of  a  town,  who  was  a  most 
estimable    grocer.    The   spokesman    of 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


3 


the  deputation  said  that  the  committee 
was  prepared  to  pay  as  high  as  ^^50 
for  a  good  portrait,  but  on  seeing  the 
artist's  face  grow  long,  added  that  they 
only  wanted  a  half-length. 

"  Oh,  of  course,  that  makes  a  differ- 
ence," said  the  artist  most  urbanely. 
"  Which  half  would  you  prefer,  gentle- 
men?" 

DEAN  Stanley  was  dining  out,  and 
was  very  late.  When  he  came  his 
collar  was  unfastened,  and  the  ends 
vibrated  like  little  white  wings  upon 
the  head  of  a  cherub.  People  could  not 
but  look  at  him  with  curiosity  during 
the  dinner,  and  at  length,  with  due  pre- 
caution, his  hostess  ventured  to  ask  him 
if  he  knew  that  his  collar  had  broken 
loose.  "Oh,  yes,"  answered  the  dean, 
"do  you  mind?"  "Not  at  all,"  said 
the  lady.  "Then  I  don't  mind,  either; 
the  button  dropped  off  while  I  was 
dressing,"  and  the  dean  continued  his 
conversation.  "  It  was  not  absence  of 
mind,"  says  Andrew  Lang,  who  tells 
the  story,  "but  unrivaled  presence  of 
mind  that  the  dean  displayed.  Any 
other  human  being  would  have  been 
at  the  point  of  changing  his  shirt." 


Stanley 

A  ludicrous 
incident 

illustrating  Dean 
Stanley^ 
unrivaled 
presence  of  mind 


3 


Smith,  Dean 

Hoio 

' '  Presence-of- 

Mind"  Smith 

earned  his 

nickname 


Smith, 
Sydney 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


IN  THE  early  thirties  the  dean  of 
Christchurch  College,  Oxford,  was 
nicknamed  "  Presence-of-Mind  "  Smith. 
Tradition  has  explained  the  nickname. 
Going  down  to  Nuneham  with  a  friend 
in  his  undergraduate  days,  he  returned 

alone.     "Where  is   T ?"    he    was 

asked.  "  Oh,  well,  we  had  an  accident : 
the  boat  leaked,  and  while  we  were  bail- 
ing it,  T fell  over  into  the  river. 

He  caught  hold  of  the  skiff  and  pulled  it 
down  to  the  water's  edge.  Neither  of 
us  could  swim ;  and  if  I  had  not  with 
great  presence  of  mind  hit  him  on  the 
head  with  the  boat-hook,  both  would 
have  been  drowned."  This  gem  of  the 
purest  water  is  told  by  the  Rev.  W. 
Tuckwell,  in  his  Reminiscences  of 
Oxford. 

AVERY  good  story  is  told  by  Dr. 
E.  J.  Hopkins,  the  famous  organ- 
ist, of  Sydney  Smith,  whom  he  still 
remembers.  He  says  that  a  well-known 
attendant  at  St.  Paul's  was  a  Miss  Hack- 
ett,  who  loved  to  hear  the  deep  bass 
of  the  organ,  a  smile  always  gathering 
round  her  lips  as  the  organ  thundered 
forth.  Sydney  Smith  had  noticed  this, 
and   Dr.   Hopkins   remembers    hearing 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN    i  3  3 


him  say  to  the  organist,  **  Have  you 
noticed,  Mr.  Goss,  that  whenever  your 
organ  thunders,  Miss  Hackett's  face 
alvs^ays  Hghtens? " 

THE  ELDER  Sothem,  the  creator  of 
the  Lord  Dundreary  fame,  was  ex- 
tremely sensitive  to  interruptions  of  any 
sorts.  Seeing  a  man  in  the  ad:  of  leav- 
ing his  box  during  the  delivery  of  one 
of  the  actor's  best  speeches,  he  shouted 
out,  "  Hi,  you  sir,  do  you  know  there 
is  another  ad:  ? "  The  offender  was  equal 
to  the  occasion,  however ;  he  turned  to 
the  ador  and  answered  cheerfully,  "  Oh, 
yes,  that's  why  Lm  going!" 

Sothern  once  gave  a  dinner  to  a 
dozen  gentlemen,  of  whom  one,  desig- 
nated as  Thompson,  was  late.  The  others 
had  just  sat  down  to  their  soup,  when  a 
loud  ring  announced  the  arrival  of 
Thompson.  Sothern  hastily  exclaimed : 
"  Let  us  all  get  under  the  table.  Fancy 
Thompson's  surprise  when  he  beholds  a 
long  table  devoid  of  guests."  Sothern's 
love  of  pradical  joking  was  so  well 
known  that  the  proposition  did  not 
astonish  his  guests,  and  in  a  couple  of 
seconds  every  man  was  concealed  under 
the    table.     Thompson   entered   just  as 


Sothern 

The  offender 
luai  equal  to  the 
occasion 


Sothern  plays  an 
unexpefied  joke 
upon  bis  dinner 
guests 


3  4 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Sigsbee 

The  Captain 

feel:  like  a  sperm 

'whale  doing 

crochet  'work 


Stowe 

A  good  story  on 
the  author  of 
'^  Uncle  Tom^ s 
Cabin 


Sothern,  who  had  only  made  a  half 
dive,  had  resumed  his  place  at  the  head 
of  the  table.  The  guest  stared,  and  ex- 
claimed, "Where  are  all  the  fellows?" 
Sothern  shook  his  head  in  a  lugubrious 
fashion,  and  in  melancholy  tones  re- 
plied, "  I  can't  explain  it,  my  dear  fel- 
low, but  the  moment  they  heard  your 
name  they  all  got  under  the  table." 
The  expression  on  the  faces  of  all  the 
hoaxed  guests,  as  they  slowly  emerged 
from  their  concealment,  can  be  better 
imagined  than  described. 

CAPTAIN  Sigsbee,  the  commander 
of  the  Maine,  having  to  make  a 
speech  on  one  occasion,  compared  him- 
self to  an  old  sailor  who  was  reluc- 
tantly persuaded  to  accept  an  invitation 
to  afternoon  tea.  When  he  got  back  to 
the  ship  the  master  inquired,  "Well, 
Brown,  did  you  get  to  the  tea  ? "  "I  did, 
sir."  "And  how  did  you  feel  there?" 
"  I  felt  like  a  sperm  whale  doing  cro- 
chet work,"  was  the  sailor's  reply. 

DR.  Wise  says  that  he  was  dining 
once  with  Henry  Ward  Beecher 
and  his  sister,  Mrs.  Beecher  Stowe,  when 
Mr.  Beecher  said  that  he  had  received  a 
letter  from  a  Catholic  priest  saying  that 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN     i  3  5 


Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  had  been  trans- 
lated, by  him,  into  ItaHan,  and  adding, 
"if  I  could  only  kiss  the  woman  who 
had  written  that  noble  book  I  would 
die  happy."  Mr.  Beecher  said,  "  I  sent 
him  a  picture  of  you,  Harriet,  and  noth- 
ing has  been  heard  of  him  since." 

THE  GENIAL  dramatist  and  author  of 
the  Dagonet  Ballads,  George  R. 
Sims,  has  made  a  colled:ion  of  well- 
authenticated  "Slips  of  the  tongue," 
from  which  may  be  quoted  the  follow- 
ing excellent  ones : 

A  clergyman  in  London  preaching  on 
Jonah  and  the  whale,  let  fall  the  follow- 
ing sentence:  "And  Jonah,  as  you 
know,  my  brethren,  lay  three  days  and 
three  nights  in  the  welly  of  the  bale." 

A  Church  of  England  curate  aston- 
ished his  congregation  by  giving  out  as 
his  text:  "The  cock  wept,  and  Peter 
went  out  and  crew  bitterly." 

A  rector  leaving  his  parish  for  his 
health,  caused  his  curate  to  refer  to  the 
fad:  from  the  pulpit.  The  latter  feelingly 
announced  that  the  whole  parish  would 
feel  the  loss  of  their  "shoving  leopard." 

Another  clergyman,  addressing  his 
congregation,  meant  to  say,  "  Many  of 


Sims 

Unique 
examples  of 
lapsus  lingua 


' '  The  'welly  of 
the  bale ' ' 


A  mixed  text 


The  parish  lose 
their  ^'■sho'ving 
leopard^'' 


' '  Half-ivarmed 
fish  in  their 
hearts 


3 


''Duff  and 
dem  " 


The  Bishop 

•wants  a 

' '  bandy-hag ' ' 


Mrs.  Langtry' s 
break 


''And  let  the 
parson  cough ' ' 


Charles 
Calvert^  s  amus- 
ing slip 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


you  will  have  a  half-formed  wish  in 
your  hearts,"  startled  the  assemblage  by 
saying,  "  Many  of  you  will  have  a  half- 
warmed  fish  in  your  hearts." 

A  clergyman  at  Croydon,  near  Lon- 
don, announced :  "  The  colledlion  today 
is  in  aid  of  the  college  for  the  dem  and 
duff."  Instantly  corred:ing  himself,  he 
said,  "I  mean  duff  and  dem." 

A  bishop  walked  into  the  store  of 
Messrs.  Drew  and  Sons,  the  well-known 
makers  of  portmanteaux  and  **  Glad- 
stone" bags,  and  paralyzed  the  entire 
establishment  by  saying  that  he  wanted 
a  bandy-hag  to  travel  with.  The  assist- 
ant guessed  he  meant  a  handy-bag. 

Slips  of  the  tongue  are  often  made 
on  the  stage,  even  by  the  most  promi- 
nent adiors  and  ad:resses.  Mrs.  Langtry 
at  one  performance  said  to  her  stage 
lover,  **  Let  us  retire  and  seek  a  nosey 
cook." 

An  adtor  at  the  Queen's  Theatre, 
Manchester,  turned,  "  Stand  back,  my 
lord,  and  let  the  coffin  pass,"  into, 
"  Stand  back,  my  lord,  and  let  the  parson 
cough." 

Charles  Calvert,  one  of  the  most 
painstaking  readers   on   the   stage,    was 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


playing  Henry  V,  at  the  Prince's 
Theatre,  Manchester,  and  he  had  to 
say  to  one  of  his  old  soldiers,  that  in- 
stead of  going  to  battle  he  should  have  a 
**good  soft  pillow  for  that  good  white 
head;"  what  he  did  say  was,  **a  good 
white  pillow  for  that  good  soft  head." 

A  well-known  adtor  who  has  often 
been  applauded  by  New  York  theater- 
goers, in  one  of  his  speeches  intended 
to  say,  "Royal  bold  Caesar,"  but  forgot 
himself  in  his  excitement  and  said, 
"  Boiled  rolled  Cssar,  I  present  thee 
with  my  sword." 

A  nervous,  excited  young  ad:or  ex- 
claimed :  "  Dare  to  harm  one  head  of 
her  hair,  and  the  last  moment  shall  be 
your  next." 

An  ad:or  was  playing  the  Captain  in 
**  Dick  Whittington."  In  one  scene  he 
was  to  introduce  himself  to  the  Em- 
peror. He  bowed  and  exclaimed,  **  I  am 
the  Shiptain  of  the  Cap!"  Then, 
quickly  correcting  himself,  said,  **  I 
mean  the  Shaptain  of  the  Kip  !  "  Again, 
in  an  instant,  he  cried,  **  I  should  have 
said  the  Kiptain  of  the  Shap."  He  did 
not  try  again  to  get  off  the  difficult  in- 
troduction. 


3  7 


Another  by  a 

ivcll-kncnvn 

aSior 


A  paralyzing 
threat 


The  Captain 
introduces 
himself  to  the 
Emperor 


38 


Somewhat 
confusing 


Sheridan 

Tom  discusses 

•with  bis  father 

the  dodrine  of 

necestity 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


A  young  officer  drilling  some  recruits 
and  being  very  anxious  not  to  make  a 
mistake,  gave  out  the  following  com- 
mand: "And  now  you  take  seven  par- 
tridges from  your  couch." 

THOMAS  Sheridan,  who  was  a  cler- 
gyman and  grandfather  of  Richard 
Brinsley  Sheridan,  the  dramatist,  had  a 
great  distaste  for  metaphysical  discus- 
sions, whereas  his  son  Tom,  the  adtor, 
had  a  great  liking  for  them.  Tom  one 
day  tried  to  discuss  with  his  father  the 
doctrine  of  necessity.  "Pray,  father," 
said  he,  "did  you  ever  do  anything  in 
a  state  of  perfe6t  indifference  —  with- 
out motive,  I  mean,  of  some  kind  or 
other?"  The  Rev.  Tom,  who  saw  what 
was  coming,  said,  "Yes,  certainly." 
"Indeed?"  "Yes,  indeed."  "What, — 
total,  entire,  thorough  indifference?" 
"Yes, —  total,  entire,  thorough  indiffer- 
ence." "My  dear  father,"  said  Tom, 
"tell  me  what  it  is  you  can  do  with  — 
mind !  total,  entire,  thorough  indiffer- 
ence?" "Why,  listen  to  you,  Tom," 
replied  his  father. 


-  -                               1 

IS  LIGHTER VELS 

I  3  9 

1 

"  J  tike  melons  J  friends  are  to  be 
found  in  plenty^  of  which  not 
even  one  is  good  in  twenty ^ 

Tennyson 

The  poet  is 
annoyed  by  a 
•very  gushing 
young  lady 

Toole 

A  strange 
be-verage,  but 
the  ' '  bobby ' '  is 
undoubtedly 
"willing 

A   T  A  dinner  a  very  gushing  young 
£\.  lady  was  seated  next  the  poet,  and 
to  his  annoyance  she  continued  to  talk 
to  him  in  quotation  from  his  poems. 

"  Birds  in  the  high  Hall  garden 
When  twilight  was  falling, 
Maud,  Maud,  Maud,  Maud, 
They  were  crying  and  calling." 

Thus  she  quoted,  adding,  **  The  lines 
are  so  realistic  I  fancy   I   can  hear  the 
nightingales  singing."   "  Nonsense,  mad- 
am, nonsense,"  Tennyson  replied,  "they 
were  rooks,  madam,  rooks." 

ToHN  L.  TooLE,  that  irrepressible,  but 
J   always  funny  comedian,  tells  a  good 
story  of  an  experience  he  had  with  an 
English  policeman.   Toole  was  strolling 
home  from  the  theater  and,  to  pass  away 
the  time,  got  into  conversation  with  a 
"bobby."     Pleased  with    the  flattering 
opinion    the    officer    expressed    of   the 
comedian,  Toole  thought  to  reward  him 
by  sending  him  a  copy  of  his  recently 

1 

o    IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Sir  Henry 

Irving  tells  a 

good  itory 

cbarafieriitic  tif 

the  contidian 


published  Memoirs.  At  the  hotel  door, 
Toole  asked,  '*  Do  you  like  reminis- 
cences?" "Well,  thank  you,  sir,"  re- 
plied the  policeman,  sinking  his  voice 
to  a  whisper,  *'  I'm  afraid  there's  no 
house  open! " 

Sir  Henry  Irving  tells  a  story  of 
Toole  which  is  characteristic.  "One 
afternoon  Toole  and  I  were  strolling 
together  at  the  time  we  were  playing 
Byron's  drama  of  Uncle  Dick's  Dar- 
ling, at  the  Gaiety  Theatre.  We  came 
across  a  crowd  surrounding  a  prostrate 
man  who  had  been  absorbing  not  wisely 
but  too  well  a  portion  of  the  contents 
of  a  barrel  of  spirits  that  had  burst,  and 
was  flowing  down  the  gutter.  Toole 
saw  the  situation,  and  pushed  his  way 
through  the  crowd.  *  Hallo,  here's  a 
doctor,'  they  said,  and  fell  back.  I  was 
close  at  his  heels  and  adted  as  his  assist- 
ant. Toole  felt  the  man's  pulse,  and, 
having  laid  his  hands  upon  the  patient's 
forehead,  cheeks  and  chin,  he  placed 
the  drunken  man's  hat  over  his  eyes, 
with  an  injundlion  that  the  crowd  should 
let  him  sleep  on  a  while,  which  was  in- 
deed the  best  advice  he  could  give.  We 
hailed  a  passing  hansom  and  drove  off. 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Presently  we  pulled  up  to  reconnoiter, 
and  heard  a  howl  of  derision.  The 
crowd  had  removed  the  man's  cap,  to 
find  that  his  face  was  adorned  with  a 
certain  label  which  Toole  carried  in 
his  pockets  in  those  days,  bearing  the 
words,  *  Uncle  Dick's  Darling'!" 

One  night  Toole  and  John  F.  War- 
den, the  manager  of  the  Belfast  Theatre 
Royal,  entered  a  hotel,  where  they 
were  both  well  known.  Mr.  Toole 
ordered  a  bottle  of  champagne,  and 
asked  the  proprietor  whether  he  would 
allow  payment  to  stand  over  till  a  bet 
that  had  just  been  made  was  decided. 
The  hotel-keeper  readily  assented,  and 
the  bottle  was  uncorked,  the  host  ac- 
cepting an  invitation  to  drink.  After 
chatting  for  a  while,  Mr.  Toole  and 
his  friend  prepared  to  depart.  Then 
the  proprietor  hinted  that  he  would 
like  to  know  the  result  of  the  bet,  and 
what  it  was  about.  **Oh,"  said  Mr. 
Warden, "  we  have  been  examining  the 
Albert  Memorial,  and  Mr.  Toole  has 
laid  me  odds  that  when  it  falls  it  will 
be  in  the  diredbion  of  Corporation  Street, 
and  I  have  bet  him  that,  instead,  it  will 
fall  toward  Victoria  Street!" 


Toole  and 

IVarden  make  a 
sbreivd  bet 
and  the  landlord 
pays  the  hill 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


The  comedian 

deli'vers  a  leEiure 

on  China  proper 

and  improper 


Toole  salutes  the 

brewer  ivith 

snatches  of 

popular  melody 

to  that  indi-vid- 

uaPs  disgust 


Toole  was  once  asked  to  deliver  a 
short  lecture  at  a  charity  fair,  and  he 
took  for  his  subjed:,  "  China."  When 
the  hour  arrived  the  hall  was  crowded. 
Toole  appeared  in  a  dress-suit,  carry- 
ing a  long  wand.  On  the  wall  was 
hung  what  appeared  to  be  a  large  map, 
one  part  colored  in  pink,  the  other  in 
blue.  Toole  pointed  at  the  map  with 
his  wand,  and  said :  "  China  is  divided 
into  two  parts,  China  proper,  and  China 
improper.  Of  China  proper,  very  little 
is  known;  of  China  improper,  the  less 
known  the  better."  While  the  audience 
laughed  at  this  Toole  slipped  out,  and 
after  waiting  fully  fifteen  minutes  the 
audience  realized  that  Toole  had  sold 
them,  and  they  left  the  hall,  laughing 
over  their  own  discomfiture.  The  char- 
ity realized  two  thousand  dollars  by  the 
lecture. 

Joseph  Hatton  in  his  Cigarette 
Papers  writes  about  the  intimacy  be- 
tween Toole  and  Sims  Reeves,  the 
eminent  tenor.  Toole  once  called  at  a 
hotel  where  he  had  been  informed 
Sims  Reeves  was  staying,  and  was 
directed  to  the  garden.  Believing  that 
an    individual   sitting    in    a    chair    and 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


4  3 


reading  a  newspaper  was  the  eminent 
tenor,  Toole  crept  up  and  saluted  him 
with  a  snatch  of  *' My  Pretty  Jane," 
of  which  Toole  could  give  an  excellent 
imitation.  Reeves  took  no  notice,  and 
Toole  went  for  the  tenor  again,  this 
time  trying  a  full  verse  of  **  Come  into 
the  Garden,  Maud."  Reeves  got  up  and 
took  another  seat.  Toole  gave  him  a 
taste  of  "Tom  Bowling,"  whereupon 
Reeves  turned  upon  him  to  inquire 
what  the  devil  he  meant.  It  was  Reeves, 
a  brewer,  and  not  the  famous  tenor. 

DR.  Temple,  Archbishop  of  Canter- 
bury, had  an  intense  hatred  of  all 
humbug.  One  evening  he  was  seated  at 
dinner  next  to  a  garrulous  lady,  who, 
anxious  to  bring  into  her  conversation 
that  spirit  of  devoutness  which  she 
thought  would  be  most  pleasing  to 
her  companion,  asked  the  archbishop 
whether  he  believed  in  the  interference 
of  Divine  Providence  in  human  affairs ; 
and  she  instanced  the  case  of  her  aunt, 
who  had  recently  failed  to  make  con- 
nedtion  with  a  train  at  a  London  station, 
and  had  thus  escaped  being  injured  in  a 
terrible  disaster  which  occurred  some 
distance  from  town.    '*  Do  you  not,  my 


Temple 
The 

Arcbhishop^  s 
gruff  rejoinder 
to  a  garrulous 
lady 


44 


'^Hang  the 

piSfure !" 

replies  the 

Archbishop 


Twain 

Mark   Tiuain 
spends  his  spare 
time  in  compil- 
ing a  pun 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


lord,  regard  that  as  a  peculiarly  marked 
interference  of  a  beneficent  Providence? " 
she  asked,  simperingly,  to  which,  in  his 
strident  tones.  Dr.  Temple  replied: 
"Can't  say.  Don't  know  your  aunt!" 
The  archbishop  was  always  very  im- 
patient of  bores,  especially  clerical  bores. 
One  of  the  clergy  of  his  diocese,  who 
had  pestered  him  a  great  deal,  wrote  an 
inordinately  long  letter  describing  a 
picture  which  he  proposed  to  put  up  in 
the  chancel  of  his  church,  and  asked 
permission  to  do  so.  By  the  time  the 
archbishop  had  reached  the  end  of  the 
letter  his  patience  was  quite  exhausted, 
and  he  hastily  wrote  on  a  postal  card: 

"  Dear :   Hang  the  pidiure  !  "  The 

clergyman  never  could  quite  decide  that 
he  had  obtained  proper  authority,  and 
so  the  pi6ture  remained  unhung. 

MARK  Twain  told  the  London 
Authors'  Club,  whose  members 
were  entertaining  him,  that  he  had 
used  all  his  spare  time  in  compiling  a 
pun.  He  had  brought  it  to  lay  at 
their  feet,  and  not  to  ask  for  their 
indulgence,  but  for  their  applause.  It 
was  in  these  words :  **  Since  England 
and  America  have  been  joined  together 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


in  Kipling,  may  they  not  be  severed  in 
wain. 

Twain  and  a  friend  were  walking 
together  in  Hartford,  when  Twain  sud- 
denly drew  himself  up,  patted  himself 
on  the  chest,  and  exclaimed,  "  Mark, 
the  perfedt  man  ! "  to  the  great  amuse- 
ment of  his  companion;  and  then  as 
they  were  about  to  separate,  the  friend, 
having  some  distance  to  go,  tried  to  per- 
suade Mark  to  go  with  him.  But 
Mark  wanted  to  go  home,  and  declined, 
whereupon  his  friend,  taking  him  by 
the  arm,  quoted, "  Whosoever  shall  com- 
pel thee  to  go  a  mile,  go  with  him  twain." 
And  Twain  went. 

On  the  day  that  the  London  Savage 
Club  was  to  entertain  Mark  Twain,  a 
rumor  reached  the  secretary  that  Twain 
had  died  suddenly,  and  the  secretary 
telegraphed  to  the  hotel  to  ascertain 
the  fadts.  Twain  got  the  message  and 
answered  in  these  words :  "  Rumor  of 
my  death  greatly  exaggerated." 

When  Twain  was  in  Vienna  he  sat, 
one  day,  talking  with  a  Scotch  lawyer 
named  Guthrie.  **  Do  you  ever  smoke?" 
Twain  asked.  "Yes,  Mr.  Clemens," 
replied    Guthrie,  "when    I  am   in  bad 


4  5 


Mark  is 
captured  by  an 
apt  quotation 


Rumor  of  his 

death 

exaggerated 


He  pokes  a  little 
fun  at  a  Scotch 
latvyer 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Tomlins 

Concerning 

family  respeli 

and  official 

duties 


company."  "You  are  a  lawyer,  aren't 
you?"  asked  Twain.  "Yes,  I  am." 
"  Ah,"  said  Twain,  "  you  must  be  a 
heavy  smoker,  then  !  " 

WHEN  Frederick  Guest  TomUns, 
the  critic-playwright  of  a  genera- 
tion ago,  was  engaged  on  'Jerrold' s 
Newspaper,  now  known  as  Lloyd' s  News- 
paper, he  had  an  office  near  by.  A  boy 
was  employed  to  come  every  morning 
at  eight  o'clock  to  do  the  necessary 
sweeping  and  dusting.  One  Monday 
morning  Tomlins  arrived  about  nine 
o'clock  and  found  the  door  locked,  and, 
not  having  a  key,  walked  about  for  some 
time  waiting  for  the  boy  to  turn  up. 
When  he  arrived  he  was  admonished 
by  his  employer  for  oversleeping.  The 
boy  began  to  cry,  and  declared  that 
he  had  been  up  all  night.  "What's  the 
matter,  then?"  said  Tomlins.  "Are  you 
ill?"  "Well,  sir,"  replied  the  boy,  "it's 
this  way :  my  uncle  was  hung  at  the 
Old  Bailey  this  morning,  and  although 
we  were  not  on  speaking  terms  with 
him,  I  thought,  as  one  of  the  family, 
I  ought  to  go  to  his  funeral  —  at  least, 
as  near  as  I  could."  "Quite  right,  my 
boy,"    said    Tomlins,    "never    negled: 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


family  duties ;  but  when  another  of 
your  relations  is  to  be  hanged  please  to 
leave  the  office  key  under  the  door- 
mat." 

A  STORY  is  told  of  a  repartee  made 
long  ago  by  Traill  to  a  musical 
critic.  He  had  just  been  told  a  story  of 
a  piano-tuner  whose  custom  it  was  to 
purloin  small  quantities  of  crested  note- 
paper  from  his  various  employers. 
"Ah,"  said  Traill,  "just  like  Tenny- 
son's *  wanton  lapwing,'  which  in  the 
spring  gets  himself  another  crest!  " 

The  application  of  the  phrase  is  even 
better  than  Sir  William  Harcourt's  noto- 
rious jest,  made  to  Tennyson  himself, 
about  the  delight  of  "the  earliest  pipe 
of  half-awakened  bards." 

DR.  Thornton,  the  retired  Bishop 
of  Ballarat,  was  a  great  believer  in 
temperance,  and  at  one  of  the  meetings 
he  attended  after  his  return  to  England 
he  told  this  little  experience.  He  was 
on  a  visitation  tour  and  was  landed  late 
on  a  stormy  night  in  a  remote  bush 
township.  Not  a  light  was  to  be  seen 
save  that  which  proceeded  from  the  of- 
fice of  the  local  newspaper.  The  bishop 
knocked,  and  a  voice  from    an    upper 


4  7 


Traill 

His  repartee  to 
a  musical  critic 


Sir  William 
Harcourt^s 
notorious  jest 


Thornton 

The  Bishop  of 
Ballarat 
recei'ves  a  bit  of 
friendly  counsel 


I  4 


8    IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Tooke 

The  eccentricities 

of  yohn  Home 

Tooke 


window  called  out,  ** Who's  there?" 
"I  am  the  Bishop  of  Ballarat.  Could 
you  kindly  dired:  me  to  a  hotel?"  "I 
say,  boys,  guess  who's  the  cove  down- 
stairs—  the  Bishop  of  Ballarat."  Then 
there  was  a  noise  of  ribald  laughter 
from  the  composing-room.  Presently 
the  head  reappeared  at  the  window,  and 
the  voice  gave  this  friendly  counsel : 
"  Look  here,  old  man,  you've  had 
enough  for  one  night.  Go  home  and 
go  to  bed.  O'Rafferty's  on  the  beat,  and 
if  you  don't  make  tracks  you'll  be  run 
in  as  sure  as  eggs." 

JOHN  HoRNE  Tooke  was  a  distin- 
guished member  of  the  Society  of  Ec- 
centrics. He,  to  please  his  father,  became 
a  clergyman,  but  he  was  little  fitted  for 
such  a  calling.  He  resigned  the  church 
and  studied  law.  He  could  not  be  ad- 
mitted to  the  bar  because  he  was  an  or- 
dained clergyman.  He  entered  politics, 
and  was  soon  arrested  on  a  charge  of 
treason.  When  arraigned  in  court  he 
demanded  to  be  tried  by  **  God  and  his 
country,"  taking  a  catch  phrase  literally ; 
then  he  argued  that  the  Constitution 
gave  him  the  right  to  be  tried  by  "his 
peers,"   and   he   exclaimed,   "  Find   me 


1 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIS 

I  49 

1 

twelve    men    willing    to    be  called    my 
equals,  my  peers." 

Once  being  asked  by  King  George  III 
whether  he  played  cards,  he  replied,  **  I 
cannot,  your  Majesty,  tell  a  King  from 
a  Knave." 

rr^oLSTOi    was    essentially  vain  when 
X    young.  Hisgreatest  sorrow,  he  says, 
was  the  rcflecStion  that  he  was  very  far 
from     even     being    good-looking.    **  I 
fancied  that  there  was  no  happiness  on 
earth   for  a   person  with  such    a    wide 
nose,  such    thick    lips   and   such  small 
gray   eyes  as    I    had;   and    I    besought 
Heaven  to  work  a  miracle,  to  turn  me 
into  a  beauty,  and  all  I  had  in  the  pres- 
ent,  or    might   have    in   the   future,   I 
would  give  in  exchange  for  a  handsome 
face." 

A  bold  ion  mot 

Tolstoi 

The  perianal 
•vanity  of  Tolstoi 

...   ,  ,                                                      1 

—  1 

I  5  o 

IS  LIGHTER  VEIN 

1 ._!    .                                                                                                                                                                             , 

Wesley 

There  -was 

method  in  his 

choice 

JVeiley  adopts 

pretty  tunes  for 

his  hymns 

Wordsworth 

The  poet 

endea-vors  to  see 

himself  as  others 

see  him,  and  is 

successful 

''The  ear  and  the  eye  are  the 
mind''  s  receivers^  but  the  tongue 
is  only  busied  in  expanding  the 
treasure  received^ 

A   N   OLD   lady  living  in  the    Isle   of 
±\.  Man   tells   of   a   tradition   in   her 
family  about  her  grandfather  who  when 
a  boy  was  a  favorite  with  John  Wesley. 
The  first  time  Wesley  noticed  him,  he 
asked,  "Well,  my   little    fellow,  what 
are  you  going  to  be  when  you   grow 
up?"  "Oh,"  said  the  boy,  "I'm  going 
to  be  a  preacher !  There  are  always  such 
good  dinners  when  the  preachers  come." 
It   was  John  Wesley  who,  excusing 
himself  for  adopting   secular  tunes  for 
some  of  his  hymns,  said  that  he  did  not 
think  it  right  for  the  devil  to  have  all 
the  pretty  tunes. 

TT  ToRDSWoRTH,  the   poet,  was   very 
VV    anxious  to  know  what  the  farm- 
ers  about    his    lakeside    home    thought 
of  him.    One  day  he  could  not  restrain 
his  curiosity,  and  asked   a  child    what 
her  father  thought  of  him.    With  child- 
ish   innocence    she    replied,   "  He    says 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


you're  a  daft  idle  body,  who  goes  moan- 
ing about  the  hills,  and  has  not  wit 
enough  to  raise  a  field  of  oats."  The 
child  had  heard  the  opinion  so  often 
that  she  was  well  able  to  repeat,  even  if 
she  did  not  understand  it. 

ELLA  Wheeler  Wilcox  is  the 
author  of  an  epigram  which  will 
live  through  the  ages.  It  is  bright, 
truthful  and  terse.  She  writes :  **  Divorce 
is  a  fire-escape  from  a  domestic  hell. 
But  whoever  uses  it  always  smells  of 
smoke  afterward  and  usually  bears  scars 
and  bruises  for  life." 

THE  Emperor  William  of  Ger- 
many got  a  sharp  rebuff  at  a  Court 
ball  some  little  time  since.  At  a  review 
he  had  reprimanded  the  old  General 
von  Meerscheidt  for  losing  his  presence 
of  mind  at  a  critical  moment.  "  If  your 
Majesty  thinks  that  I  am  getting  too 
old,  I  beg  of  you  to  allow  me  to 
resign."  "No,  no,"  replied  the  kai- 
ser, **you  are  too  young  to  resign. 
Indeed,  if  your  blood  didn't  course 
through  your  veins  quite  so  fast,  you 
would  be  a  more  useful  army  leader." 
On  the  evening  of  that  day  the  kaiser 
met  the  general  at  a   Court  ball.    The 


Wilcox 

Ella  Wheeler 
fVilcox'  i 
Epigram  on 
Divorce 


William 

A  sharp  and 
luell-merited 
rebuff  for  the 
young  Kaiser 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Whately 

Clerical  ivit  — 

some  of 

Wbatelf  i 

genial  ivicticisms 


On  the  appoint- 
ment of  Day  to 
the  Bishopric  of 
Dublin 


general  was  talking  to  some  young 
ladies.  "Ah,  Meerscheidt,"  cried  Wil- 
liam, "  that  is  right — get  ready  to  marry  ! 
Take  a  young  wife ;  then  that  excitable 
temperament  of  yours  will  soon  vanish." 
The  old  general  bowed  before  his  im- 
perial master,  and  retorted :  "  I  beg  to 
be  excused,  your  Majesty ;  a  young  em- 
peror and  a  young  wife  would  be  more 
than  I  could  possibly  stand ! " 

WITH  Archbishop  Whately  punning 
was  second  nature.  One  day  a 
layman  sought  him  and  complained  of 
the  ritualistic  practices  of  a  certain 
clergyman.  After  telling  of  the  various 
offenses  against  Low  Church  ritual,  he 
said :  "  And  would  you  believe  it, 
my  lord,  he  kisses  his  stole."  Whether 
Whately  approved  or  disapproved  of  the 
practice,  the  layman  never  knew,  for 
the    archbishop    replied:    "Well,    Mr. 

B ,  you  will  be  the  first  to  admit 

that  that  is  a  good  deal  better  than  if 
he  stole  a  kiss." 

When  Bishop  Day  was  appointed 
Bishop  of  Dublin,  the  archbishop  re- 
marked that  the  people  of  Dublin  were 
very  inconsistent,  for,  said  he,  "  they  go 
to  Day  for  a  sermon,  and  to  Morrow  for 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


a  novel,"  referring  to  Morrow's  great 
lending  library. 

He  was  once  accosted  on  the  street 
by  an  importunate  old  beggar,  who 
ought  to  have  known  that  Whately 
never  gave  alms  indiscriminatingly. 
"Go  away,"  he  said,  "I  never  give 
anything  to  a  beggar  on  the  street." 
*'And  where  wud  yer  reverence  wish 
me  to  wait  on  yez?"  retorted  the  beg- 
gar. He  very  nearly  relaxed  his  rule 
when  an  old  woman  to  whom  he  had 
given  his  customary  reply,  glancing 
down  at  his  knee  breeches  and  black  silk 
stockings,  said :  '*  Musha,  thin,  I'd  never 
think  that  a  jintleman  wid  such  foine 
calves  wud  have  such  a  hard  heart." 

At  a  dinner  at  which  John,  Bishop 
of  Cork,  was  present,  he  called  out, 
"  Though  you  are  John  Cork,  you 
must  not  stop  the  bottle."  The  Cork- 
onian  was  equal  to  the  occasion,  for  he 
retorted,  "Ah,  my  lord,  I  see  you  want 
to  draw  me  out." 

Speaking  about  the  unpopularity  of 
Bishop  Knox  of  Down,  Whately  said, 
**  Ah,  the  Government  will  not  be  able 
to  stand  many  more  such  Knocks  Down 
as  this." 


5  3 


'■^  Such  foine 
cal'ves^^  has  the 
Archbishop,  hut 
^^ such  a  hard 
heart^^ 


He  jests  ivith 
John  of  Cork 


Knocks  the 
Bishop  of  Doivn 


1 

I  5  4 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

1 

Wbitefield 

Ad-vice  to  public 
tptakers 

Whitman 

The  poet  helps 

George  Cbilds 

along 

To    an   assembly   of  divines  he   said 
that  the  difference  between  an  Irish  and 
an  EngUsh  preacher  was  that:  "When 
you  are  listening  to  an  English  preacher, 
you  want  to  stay  awake,  and  he  won't 
let    you;    when     you     hear     an    Irish 
preacher,  you  want  to  go  to  sleep,  and 
he  won't  let  you." 

^  1  ^HE    Rev.    Dr.   Whitefield    gave 
JL     some  good  advice  to  a  preacher  in 
reference  to  a  peroration,  advice  which 
is    equally  good  for  any  one   who  ad- 
dresses a  public  audience : 

"  Begin  low, 
Proceed  slow; 
Rise  higher, 
Take  fire; 

When  most  Impress'd, 
Be  self-possess'd." 

IJooR,  eccentric  Walt  Whitman  was 
JL     dependent   during    many    years   of 
his  life  upon  the  kindness  of  his  friends 
and  admirers.    A  few  years  before  his 
death,  one  of   his  friends  called  upon 
him    in    his    little    house    in    Camden. 
"Well,  Walt,"   he  said,  "how  goes  it 
this    winter?"    "All    right,"  answered 
Whitman,  "  I'm  at  work  now.    I'm  in 
the  employ  of  George  Childs.    He  pays 

1 

IN  LIGHTER  VEIN     i  5  5 


me  fifty  dollars  a  month."  "You  at 
work !  May  I  ask  what  is  your  occupa- 
tion?" "Why,  I  ride  in  the  cars.  I 
fall  into  conversation  with  drivers  and 
condud:ors,  and  find  out  which  of  them 
have  no  overcoats,  and  guess  at  their 
size  and  notify  Childs,  and  then  he 
sends  the  overcoats.  It's  not  hard  work," 
said  the  poet  thoughtfully,  "and  then, 
you  know,  it  helps  Childs  along." 

TOM  Robertson,  author  of  Caste, 
School,  etc.,  tells  a  story  of  the  last 
hours  of  the  great  humorist,  known  to 
fame  as  Artemus  Ward.  Just  before 
Ward's  death  Robertson  poured  some 
medicine  into  a  glass  and  offered  it  to 
his  friend.  Ward  said,  "  My  dear  Tom, 
I  can't  take  that  dreadful  stuff!" 
"Come,  come,"  said  Robertson,  urging 
him  to  swallow  the  nauseous  drug, 
"  there's  a  good  fellow !  Do,  now,  for 
my  sake;  you  know  I  would  do  any- 
thing for  you."  "Would  you?"  asked 
Ward,  feebly  stretching  out  his  hand  to 
grasp  his  friend's,  perhaps  for  the  last 
time.  "I  would,  indeed,"  said  Robert- 
son. "Then  you  take  it,"  said  Ward. 
The  humorist  passed  away  but  a  few 
hours  afterward. 


Ward, 
Artemus 

The  last  joke  of 
a  great  bumoritt 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Whistler 

The  artiit  is 

mistaken  for  a 

salesman 


Willard 

Bartimeus 

Willard 

lakes  dinner 

•with  the  laivyers 


JAMES  McNeill  Whistler,  the 
famous  and  eccentric  American  art- 
ist, was  one  day  trying  on  a  hat  in  a 
London  store,  when  a  customer  rushed 
in  and  mistaking  the  artist  for  a  sales- 
man, exclaimed,  *'I  say,  this  'at  doesn't 
fit!"  The  artist  eyed  him  all  over 
from  head  to  foot,  and  then  replied, 
**  Neither  does  your  coat,  and  I'll  be 
hanged  if  I  like  the  color  of  your 
trousers." 

Bartimeus  Willard,  one  of  the 
early  settlers  of  Egremont,  Mass- 
achusetts, was  a  ready  wit,  a  keen  satir- 
ist, and  a  natural  poet.  He  was  one 
day  at  Lenox  during  a  session  of  the 
county  court,  and  the  lawyers  there 
were  much  diverted  with  his  poetical 
effusions  and  sallies  of  wit.  One  of  the 
lawyers  said  to  him,  "  Come,  Barty, 
take  dinner  with  us ;  it  sha'n't  cost  you 
anything."  He  consented,  and  accom- 
panied the  lawyers.  One  said,  *'  Barty, 
we  want  you  to  ask  a  blessing."  Barty, 
who  made  no  pretension  to  religion, 
said:  "Well,  if  I  do  I  hope  you  will 
behave  as  men  should  do  on  such  an 
occasion  and  not  make  a  mock  of  it ; 
and  I  want  some  one  to  return  thanks." 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


I  5  7 


One  was  accordingly  appointed.  All 
stood  up  around  the  table,  and  Barty 
began  thus: 

"  Lord  of  the  climes, 

Haste  on  the  times 
When  death  makes  lawyers  civil ; 

Lord,  stop  their  clack 

And  send  them  back 
Unto  their  father  devil. 

Don't  let  this  band 

Infest  our  land. 
Nor  let  these  liars  conquer; 

Oh,  let  this  club 

Of  Beelzebub 
Insult  our  land  no  longer! 

They  are  bad,  indeed, 

As  thistle-weed, 
Which  chokes  our  fertile  mowing; 

Compare  them  nigh 

To  the  Hessian  fly. 
Which  kills  our  wheat  when  growing. 

Come  sudden  death, 

And  cramp  their  breath, 
Refine  them  well  with  brimstone; 

And  let  them  there 

To  hell  repair. 
And  turn  the  devil's  grin'stone." 

At  the  conclusion  there  was  an  op- 
pressive silence.  The  landlord  said  they 
ate  but  little  dinner ;  and  the  lawyer 
appointed  to  return  thanks,  rose  and 
turned  on  his  heel,  without  an  attempt. 


And  ^^ blesses^ ^ 
them  in  rhyme: 
a  most  unique 
impro'visation 


58 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Westlake 

The  Connciiicut 

farmer  has  "a 

fling^^  at  some 

legal  friends 


JAMES  Westlake,  a  good  old-fash- 
ioned Connecticut  farmer,  never  let 
an  opportunity  pass  of  having  "  a  fling  " 
at  the  lawyers.  He  was  noted  for  his 
story-telling,  and  one  day,  at  the  county 
seat,  he  happened  to  find  the  dining- 
room  occupied  by  a  number  of  lawyers. 
Nothing  would  do  but  that  "Jimmy" 
must  tell  a  story,  and,  consenting,  he 
told  the  following: 

Two  lawyers  were  walking  out  one 
summer  morning  when  they  were  met 
by  an  Irishman  noted  for  his  ready  wit. 

**  Good  morning,  Pat,"  said  one  of 
the  lawyers. 

"  Good  morning,  your  honor,"  said 
Pat. 

"  Pat,  my  friend  and  myself  have  had 
quite  an  argument  this  morning  as  to 
whether  there  ever  was  an  Irishman  in 
heaven  or  not,  and  we  have  concluded 
to  ask  your  opinion  on  the  matter." 

**  Faix,  an'  there  was  one,"  says   Pat. 

"Well,  how  did  he  happen  to  get 
there?"  asked  the  lawyer,  at  the  same 
time  nudging  his  friend  to  notice  Pat's 
witty  answer. 

**  Well,"  continued  Pat,  "  there  was 
once   a  good  old  Quaker  who  had   an 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


5  9 


Irishman  living  with  him,  and  the 
Quaker  told  him  that  if  he  kept  on  and 
served  him  faithfully  until  he  died  he 
would  take  him  to  heaven  with  him. 
In  the  course  of  time  the  Quaker  died, 
and  the  Irishman  went  to  heaven  with 
him.  But  when  it  was  known  that 
there  was  an  Irishman  in  heaven  there 
was  a  great  time,  and  he  was  ordered 
out,  but  he  refused  to  leave,  unless  he 
was  put  out  by  a  regular  course  of  law ; 
and  they  searched  heaven  all  over,  but 
the  divil  a  lawyer  could  they  find ;  so 
there  was  one  Irishman,  but  never  a  bit 
of  a  lawyer." 

JUDGE  Wilde,  formerly  on  the 
Supreme  Bench  in  Massachusetts, 
while  at  the  bar  was  famous  for  his  apt 
repartee.  He  was  once  trying  a  case 
and  labored  very  hard  to  obtain  a  cer- 
tain answer  from  a  witness  who  was 
very  relu6lant  to  answer.  The  opposing 
counsel  interrupted  him  with  a  side 
remark:  "It's  no  use.  Brother  Wilde, 
to  pump  the  witness  further;  you  are 
only  on  a  wild-goose  chase."  "Just 
so,"  immediately  replied  the  counsel, 
"Wilde  on  one  side  and  a  goose  on  the 
other." 


Wilde 

A  ivild-gotte 
cbase 


I  6  o 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Wilberforce 

Position 

someiimes  makes 

a  difference 


Wiseman 

The  Cardinal 

performs  a 

miracle 

de  con-venance 


BISHOP  Wilberforce,  it  is  said,  was 
once  asked  to  remonstrate  with  a 
redtor  in  his  diocese  for  driving  tandem. 
He  did  so,  and  the  re<5lor  retorted : 
"  What  difference  can  it  make  whether 
the  horses  are  driven  on  each  side  of 
the  other,  or  one  in  front  of  the  other?" 
To  this  the  bishop  replied :  "  Position 
does  make  a  great  difference  sometimes. 
If  I  place  my  hands  with  the  palms 
together  and  raise  them  to  my  face,  a 
devotional  effed:  is  produced.  If  I  ex- 
tend them  with  my  fingers  out  from 
my  nose,  an  entirely  different  impres- 
sion is  conveyed." 

IN  The  Story  of  My  Life,  Augustus 
J.  C.  Hare  tells  a  story  of  Cardinal 
Wiseman.  A  Mrs.  Thurlow  told  him 
the  story  and  vouched  for  its  truth. 
The  cardinal  had  been  invited  to  dinner, 
but  his  host,  forgetting  that  it  was  Fri- 
day and  a  fast  day,  had  failed  to  provide 
a  fast-day  dinner.  The  cardinal  was 
equal  to  the  occasion,  for  he  stretched 
out  his  hands  in  benediction  over  the 
table,  and  said,  **  I  pronounce  all  this 
to  be  fish,"  and  forthwith  enjoyed  all 
the  good  things  heartily. 


■   ■■          ■                           1 

IS  LIGHTER VEIS 

I  6  I 

The  Index 

Abernethy,  Dr.  John,  i 

Brough,  Lionel,  1 8 

Alderson,  Baron,  4 

Broughton,  Lord,  1 5 

Aldrich,  Thos.  Bailey,  59 

Br owningy  Robert,  1 1 

Allen,  Grant,  3 

Buckley,  Dr.  J.M.,i^ 

Amelia,  Princess,  5 

Buns  en.  Baron  C.  K.J.,  10 

Armstrong,  Sergeant,  4 

Burdett-Coutts,  Baroness,  13, 

Arnold,  Matthew,  i 

21 

Ash  bur  ton.  Lord,  40 

Burdett,  Sir  Francis,  2 1 

Bacon,  V ice-Chancellor,  99 
Barrett,  Judge,  23 
Barrie,  J.  M.,  7 

Burke,  Edmund,  1 1 

Burnett,  Bishop,  1 9 

Burns,  Robert,  6 

Butler,  Gen.  B.F.,  15 

5a//,  Isaac,  2 1 

Byron,  Lord  Geo.  Gordon,  43 

Byron,  Henry  J.,\% 

Barry,  Joseph,  1 2 
Baxter,  Rev.  Dr.,  11 
Bayard,  Hon.  Thos.  A.,  8 
Beaconsfield,  Lord,  1 6 

Beecher,  Henry  Ward,  7,  134 

Calcalli,  King  Coffee,  5 1 

Bernhardt,  Sarah,  13 

Calvert,  Charles,  136 

Berry,  Rev.  Dr.,  6 

Campbell,  Sir  Colin,  27 

^^ry/,  //.  Cm/,  28 

Candia,  Marquis  of,  94 

Biggar,  M.  P.,  Hon.,  7 

Candler,  Bishop  W.  A.,  26 

Bingham,  Canon,  16 

Canning,  George,  95 

Bismarck,  Prince  Otto  von,  1 4 

Capoul,  Vi^or,  3 1 

Black,  Adam,  9 

Carlyle,  Thomas,  24 

Blackie,  Prof.  Stuart,  20 

Carroll,  Lewis,  24 

5/a«/,  6'/r  Walter,  109 

Casey,  Thomas,  34 

Booth,  Junius  Brutus,  1 8 

Chaffee,  General,  29 

Bowen,  Lard,  2 1 

Channell,  Serjeant,  3  5 

Brady,  Rev.  Cyrus  Towns  end ^ 

Chevalier,  Albert,  2  8 

17 

Choate,  Joseph  //.,  32 

Bramwell,  Baron,  G.  W.  W.,  9 

Choate,  Rufus,  i^^ 

Brooks,  Bishop  Phillips,  11 

Clare,  Lord,  3  5 

1 

I   6  2 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Clarendon,  Lord^  86 
Clay,  Henry,  25 
Clemens,  Samuel  L.y  144 
Clodd,  Edward,  4 
Coke,  Senator,  27 
Corning,  John,  24 
Corning,  Erastus,  24 
"  Cornwall,  Barry,"  i 
Cresswell,  Justice,  3  5 
Cruikshank,  George,  28 
Curran,  John  Philpot,  35 
Curzon,  Lady,  84 

Dtf/y,  Judge  Joseph  /^.,  45 
Dartmouth,  Countess  of,  45 
Davidson,  Dr.  Randall,  37 
Dtfjy,  i^^x'.,  42 

D^  Blowitz,  Henri  G.  y/.  O.,  8 
Depew,  Sen.  Chauncey  M.,  44 
Dickens,  Charles,  43 
Disraeli,  Hon.  Benjamin,  39, 

105,  106 
Dorsey,  Mr.,  42 
Dowi(?,  Judge,  1,-] 
Doyle,  Canon,  41 
Doyle,  Dr.  Conan,  41 
Z)«/,  ^-irAf.  £.  Gr^«/,  56 
Dumas,  Alexander,  3  8 

Earle,  Malcolm,  48 
£/zo/,  George,  47 
Elizabeth,  ^een  of  Eng.,  48 
£r/^,  ty/r  tVilliam,  46 
Evarts,  Senator  Wm.  M.,  46 
Everett,  Edward,  34 


Faucit,  Helen,  96 
Franklin,  Benjamin,  50 
Froude,  James,  25 

Gilder  sleeve.  Judge  Henry,  57 
Gladstone,  Hon,  William,  40, 

55.92 
Go^  Recorder,  58 
Goodwin,  Nat,  56 
Go//,  i?^x;.  Z)r.,  53 
Grant,  Gen.  Ulysses  S.,  53 
Greeley,  Horace,  52 
Grossmith,  George,  52 
Gunn,  Michael,  1 24 
Guthrie,  Rev.  Dr.,  145 

Har court.  Sir  William,  147 
Hardinge,  George,  65 
Harlan,  Justice,  63 
Harte,  Bret,  60 
Hat  ton,  Joseph,  1 42 
Hawkins,  Justice,  6^ 
Hay,  John,  60 
Healy,  Rev.  Dr.,  60 
Hillier,  Joseph,  66 
Hole,  Dean,  6 1 
Holmes,  John,  59 
Holmes,  Oliver  Wendell,  59 
Hook,  Theodore,  64 
Hopkins,  Dr.  E.J,,  1^2 
Houghton,  Lord,  61 
Hoyt,  Charles  ^.,56 
Huret,  Jules,  14 

Irving,  Sir  Henry,  67,  140 
Irving,  Washington,  67 


M 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


3 


J  err  old ^  Douglas^  72 
Joachim^  Herr^  7 1 
Johnson^  Bishops  70 
Johnson,  Dr.,  69 
Johnson,  Dr.  Oliver,  70 
Johnston,  Gen.  Joseph  E.,  69 

Kean,  Charles,  77 
Kelly,  Rev.  Father,  73 
Kendal,  Madge  Robertson,  75 
Keogh,  Judge,  74 
Kilbride,  Dennis,  78 
Kipling,  Rudyard,  73 

Labouchere,M.  P.,  Henry,  88 
Landor,  Walter  Savage,  8  2 
Lang,  Andrew,  84 
Langtry,  Mrs.  Lily,  136 
Lf^,  Jennie,  87 
L^(?,  Nathaniel,  8  5 
Leslie,  Fred,  8  5 
Lever,  Charles,  86 
Lincoln,  Abraham,  80 
Lockwood,  Sir  Frank,  87 
Lowell,  James  Russell,  8 1 
Luce,  Admiral  Stephen  B.,^i 
Ludlow,  Gen.  William,  80 
Lytton,  Lord,  83 

Macaulay,  Lord,  93 
Macready,  Wm.  Charles,  97 
Malins,  Sir  Richard,  99 
Manning,  Cardinal,  93 
Mansjield,  Richard,  97 
Mansjield,  Lord  Wm.  Mur- 
ray, 96 


Marriott,  Rev.  Charles,  94 
Martin,  John,  95 
Mason,  Rev.  Dr.,  92 
Mathews,  Justice,  1 1 
McAdam,  Judge,  98 
McCarthy,  Justin,  7 
McKinley,  William,  98 
Millais,  Sir  John  Everett,  95, 

130 
Montague,  Harry,  6  7 
Moody,  Dwight  L.,  92 
Moschelles,  Felix,  3  8 
Muldoon,  Veteran,  3 1 

Nelson,  Mrs.  Stanley,  56 
Nor  bury.  Lord,  1 03 
Norfolk,  Duke  of,  104 
iVo//,  Thomas,  loi 
Nye,  Edgar  W.,  loi 

O'  Connell,  Daniel,  105 
O' Gorman,  Major  P.,  106 
Onslow,  George,  1 1 
Opie,  Judge,  10  s 

Paderewski,  Ignace,  112 
Paine,  Henry  W.,  112 
P aimer ston.  Lord,  109 
Parsons,   Commissioner,    1 03 , 

1 1 1 
Phillips,  Wendell,  1 1 3 
Pigou,  Dean,  1 1 1 
Po/)^,  Alexander,  1 09 
Potter,  Bishop  Henry  C,  114 
Prober,  Adelaide,  i 
Prober,  Mrs.  Bryan  W.,  i 


IN  LIGHTER  VEIN 


Richards,  Dr.,  1 1 8 
Riley,  James  Whit  comb,  I02 
Roche,  Sir  Boyle,  8 
Roosevelt,  Theodore,  ii6 
Roseberry,  Lord,  115 
Ruskin,  John,  130 
Russell,  Sir  Charles,  115 
Russell,Dr.JV.H.,  14 

Salisbury,  Marquis  of,  54 
Salvini,  Alessandro,  130 
Sandys,  Frederick,  130 
ty^o//,  Clement,  67 
6"^ 0//,  ^y/V  IV alter,  1 20 
Shaw,  Chief  Justice,  't^^, 
Sheepshanks, Bishop  John,  \ii 
Sheridan,  Richard  Brinsley, 

138 
Sheridan,  Thomas,  138 
Sigsbee,  Capt.  Charles,  134 
^yi/wj,  George  R.,  135 
Smale,  Manager,  67 
Smith,  Sydney,  132 
Sothern,  Edward  Askew,  133 
Spurgeon,  Charles  H addon,  125 
Stanley,  Dean,  1 3 1 
Stevenson,  Robert  Louis,  125 


Stowe,  Harriet  Beecher,  134 
Sullivan,  Sir  Arthur,  1 23 
Sullivan,  Barry,  128 
Swift,  Dean,  109 

T^r^,  Duchess  of,  3  9 
Temple,  Dr.,  143 
Tennyson,  Lord  Alfred,  1 1 , 

139 
Thackeray,  Wm.  Makepeace, 

'^. 

Thesiger,  Sir  Frederic,  3  5 

Thomas,  Brandon,  28 
Thornton,  Dr.,  147 
Thurlow,  Lord,  104 
Tomlins,  Frederick  Guest,  1 46 
Tooke,  John  Home,  148 
T(?<?/^,  7(?/?«  L.,  139 
Traill,  Henry  Duff,  147 
Travers,  William  R.,  8 

Warden,  John  F.,  141 
Washington,  George,  50 
Wesley,  John,  1 50 
West,  Sir  Algernon,  14 
Whitworth,  Benjamin,  9 
^zV^,  Z)r.,  134 
Wordsworth^  William,  150 


^v 


{'•J 


HERE  ENDS  IN  LIGHTER  VEIN,  A  COLLECTION 
OF  BON  MOTS,  WITTY  SAYINGS,  BRIGHT  REPAR- 
TEES, ECCENTRICITIES  AND  REMINISCENCES  OF 
WELL-KNOWN  MEN  AND  WOMEN  WHO  ARE  OR 
HAVE  BEEN  PROMINENT  IN  THE  PUBLIC  EYE. 
COLLECTED  BY  JOHN  DE  MORGAN.  THE  FRON- 
TISPIECE IN  COLOR  BY  MERLE  JOHNSON.  THE 
TYPOGRAPHY  DESIGNED  BY  J.  H.  NASH.  PUB- 
LISHED BY  PAUL  ELDER  AND  COMPANY  AND 
PRINTED  FOR  THEM  AT  THE  TOMOYE  PRESS. 
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